He Will Always Be In My HeartJimmy and I met in 1985, I was 13 and he was 15. We dated, we lost our virginity, we loved, we fought, we grew, we broke up. Over the years I knew his whole family. I was friends with 2 of his sisters and his uncle and even dated his younger brother for a while. His mother always acted as though she loved me and his father was a neighbor of my aunt's for years. After high school I moved away and was gone for almost 20 years off and on. During a point when I moved back home I met up with his best friend and we dated and lived together for about a year. We spent some time with Jimmy and his new wife and they seemed happy which made me happy. Time goes on and I move a couple hours away, but every year on my birthday my mom tells me that Jimmy says Happy Birthday because they work at the same place. It amazes me that after all those years he still remembers and thinks of me on my birthday.
In 2009 I go through open heart surgery and a really bad break up at the same time and was in a bad place in my life. I see Jimmy on Facebook and we start to talk. He too is single after a bad divorce. We become friends again and talked or text every day. We went fishing and he met my son who loved him. He came over a lot and we would just talk for hours. He took me to hotels to just get away and took me to my first casino and it was so fun. He bought a house and that put him farther away, almost a 2 hour drive. We still text every night all night long and I always felt I had someone there for me. He came over some weekends and we enjoyed our time together. I was so comfortable with him. He totally took me for who I was. He understood me and never judged me and tried to do things that would make me happy. He always told me I was beautiful just the way I was . . . I did not need to loose weight or wear make up . . . I was perfect. He told me repeatedly that he loved me and wanted us to be a couple. I told him I loved him too and we were a couple. But he wanted more of a commitment and I could not give it to him because he was a bad alcoholic and even though he always went to work and was sober all day long, at night he drank until he was drunk and he did the same of the weekends. He was never mean or anything but it wasn't right, healthy, or normal. . . I just couldn't live with him that way no matter how much I loved him. And then in October 2011 he did not text me for a couple days . . . I thought well he is hunting after work maybe he is just too tired. And then he calls but it is not him on the line it is his younger sister Bev who tells me Jimmy has had an aneurysm and has a 10% chance of making it. I was in shock but told her to call me and let me know how things went. His family did not know how close we had become and I did not feel comfortable going to the hospital. In my mind I knew he would be ok. Well, he pulled through, but for the next seven months it was pure hell. He could not feed himself or anything like that. He talked some, but not of things that seemed to be happening now. My son and I went to the hospital to see him and he did not know us. I went back multiple times, but he never acted like he knew me. I prayed everyday that he would get better but he only got worse and on May 12, 2012 Jimmy left me completely.
His birthday is Sept. 8th and I miss him. Some days are easier than others, but I struggle with guilt . . . maybe if I was there when he had the aneurysm I could have gotten him help faster and he could have recovered . . . I loved him, I still do, why was I so selfish that I could not deal with his alcoholism . . .I feel like now that I am 40 and have lost Jimmy the only man who I feel really accepted me for me that I will now be alone until I die. I am so lonely without him. I miss talking to him so much, miss him making me laugh. He was always there for me and I don't get that from anyone else in my life not like he was . . . he will always be in my heart.
luvinmydogs 36-40, F 1 Response 1 Sep 1, 2012