Cat Died In July, Still Sick About It...

Of course she had to be the favorite of my cats. She was also the first I adopted of them all. Really, it's been 4 months and I know that isn't a long time. But it is not getting much easier. The initial shock was bad but maybe it is taking time to just sink in. Anyway, I loved her. I loved her perhaps more than anything else. I feel like each day is not complete without her being here. That isn't strong enough wording. I love my other cats and I love some people, too. But I loved my cat more than anything else in the world.

I have one of her kittens, who is an adult cat. It's great I still have him. He could tell she was very sick and sometimes would lick her face and ears more than usual. You could tell that he knew how bad off she was. But he couldn't do anything, and neither could I. She had an incurable disease. The vet gave her about a month and that is as long as she lasted. In hindsight I should have put her down. She was in pain. I thought she was getting something out of life and so let her live but in retrospect, I doubt she was getting enough to justify keeping her alive. It would have been better if I had put her down. She stopped eating entirely about 2 weeks before she died. She also stopped drinking. I had to, in essence, force-hydrate her with a syringe. She fought it but I made her take just some fluid every day. I thought it was the right thing to do and maybe by some measure it was. It was a struggle and was heartbreaking to me whenever I did it. Her poor little diseased body just got weaker and weaker and I could feel it in how she felt in my hands, but she struggled anyway. But really, in hindsight, I should have put her down soon after getting the diagnosis. The X-ray showed quite clearly she was in a bad way.

Something else I feel bad about. When I left for work the day she died, I had a feeling that this would be the day she went. There was some look about her face that told me that she knew that time was very short for her. Or maybe she was just in a lot of pain. But somehow I got the feeling that today would be the day. But I second-guessed myself, thinking I was just being paranoid about it. I also thought that maybe if today were the day, I would be back before she died. Well, I was wrong. I came home and she was lying in a corner of the living room, dead. She had already stiffened up so it could not have been too long after I left, maybe noon at latest; she was still warm but this was summer and that is not so unusual to imagine. I was in disbelief, even knowing that she was dying and would die soon. I placed her into a pillow case and put her in my freezer since the vet was closed for the day. The next AM I took her to the vet and filled out the cremation forms. I had her cremated and now have the ashes. What would have happened if I had stayed home from work that day? Would I have just been there when she died and nothing else? Would I have decided to take her to the vet and put her down? I don't know. One good thing if anything that could come from it is that her cat-child knows what happened to her. It's not like I took her away one day and she never came back. He knows for certain what happened to her. I am sure he discovered her body in that corner. So anyway, I feel a great sense of guilt around this part of things. It isn't really rational but I have it. I also have a lot of guilt around not putting her down soon after getting the diagnosis. In fairness to myself though this was the first time I had to deal with this kind of situation. I'll know better next time.

It has helped typing all this out. But one thing that hasn't gone away is my feelings of loss around this cat. And love for her. I really wish I had her here with me now so I could hug her and talk to her and play with her some. She was the sweetest kitty in the world and now, she's gone. I don't think there'll ever be another cat like her, at least not to me. I have been tearing/blubbing up on and off for the past 4 hours over her. I hope she is in a better place now and I also hope we can see each other again one day. Rest in peace, my little love.
catdude catdude
5 Responses Nov 12, 2011

I feel for every one of you because I lost my Punky in June 2011 and still think of her and cry.<br />
I wish she had had kittens so I could have one of them.......a part of her. Guilt is what I feel also.<br />
Not many people can relate to what I'm feeling about an animal. I feel worse than when my parents died. I only hope I am good enough to go to where God brings people and their animals together.<br />
My heart goes out to all of you.

We understand, carolinabluecat. You are not alone. We all feel this kind of loss. It is terrible indeed. You'll see her again one day, don't worry about that. It'll happen.

Thank you all for your kind comments and giving me a different perspective. Life is cruel sometimes without warning. God bless all who have lost a beloved pet and are grieving.

