Why Does It Hurt So Much

Dad you've been away now for 5 months 3 weeks 48 hours 14 minutes 56 seconds, and every second that passes, well not every second, but nearly, I just really want to spend time with you again.  Before you went into hospital, you were in your new hoosie, which we had made as cozy and comfortable for you as you loved, but I remember one dark afternoon popping in unexpected, rushing between three jobs, being a Mum, running a home, walking the dog, feeding the cat, shopping, everything that is still here and will be, but not you and you were sitting in the dark on your wee chair with your reading light on and you woke up with a start coz you had been having a wee nap, you looked so lonely and just like a little boy lost.  I remember getting a little angry with you and saying get some lights on, its too dark in here, just popped in quickly Dad, can't stay too long, oh my if only I could stay there forever just talking to you how I would change time. Then there was another time when me, Debbie, Tanya, Danyelle and Baby John were with you on yet another short visit Saturday afternoon and little Danyelle said she was bored and wanted to go home, you snapped at her and told her to go home then, see if you care, and I said Dad, don't speak to her like that, she's only 4, she doesn't know any better and she is bored and I felt like I had snapped at you, I still get an icy finger running down my spine, that song IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME, just wish words could be true.

Now sadly Dad another minute has passed without you and what I would do just to hear your voice on the phone again, you used to phone me every morning, Hi Sweetheart, just letting you known I'm still breathing and to see you are up ok, then I would phone you every night to see you were in bed okay and just to see how you were.  I remember talking to you on the phone the night you got taken into hospital and I'm so sorry Dad I wasn't there till the next lunchtime, I had to work in the morning at 0800 ad was just being selfish again, I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry too for me and Debbie rowing, i just can't believe how she is being to me, all I did was ask for what she was due me after all this months and now she's not talking to me at all.  The night we argued she was shouting and saying it was all my fault, Oh Dad if you were here all this would not be happening and I could still speak to you everyday and every night.

Miss you so so much and just want the hurting to stop.

Love you Forever Dad
Your Di xxxx