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A Letter To My Best Friend (sorry So Long, I Had A Lot To Say)

Dear Mr. Pan,
I moved away from you 7 weeks ago, and they have been the longest 7 weeks ever. Sadly, I regard you much higher then you may regard me. We first became friends on August 24, 2010. We had met before but we never really talked, it was just study groups and casual passes in the halls. For some reason, the second day of our senior year was different. I was sitting at a table with 7 other girls and you came up to me and told me how pretty I looked and you liked my hair that way. You then made the girl who was sitting next to me scoot over so you could sit by me. We then realized we had half our classes together. You walked me to every single one of my classes and made sure to sit next to me in the ones we had. 11 days later we went to a party together. I could tell you hated dancing so I walked off it to make you more comfortable, then we snuck into the backyard and sat on the porch talking about our home life and our dreams. I told you I would be moving out after the summer, you wished me luck and said you wished you could then drove me home. After that, we talked every single day. I had a fire pit with a ton of people and we sung and laughed and ate candy like we were kids. You stuck by me that entire night, then during the hugging game 'accidentally' tackled me and just when you looked like you were leaning closer in to me I rolled out from under you and laughed it off. I had a crush on you already but I wasn't about to admit it. Months went by and I still felt like I knew little about you, all our other friends started to shun you, and I got shunned by many of them for sticking by your side. Out of no where, you kind of disbanded yourself from me, and I needed you. You weren't there for me when my uncle died or when my cousin tried to take her life. He was there for me and you weren't. All the friends took me back and I thought that maybe you didn't want me anymore, or you did it for my benefit. It only lasted a month but I missed you. Suddenly it was as if nothing every happened and we hung out all the time. My parents would invite you for dinner, we'd go out for coffee and then you began calling me your best friend. We started to hang out with the new girl and the chilean and all went well. You got angry when you found out the Chilean had been asking me out, it seemed out of jealousy. Soon, it was just me, you, and the new girl. The day I found out I cried. It was the reason our friends had disbanded, it was the reason everyone questioned our friendship and it was the reason you could never love me back. I found out you were gay.

You didn't even tell me, when I was supposed to be your closest friend. You knew I would accept you, why couldn't you get that? Why did you lie to me about your relationships? And last of all, why didn't you actually treated me like a friend? You know exactly what I mean. I didn't tell you I knew for a month. That entire month I tried to get over it and finally I blurted it out. I felt so selfish for being angry with you when you probably needed me as much as I needed you. I stuck by you in this conservative town, and you stuck by me. When our friends bad mouthed you, I would put them in their place. When one of your closest friends wrote me a message calling me a ***** and worse because she thought we were dating and she liked you, you stopped talking to her completely. We still didn't act like friends though. Remember the night you hugged me and wouldn't let go? Remember when you called me after we went to the movies saying how nervous I made you and how badly you wanted to put your head on my shoulder? What about when you started to say "I love you" at the end of every conversation, or when we watched that movie in my trailer and you pulled me into your arms? Or that weekend at your cabin where you saw me at my worst and still told me I was beautiful? Do you honestly think that I wouldn't fall even harder than I already had? Did you think I was impervious to feeling about you just cause I knew who you were? I'm a girl, I like guys, just cause you do too doesn't make you girly. You were never feminine, you were always strong, and hid all vulnerabilities.

It came time for me to move to University 3 1/2 hours away from home and you stayed at the local University. My last day there you took me out to lunch and something seemed off about us. Our goodbye was nothing and that hurt pretty significantly. There was no hug, no long goodbye. No "I'll miss you" or "see you soon". It didn't feel right. I was hoping you'd come to see me off, but no. Two of my other friends who I wasn't even that close with did. They helped me finish packing and joked and each gave me something to remember them by. You didn't even call. 5 days after moving you still had barely talked to me then you skyped me and it still felt off. You cut it short, as you have every conversations since then. What was it? New girl is the only one I've talked to about this and she thinks I might have confused you about your sexuality. I doubt it. When I came home 2 weeks ago for the weekend, you stopped by only for a moment and we exchanged birthday presents. I put a lot of thought into and bought you a book you'd been dying to read, and a framed photo of your favorite singer. You handed me 2 folders with the beatles on them. I knew they were from your work and you'd probably bought them on the way to my house. Thanks, I had enough school supplies though, oh, and I kept the photo for that reason. After that it's been even more awkward. You found out I'm going on a date with the guy you didn't want me to and freaked. Then when I told you I was coming home next weekend, you flat out told me you probably wouldn't have time for me. Do you have any idea how much time I made for you this summer? The time I'd take off work to spend with you? Or how I'd spend every moment in between with you and still manage to take care of my ill grandma every day, hang out with my other friends, spend time with family, pick up shifts at work and move stuff to my new place. Don't even get me started on how god damned busy you think you are. I always made time for you, and it's really starting to show how much you want to be around me. I loved you. I gave up so much for you and for what? You know how alone I feel in this town, I still don't know many people. You know this.

Thanks for making me feel even more alone
You're best friend,
Wendy
valerieann12 valerieann12 18-21, F Sep 23, 2011

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