Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study, last year i was the first in my class but now i don't think so... i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 30 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so bad....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa , and even if i pay for a holiday they will not accept me ,i don't know why ....if that guy knows that i'll kill my self he will come to me, but i don't want to tell him, i don't want to make him feel guilty about my depression.

I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life ....i need help.
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
3 Responses Jan 9, 2013

بهدلتنا الله لا يربحك

Hey buddy you can just kill yourself because you cnt be with the one you love. But I understand a little. I lost my boyfriend/kids father. He was shot and killed and sometimes I feel like I should be dead too. But that won't change anything. Yea it seems like all my worries will go away. But we still all have to face God. And maybe God doesn't want you with him for a reason. Just like God took Kingsley for a reason.! Sorry Bout your pain I truly understand I'm miserable myself but we can't take the easy way we can't let he devil win

I think you need to realise there are other men out there for you, you should not want to end your life because you cannot be with someone, your life is more valuable than that. If he really loved and cared about you, no matter what reasons, he would come to see you

I absolutely know that he can't be here....he told me about it..and he is sorry for that.
i know that he will be the happinest man in the world ,if i'll met him.....