I Miss My Brother

My brother, Mark, passed away unexpectedly nearly three-years ago but the pain still feels just as raw as it did my I first found out. Mark was two-years older than me and my only sibling. He was 31 when he died. We were really close and helped each other get through my dad's cancer and stem cell transplant. Luckily dad survived, but very sadly Mark didn't. He died in a crash on his way home from work just weeks after dad was released from hospital. I was in Spain at the time and had the awful experience of finding out over the phone and trying to make my way back to the UK alone. I remember not being able to stop crying at the airport. I hadn't even had a chance to say goodbye to Mark before I flew to Spain just four days earlier, this still bothers me now. I moved in with Mark's wife, Emma, after his death. Mark and Emma were five days off their first wedding anniversary when he died, and Emma didn't want to be alone. I also spent a lot of time looking after my parents, who were and still are struggling with dad's cancer - it keeps going in and out of remission. Concentrating on everyone else helped me deal with the initial pain, but as time went on I realised I hadn't given myself a chance to properly grieve. I find the pain so acute that it's easier to try and block it out than deal with it. But this isn't sustainable and ends up causing problems elsewhere through stress and anger. I know I need to deal with Mark's death and am thinking about counselling. He was such a larger than life character, I find it hard to comprehend that he could possibly be gone, even though I know deep down he is. I comfort myself with the idea that his spirit lives on and that he is watching down on all his family every day.

I will always miss Mark. It pains me to know that when I have children, they will never meet their uncle. He won't be there on my wedding day or to celebrate the good times. I find it unbelievable that at 32, I am now at an age that my older brother never reached. How can a younger sister be older than her older brother? These things bother me. But what bothers me most is just simply not being to talk to him. Not being to call when I'm happy, sad or just want a chat. It feels like I've lost a limb. We grew up together, I thought we'd grow old together but life had other plans.

Divebunny Divebunny
1 Response Feb 11, 2009

Im sorry to hear about your loss. I know how you feel and Im not just saying that. I recently lost my older brother who was 2 years older than me. He was my only sibling that I grew up (I have a half brother who I saw twice and lives in another country). So for so long it was only me and him. He was 29 when he passed and I just turned 27. I know it cuts real deep into your soul, the pain is unbelievable its indescribable. In his eulogy I said " I thought I knew what heartbreak was and the pain it delivered, but I never knew pain such as this." I know exactly what you are going through, I am still in real pain, it hasnt been a year yet since his death and I still cant fathom the thought that I will never see him or talk to him again. I know you probably heard that people say that time will heal, maybe it will. Im hoping it will. Because when you said that u feel like u lost a limb, thats exactly how I feel, I feel like a lost a part of me. We were always together growing up, Me and him. Brother and sister. I just cant get over it. Im having a hard time even thinking about the good times, it hurts more to think about it. Im crying right now just thinking about him and our memories. Just want to let u know, that you are not alone. Hang in there. Im there with you, and we can get through this together. WIth the support of our family, loved ones and God, we will heal together.. See, its like a wound, it will heal but the scar will always be there. At this point, our wounds are very much fresh. But im hopeful and have faith...hang in there....