I Miss Her

Have you ever lost a close friend? If you have, you know it hurts. For the next few months, you'll get hit by pangs of loneliness and something that feels a lot like depression (but you know it's not). If you haven't, it hurts a lot. It doesn't quite seem real to you until you see her/him and they turn around and pretend not to see you.
My best friend, let's just call her Mini (inside joke), had been friends for 2 years. And I know you're all thinking of your friendships, which probably lasted a lot longer, but time is just a number to me. All that really mattered in our friendship was that she was like a sister to me. We had all the same interests, and we liked the same things, I could be myself around her, and we always had fun together. I practically lived at her house in the last year. I would have dinner at her house, long sleepovers, hour-long hw sessions, baking sprees, and I even helped her put up her Christmas tree and what not.
Enter middle school. When I got to middle school, I was instantly very popular, and I got caught up in it. For the first month or so, I didn't pay as much attention to Mini or my other friends. After a while though, I realized that my real friends are more important and I caught up with them.
Things were good until the middle of the year. She constantly got on my nerves, and my other friend, S, would vent to me about her and vice versa. We kind of just let our anger grow, and me and Mini would get into fights CONSTANTLY. They were only day-long fights, usually over Gmail, but they were vicious. We were SO mean to each other. I'm not even going to play this up because you guys don't know who I am, so, I'm going to admit: it was mostly me.
I don't know what it was about her last year, but she just annoyed me SO much. I was extremely mean to her. You could say I was her frenemy. Idk HOW we remained close through this, but we did.
Over the summer, I had a lot of thinking time while she went on a three-month vacation to Asia. I realized that I wasn't a true friend to her and set out to change. She came back, and as always, forgave and forgot, so we were getting along quite nicely.
The last straw for me was her birthday party. She only invited 4 people (her closest friends), and during it, me and S got into a fight. There was tension, and finally, S just told me to go home and that no one wanted me there. So I ran out of the house. AND, I woke her parents up. Well after that, we all had to sleep. Needless to say, I definitely ruined it. It was only 1 in the morning. Our sleepovers usually go until about 3-4 or so.
After that, we weren't as close anymore, seeing as how she was on a completely different team and I never saw her at all at school. I moved, too, so I couldn't go to her house anymore on weekdays, and we rarely got to hang out on weekends. I chatted her one day and I asked her if we were still best friends. She told me:
"We can still be friends, but you and me together is like spontaneous combustion. We don't work together. It was great while it lasted, but you were never my real friend. Real friends don't put each other down CONSTANTLY Or fight 24/7. I have as much fault in this as you do. Maybe less. All I'm saying is that we don't work."
At this point, I literally felt a physical, searing pain in my chest. I felt like I had left my body and was looking at my body from Heaven or something. I was a bad friend to her, but I had really, truly changed over the past months. I wanted another chance, but I ruined all the previous ones she gave me. She was my best friend, my sister. There's not a day that goes by without me missing her. I see her in the halls, and she sees me, but she ignores me. It's not even awkward, but she hates me now. I posted a picture of us on Instagram the other day, and when we took the picture, she said "Oh! I love this picture!" And now, when I posted it, she comments on it and says "I look bad..delete it..-.-". So I emailed her about it and said "Do you think it's awk that I posted that even though you hate my guts" and she replied and said "Slightly. Wouldn't you", I have so many things to say to her, but I can't. I'm not a mushy person, and she would think I'm desperate or something. I miss her so much. I feel so lonely, even though I have lots of other friends. I don't know how to cope. This has been going on for a while now, and the feelings haven't subsided.
feelinfinite feelinfinite
13-15, F
Jan 7, 2013