Cat Died In July, Still Sick About It...Of course she had to be the favorite of my cats. She was also the first I adopted of them all. Really, it's been 4 months and I know that isn't a long time. But it is not getting much easier. The initial shock was bad but maybe it is taking time to just sink in. Anyway, I loved her. I loved her perhaps more than anything else. I feel like each day is not complete without her being here. That isn't strong enough wording. I love my other cats and I love some people, too. But I loved my cat more than anything else in the world.
I have one of her kittens, who is an adult cat. It's great I still have him. He could tell she was very sick and sometimes would lick her face and ears more than usual. You could tell that he knew how bad off she was. But he couldn't do anything, and neither could I. She had an incurable disease. The vet gave her about a month and that is as long as she lasted. In hindsight I should have put her down. She was in pain. I thought she was getting something out of life and so let her live but in retrospect, I doubt she was getting enough to justify keeping her alive. It would have been better if I had put her down. She stopped eating entirely about 2 weeks before she died. She also stopped drinking. I had to, in essence, force-hydrate her with a syringe. She fought it but I made her take just some fluid every day. I thought it was the right thing to do and maybe by some measure it was. It was a struggle and was heartbreaking to me whenever I did it. Her poor little diseased body just got weaker and weaker and I could feel it in how she felt in my hands, but she struggled anyway. But really, in hindsight, I should have put her down soon after getting the diagnosis. The X-ray showed quite clearly she was in a bad way.
Something else I feel bad about. When I left for work the day she died, I had a feeling that this would be the day she went. There was some look about her face that told me that she knew that time was very short for her. Or maybe she was just in a lot of pain. But somehow I got the feeling that today would be the day. But I second-guessed myself, thinking I was just being paranoid about it. I also thought that maybe if today were the day, I would be back before she died. Well, I was wrong. I came home and she was lying in a corner of the living room, dead. She had already stiffened up so it could not have been too long after I left, maybe noon at latest; she was still warm but this was summer and that is not so unusual to imagine. I was in disbelief, even knowing that she was dying and would die soon. I placed her into a pillow case and put her in my freezer since the vet was closed for the day. The next AM I took her to the vet and filled out the cremation forms. I had her cremated and now have the ashes. What would have happened if I had stayed home from work that day? Would I have just been there when she died and nothing else? Would I have decided to take her to the vet and put her down? I don't know. One good thing if anything that could come from it is that her cat-child knows what happened to her. It's not like I took her away one day and she never came back. He knows for certain what happened to her. I am sure he discovered her body in that corner. So anyway, I feel a great sense of guilt around this part of things. It isn't really rational but I have it. I also have a lot of guilt around not putting her down soon after getting the diagnosis. In fairness to myself though this was the first time I had to deal with this kind of situation. I'll know better next time.
It has helped typing all this out. But one thing that hasn't gone away is my feelings of loss around this cat. And love for her. I really wish I had her here with me now so I could hug her and talk to her and play with her some. She was the sweetest kitty in the world and now, she's gone. I don't think there'll ever be another cat like her, at least not to me. I have been tearing/blubbing up on and off for the past 4 hours over her. I hope she is in a better place now and I also hope we can see each other again one day. Rest in peace, my little love.