There Is No Letting Go

I never imagined I would ever miss him this much.  We had a rocky life together.  We were so much alike that we basically clashed and held a strong dislike for the other.  At one point in my life, I worried that I hated him.  And I often felt certain that he hated me.  It was all emotional and all consuming, though in the moment I did not realize the extent.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I was never his little girl, I think I ruined that as soon as I learned to talk fluently.  And learning to talk led to learning to yell, which I did a lot of - mostly directed at him.  He would breathe wrong and I would yell.  The world would breathe wrong and I would yell, at him.  It was all his fault anyways, he was the reason why I was genetically made the way I was made.  I inherited every aspect of this man.  And I don't think I often let him forget that.  I never once thought of how all of this was from his side of the fence.  I only think of that now - a year after his life is all said and done, with so many things left unsaid and undone.  My regrets are aplenty, but I have a feeling my father feels the same.  We were both cowards.  The end of his life came and we had time, we had so much time to say something.  We said nothing.  23 years of life and all I get is one deathbed I love you.  It does not hold enough weight, it does not change much except the fact that I know it could have been just that much worse - he could have not said it at all.  That is one sad memory that I will cherish for eternity.  But it kills me to think of how easily things could have been so much different.  With one short discussion my life could have been altered and I could be okay right now.  I knew it needed to be done, even without every one telling me that I need to hurry up and do it before it's too late.  You know what though, he was the adult in this situation.  He should have been the one to fix this broken life, and everyone should have been pressuring Him to say something before it's too late.  But of course, if they did that then they would have been confirming to him and/or themselves that he was in fact going to die.  I sometimes think that I was the only one who did not really accept or understand the fact that he really would die.  The idea of mortality was wasted on me.  And now I'm left here, alone in a world that my father and I created.  A world of which I know he understood.  We shared the same perspective; we were one and the same.  It kills me to think of how I could have utilized him throughout life - him who shared the same mental afflictions and truly saw life in the same grey color as I did.  But now I just miss him, deeply. 
QuietlyUnspoken QuietlyUnspoken
22-25, F
5 Responses Nov 5, 2006

Your story made me cry, thank you it was really touching, I too had a stormy relationship with my dad, mainly because we were so much alike. When he passed I had a terrible time getting through it. Hindsight is a ****** isn't it? Im a grown up woman, but I still miss my dad.

Dads are irreplaceable, that's for sure. I know mine was... He committed suicide, two days after taking me to see the christmas lights. It was an amazing night, cold with the snow falling down, us bundled up laughing. It was just the two of us, and the last time I ever saw him. I was 15.<br />
He was an alcoholic, drug user, and a liar, but he was still my dad, and I loved him. I know God gave us that last night together, so that I will always have something to remember my dad by. <br />
Whether your dad committed suicide like mine, died in his sleep, a car accident, is over seas, or is just out of town, they are still our dads, even with all their faults, and we still miss them. <br />
Godspeed, Daddy...<br />
Love, Little Sis

Your story has literally gotten me sppechless! I can't believe what I have read is exactly what I am going through and I truly mean, literally have experienced and gone through with my own dad.<br />
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I thank the LORD to have ran across your story. It means so much to me. <br />
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Please keep in touch.<br />
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Much Love,<br />

You are lucky enough to have seen him alive on his death bed AND for him to say he loved you. My dad was already in a coma when I saw him and we were always on bad terms pretty much. I don't ever recall my father saying he loved not once.

I know exactly how you feel. My father died almost two years ago, very abruptly in his sleep. <br />
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After he left my mom we spent the next year or so going out every week, I was very young so he would take me to the bookstore, the beach, or we would just go for a drive. As I got older, the visits became less and less to the point where we just stopped talking. He eventually even stopped coming on my Birthday and I would always be so angry with him. Many years went without a word, we saw eachother again at my brother's wedding and we decided to try on our relationship again. <br />
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A couple weeks after the wedding we went to the annual fair and spent the day together. I realized how much him and I were alike, we shared the same perspective on things, the same open mindness and the same interests. After the fair, we decided to meet up and have dinner but he called and cancelled because he had to work late, but decided we would go out three days from then. Two days later, he died of a heart attack in his sleep.<br />
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I wish every day that I had more time with him, because he was the one person that really understood where I was coming from because well, he was the same. I am very happy we were able to start mending our relationship before the end, but I wish it was more. <br />
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You are very, very lucky to be able to say goodbye to him and i'm very certain he wished that he could have spent more time with you too.