Our First Visit

Well, it's not technically our very first visit with him locked up. Just the first one this go-around.

Jason is at our local county jail, not a prison, so we don't get to have physical contact at all. We're technically not even in the same room. We sit, separated by glass and wire, and the way it's designed, we can barely see each other at all. Earlier this year when he was in there and I took our newborn baby girl for him to see, he couldn't even tell what color her hair is. And we talk on phones. The visits can be very impersonal and sometimes hurt more than they help.

I remember going before, and sitting there for the hour every week, wishing I could just touch him. Just one time. Hold his hand, touch his face, run my fingers through his hair. I drive myself crazy with it.

Anyway, back to yesterday...

It was wonderful (sucks that he's there, but you all know what I mean). I didn't cry, and I'm proud of myself for that. I always try to be strong because he hates to see me cry & I don't want him to sit there for a week thinking about it.
But him... Something has been so different between us for the last few weeks, even before he was arrested. We had been talking a lot more, about everything. We had gotten closer to each other. For you all to really understand why our visit was so good, you'd have to know a little about Jason.
He has always been Mr. Macho-Manly Man. Never, ever, ever cries. I really didn't think he was capable of it at all. He never talks about his feelings, and has always had a hard time relating to mine because I'm super-sensitive. We're complete opposites, really. He doesn't show emotion at all & I wear my heart on my sleeve. He's also very upfront about what he thinks, which had lead to a lot of fights over the years. He's basically an *******, to put it bluntly. But he's always made more of an effort not to be with me. There's always been a wall up with him, though. I've had a very hard time trying to make him see that he can open up to me. The last few weeks, he started doing that.
So, at our visit, he was more sincere, and even vulnerable, to me than he ever has been. I told him that I brought his whites in, and that I know he doesn't like them, but I got thermals for him because I know it gets cold in there. And he broke down. He cried. Not loud sobbing or anything crazy like that, but real tears. And he was so choked up. And he said to me, "I thought you said you would never do this again after the last time?" And then I choked up. I said "Well, I guess I lied." I told him that I love him and that I'm always going to love him. And that I'll always be here for him, no matter what. He choked up again. He told me he lives me too, and no matter how long he's in there, we just have to look forward to me picking him up again, and him coming home to me.
We talked briefly about how long we think he'll have to do, but neither one of us wants to get our hopes up for a short time at all. We're trying to be realistic. But we both agreed that we're going to get through it. Together.
That hour didn't last nearly long enough. But out have me peace. For the first time in our whole relationship, we are on the same page. We understand each other and what we're facing, and we're going to get through it together.
hiswifey16 hiswifey16
26-30, F
Nov 28, 2012