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Ever The Same

May 2010


I woke up early morning and i have this super hangover. I was out last night drinking with some highschool friends. First i checked my phone and there wasnt any text messages from my boyfriend per.  Everyday he would send me morning greetings but today was different. I was beggining to think that maybe he was mad or something. But i just thought maybe he was just busy at work and forgot to text me. So i didnt bother to call him coz ill just dropby at their house in the afternoon. So i went back to sleep hoping ill get rid of this hangover.

When I woke up again around 2pm, still no messsage from per. I began to worry. I sat on my bed and called his number but i couldnt reach him. After a few minutes i got phone call from ronald, it was my boyfriends close friend.  He asked me were i was and told me that i stay calm. He was sorry to say that per had passed away early in the morning.

I was shocked and i felt sick in an instant.  My heart is completely broken....

I couldnt talk anymore so immediately i got out of bed, changed my clothes and rode the taxi on my way to their house.

We have been together for almost three years.  I cant stop crying. I am hurt beyond words. He was taken away so suddenly.

When i reached their house i saw his father and i tried to fight back the tears but i couldnt. I hugged him and at that moment i felt the pain and loss.

He died in his sleep. He was only 36 and hadn’t been sick. Just like that, he’s gone. 

He was still in the morgue. I went inside their house. I went to his room and  sat on his bed. Even though hes gone i still pretend  like he is next to me and i feel him there with me. I have never in a million years thought that he would pass away. The tears never stopped. I was very sad and i can't bear the pain. Per was my life and now he has left me alone. I can't think about a new life without him..

After a few hours i then went to the church and he was there. Seeing him in that casket was the worst thing i've ever experienced.  I cried so hard. I am in so much pain. I still can't believe this happened. I still  feel like I'm gonna wake up to an "I love you" text like I have so many times since we were together. He left without any warning, and I miss him. And then I feel guilty for missing him because I haven't seen him in awhile.

For two weeks I stayed in the church during the internment.  I cant eat, i cant sleep. I just go at their house to take a bath and change my clothes. I didnt want to leave him.  Her sister arrived from dubai and i got to meet all his relatives and friends. I talked to them and got to know a lot of things. I became closer to his family.

Per wanted to marry me. He wanted us to live together and encouraged me to move in. We planned a life together. Me and per knew we were going to get married and have kids, we talked about it all the time.

I was like a new widow. I was hugged and i was the subject of pat-downs and back rubs. There was an unending parade of acquaintances lumbering toward me with outstretched arms. I don't know how to handle the fact that he is gone but his family is very kind and supportive. Everyone keeps saying in time things will be fine. No it wont. He was my life and still is.

Funeral day. I remember hating every second of it. I don’t want a funeral when I die.  I think I’ve known this since I was very young.  After church we headed to the cemetery. It was suddenly raining. Tears kept streaming down my face. There was a defeaning silence inside me. I did not feel well but kept walking,  it took us 30 minutes but it was the longest walk i ever had. 

When we got to the cemetery, everything happened so fast. All I could do was stare at him. It would be the last time i will ever see his face again. I really do not want to lose him forever. I feel he was a life test I have to learn from. It's hard though because I feel my heart went into the grave with him. All i want at that moment is for him to come back. I hope someone can wake me up from this dream.

When we got back to their house i didnt stayed there for long. I wanted to grieve alone. I didnt want to talk to anyone. I dont know what im going to do. Its hard to leave with a heavy heart.  It just makes me feel like staying there at their house for a bit more longer but i cant. I bid my farewell to his family and relatives and they understand that i must go and adviced me to take a rest.

I rode the jeepney on my way home. It was already raining hard but i didnt mind.  I love the feeling of rain falling on my face. The rain washes the tears away.  And I can cry and pretend that it's raindrops.

You know when you are about to cry and you try to hold them back. You feel this choke in your throat and a sharp pain spikes into your face. Like your body is telling you to just let go. And when you do let go and let it out.....all you can do is scream, and the tears are just pouring out of your eyes.

 Everything reminds me of him.

When i reached home i took a shower and then went to bed after. I ask myself how long does it take for the crying and the pain to go away? I miss him so much, words are not strong enough to describe it. I could not help it ...... he was in my mind. I thought about the moments spent together and i  cried thinking that those moments were lost that he disappeared for good and those moments wouldn't return anymore.

I fell asleep.

pokpoksaalak pokpoksaalak 26-30, F 5 Responses Oct 29, 2011

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how can u move on if u so much in love to ur late bf?

sorry<br />
<br />
I lost my wife at age 19 so i understand

I must say as i am typing this message i feel so drained from heart ache, i have also lost someone dear to me, i used to tell him that he is not only my boyfriend, he is my friend, when he died a part of me died with him, i am in so much pain that it hurts so much, i just can't understand, i cry a lot, hang in there in time it will heal.

I just recently lost my boyfriend also. I can't say I know what your feeling because I believe that no one feels the exact pain as someone else. I can't imagion what to do with the rest of my life because he was my life, as your bf was yours. Please let me know how you are doing. Does it really get better?

Any kind of loss is unexplainable, no matter what age you are. I know how it feels to lose the one you love, and have your future completely fall down the drain.. But i promise you things will get better. It's been over two years since i lost the love of my life, and i still hurt to this day. However, time does heal, as stupid as it sounds. The pain will always be there, but you will start to see the good in life again, and you will realize that everything happens for a reason. As much as we don't want to believe it, it does. It's part of life. No one ever said life was going to be easy, and it won't be, but one day you will see that life is so precious, wether its with a love one or by yourself....<br />
Stay strong. Things will get better !