Thanks for all you comments. I googled "i still miss my cat" and found your posts. I lost my sweet little boy cat Wolfgang on November 8 and I still cry every day and hurt so much from missing him. I'm so lost without him. I live alone and am presently unemployed, also lost my mother earlier this year and he was keeping me together through it all. And then I lost him too! I was holding it together but when he went too I lost the best friend I ever had. Knowing I gave him love and he had a good home for 11 years helps a little and my faith in God helps. I know I will see him in heaven. He was my beautiful little boy. I used to sing that John Lennon song "Beautiful Boy" to him and he loved it. Goodbye my little guy. Momma's wishing you were here to sit underneath the Christmas tree.

Thank you Audrey. I'm so sorry that you also lost your beloved cat recently. It really is a huge loss to us when these things happen. I know I'll be feeling her (my own deceased cat's) absence this year around xmas time. Hang in there and know that you will see your darling little boy again one day.

I am so sorry for your loss Audrey. Why so many bad things happen at once I don't know. My mother just lost her brother and a week later she took her cat (who held her together when my dad died last year) to the vet for a teeth cleaning and he had a heart attack and died. I think life can be extremely cruel in this respect, we are given these wonderful friends to help us through the hard times, and just when we need them most they are taken from us. Perhaps there is a reason we just don't understand. My uncle was very fond of my mothers cat, perhaps they accompany them or have someone to be with on the other side, until we get there.

That was very well put, funny I was posting to make you feel better and you end up making me feel better, as you are right of course. We gave them very good happy lives. Funny thing is I didn't even want a cat but my xwife did, he didn't care for her much so when she left, thankfully she left him with me no argument.<br />
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It is a high price to pay indeed, that we have to lose them, inevitably. I lost my dad 24 hours after the cat, a wonderful father I still miss, but it guilts me that I miss the cat more, but I find this is not uncommon, as I spent most of my non working hours for 20 years with him, he was always there. <br />
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Well you are right, they were lucky to have owners like us that cared so much for them, yes I saw many ugly things at work, but nothing in my entire life prepared me for this grief. If you have heard of the author Cleveland Amory(used to write extensively, books, TV guide etc before passing on) he wrote 3 books about his cat, the last being The Best Cat ever. It was consoling to read he went through the same feelings we do. He came to terms with it by basically saying he knows without a doubt if there is an afterlife, he will see his cat again, despite what some pompous religions might say, he knew right from wrong. I rather hold on to that thought.

Your story is heart breaking. I feel exactly the same way and its been a year for me. I was a police officer and had mine for 20 years, some of which he was all I had to come home to. Always at the window watching for me to come home. It is a horrible intense pain, that never totally goes away. All you can do is try and take your mind off it but there are so many reminders. <br />
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It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one, that loved that cat more then anything, if it helps I totally feel your pain, thats why I came back here, it helps to know that others feel as you do.

You also have nothing what so ever to feel guilty about. You could have done nothing and it was probably better the child cat was there to know what happened rather then take to vet to put down. I feel guilty because I couldn't be in the room when they put hi down, my wife was with him, but I just couldn't bear it, I still feel awful about that. I just wish some power could let us know we will see them again, just something to lessen the pain

Thank you, HopeLost. That is very nice of you to say and perhaps only we as individuals can understand what it is like to feel our particular loss of our particular cats (or more generally, for anyone and any companion animal). But the idea is always the same: a creature you love so much must inevitably die and since they usually don't live very long compared to us, they usually die before we do, if not of disease then of old age. I guess it's the price we pay for having them: knowing they will predecease us. But it just doesn't make it any easier.

Anyway, thanks again for replying and I am truly very sorry as well for your loss. Having been a police officer, you must have seen a lot of ugly stuff, and heart-breaking stuff as well. Undoubtedly that kitty of yours must have been the bright spot in your life at the end of so many days. We have this one great solace though, and it is this: these cats had it good with us. They got to live as long as cats can, free from predators and the brutality of the change of seasons, and from diseases they would have gotten living in the wild. We gave them love and safety, much more than so many other animals get. These were lucky cats indeed and we made them that way. And they returned the favor with their love and affection. But I guess we just can't rewrite the rules of nature.