A Piece Of My Heart Died That Day...

Nick was a true southern gentleman. His smile would make your heart stop, his eyes would make you melt and as if that wasn't enough, he had the sexiest southern accent a girl could ever dream of.

We met three years ago, he was graduating as I was starting college. We only had four weeks together before he moved back home, but it only took a moment for us to become best friends. In that four weeks he fell head over heels for me... I liked him a lot but was hesitant about him soon living 13 hours away. But that accent... those eyes... that smile... who could resist?

We kept in touch and talked everyday after he moved. Soon, we were madly in love. No one had ever made me feel so loved and wanted the way Nick did. He was my best friend and my soulmate. The first two years were hard, but they were great! We flew back and forth visiting each other, cherishing the days we had, dreading the days we didn't. After two years of traveling to see each other he asked me to move in with him, which meant I had to not only change my school, but leave my family and everything I had ever known. I wasn't okay with moving and he couldn't leave his family either.

This turned our whole relationship upside down. Every relationship has it's trials, and ours was no different. We were constantly fighting about not living with each other, about not having a "normal" relationship. Over the last year of our relationship we would talk for a few weeks then get into a big argument and vow to never speak again. No matter what hurtful things were said, he would always call a few hours later to make-up and we would apologize. He was so good about that. He hated when we fought, couldn't stand the fact that I was upset with him. I loved that about him, he was so passionate about our relationship and always fought for us.

September 13, 2013 we had another one of those arguments. It ended with him saying that if I couldn't make up my mind with moving there, we were going to have to stop talking. We hung up that day and I didn't think anything of it, I knew he would come around and everything would be fine again.

Two days went by and I heard nothing... Angry that he hadn't reached out to me yet, I decided I wasn't going to try to contact him either. Another three days went by... Nothing. A week... Nothing. I decided to text him and he never responded. Two weeks went by... I tried to call and his phone was out of service. I was so hurt. After us threatening to change our numbers all the time he had actually DONE it. He REALLY didn't want me anymore. I was devastated.

On the third week I decided to email him how I truly felt. No response. By that point, every little thing reminded me of him and how we hadn't talked in so long. I was hurting so bad, and was so angry that he didn't even care. Although it was so unlike him, I justified his actions because of how stressful and conflicted our relationship had been that last year. It brought out the worst in both of us. I always quoted the lyrics from Chris Young, "We're like fire and gasoline. I'm no good for you, you're no good for me". It summed us up perfectly. He hated when I said that. I told myself that this is what was best for us. I didn't want to keep our relationship going knowing that it wouldn't work. We couldn't be in a long distance relationship forever. We had to move on, as much as I didn't want to. He was such an amazing man and he deserved to be with someone he could actually BE with every night. I had to let him go.

November 11, 2013 I went to bed around 10:30. I could not get Nick out of my head. My heart hurt just thinking about him. I decided to email him again since it had been TWO MONTHS since we talked. I told him I was sorry, that if he still wanted me to move I would. That our relationship was worth the sacrifice. That I was sorry for not seeing that before. I told him I loved him and that I needed him back in my life. After an hour of checking my email every three seconds waiting for a response, I decided to check his Facebook. I was expecting to see a new girlfriend in his profile pic, or some status about him moving on. I had deleted him off of my Facebook earlier this year after one of our big arguments. I went to google and put in his name to pull up his Facebook like I had done a dozen times before. As the search results loaded my heart stopped.

I couldn't breathe. The first thing that came up was his picture... next to his obituary. I was in disbelief. I ran to the bathroom as I began to get sick. I clicked the link... He died September 13th, 2013, the night we "stopped talking".

My world came crashing down that night. Those two months of no responses... The two months of endless texts, calls, and emails... He was gone- the whole time. I had no idea. I had so many unanswered questions.

The first few days after finding out I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk, I couldn't sleep. All I did was cry. How could I not know?

It's been a week or so now... I've reached out to his mother (whom I had never met). He passed away that night from a freak heart attack. She didn't know how to contact me and said she prayed for me to get in touch with her every night.

As hard as it is to still accept that he is gone, I know he is still with me everyday. I look back on everything we had, and if I was able to do it all over again I would. He is worth all the pain. If I didn't believe in a god or some sort of higher power then, I sure do now. Something kept us apart. Some uneasy feeling in my heart and soul kept me from moving with him and I believe this is why. We weren't meant to be forever, but we were meant to share the time we did together. He changed my life. I miss him more than words can say. I love him, and I know how much he loved me. It's so hard knowing he isn't a phone call or a plane ride away anymore... I know he is up there telling me that it's all going to be ok and that he is so happy that now, he can be with me everyday. I feel him around me. I hear his words... I hear that accent I so dearly loved.

I often wonder if I will ever feel normal again. If I will ever go a day with out feeling empty again. I know that I will always have a hole in my heart... I also know that one day the edges of that hole won't be so raw... and that it will be easier to deal with his passing. I love you more than you will ever know baby. Muah!
breee84 breee84
22-25, F
Nov 26, 2013