I feel exhausted. wow. that took like ten attempts to spell out rite. huh.
i'm not looking for any sympathy, or "you poor thing" - i know my probs are nothing in comparison to those with depression, or who come from really abusive families, or battle alcoholism/anorexia, etc. no. i have the greatest respect for them, bc i don't know that i find the strength to deal with what they do. so, i hope no one gets offended by my little grip here.
i feel like i just keep on disappointing myself these days, time and time again. how many times can you pick yourself up in the course of a month? yeah, i know, you gotta keep picking yourself up again and again thro'out your life, and try, try again. but right now the ground feels so much more comfortable.
how much time do i need? every goal i set - to get a piece of work done by blah blah, to study and revise my work, to just do SOMETHING really productive - i just keep breaking all these promises to myself. its so stupid, bc i know there's really nothing to it. i mean, e.g. how hard can it be to write 2 mins of speech in 2 hours? urgh. i get so frustrated, it gives me headaches. i can't understand what's wrong with me - there's really nothing i can see that's "blocking" my way. i feel like my brain is pounding ITS brain against a brick wall, yelling out "Think, goddammit, THINK!" or sometimes, its like when you bounce a rubber ball off a wall, catch it and do it again. only, instead of catching it and forming something fresh with the idea, it whacks me in the forehead and knocks me over. it's really pathetic. why can't i just get over myself and do some work already?
so you may have guessed, i feel literally like beating myself up just so i can get this dead feeling out of my head.
"you'll be fine, don't stress so much" - kind but not really helping me right now. my friends and family are all worried and sympathetic - too sympathetic maybe. i used to work really well under a lot of pressure - family hollering in the bg, three assessments due the next day, a fave tv coming up in 30 mins, and a friend having borderline suicidal thoughts. ha. you never know what you'll miss til its gone. funny.
this is just me pouring some of my feelings out, pathetic as they are. so really, pls don't feel obligated to comment with sympathy. =] my shoulders feel fractionally less weighed down - i think there's some movement there....wait for it...*shoulders twitch*....and that's as good as its gonna get for me rite now.