I Miss My Dad

I lost my dad on the 15th May 2011, he was rushed into hospital the week before and by the following weekend he had gone.  I wrote a story about my feelings at the time and received some helpful comments.  I still cant come to terms that i am never going to see him ever again, people kept telling me that things would be easier after the funeral, things are just the same if not worse.  I still havnt cried, i cant, i know if i do that will be it, i wont stop, i will just fall apart and im scared that i will not be able to pull myself back out of it.

My partner, who ive been with for 27 years, keeps trying to get me to talk but i cant, i just close up.  It upsets him because he lost his mom when he was 26 and i was there to pick up the pieces when he fell apart and now he wonts to help me the same way but i keep shutting him out.  We have always been very very close and can usually talk about everything apart from this.

Tomorrow will be my dads birthday, 30th September and im so worried that this will be the day that i totally loose it, i cant accept he has gone because then ive got to accept that i will never see him again.  He was such a huge part of my life, i go to mom and dads every day and if i didnt or i was late he would be on the phone asking me where i was and what was i doing.  Dont get me wrong, he was a pain in the arse and over the years we had had a lot of problems, probably more than most but during the last few years we had got so close and although he had done things the wrong way round i knew he loved me so much and was only trying to show me.

My mom is still struggling, he was her life and now she is lost. It is so sad to see her trying to be strong for everyone else.  We talk about dad all the time and we laugh about the stories, the doctor has advised her to take tablets but thats not what she needs and she knows that.  She keeps telling me i need to cry but how can i do that and then risk falling apart when she needs me most.

Most nights i wake up about 3am and i feel myself filling up but then i stop myself because i dont want to wake my partner and then have to risk relying on him to get me through.  I never ever thought my dad would die, i know it sounds stupid but i just assumed he would be here forever in my life just like my mom.  Life is so short, we are gone before we know so make the most of every day, even if you have a bad day.
lisathompson1969 lisathompson1969
36-40, F
3 Responses Sep 29, 2011

I lost my dad many years ago, when I was 21. I can assure you that it gets to be easier over time.<br />
<br />
I do still miss him, and still think of him many times every day. Since I have had a son of my own, it's brought back a lot of loving memories. In many ways, my dad lives through me, as I have so much of him in my I now pass on to my son.<br />
<br />
It will get better, and you will find your way to grieve, get through it, and use what you have from your experience, and your dad, in positive ways.

Thanks so much for comment, things seem to be in limbo, ive now got restless leg syndrome and doc says its caused by stress and thinks its because i havnt come to terms with dad going, it will be a year in may but still feels like yesterday, i know the day will come but i just hope i can get through it, my partner cant understand because he lost his mom when he was 24 and said if it wasnt for me he would never have got through it and so he wants to be there for me. Anyway thanks again for your comment, it really helped me x

my adopted father past away 16yrs ago,we wernt that close,no hugs,no''i love u'' but i know he did.i wish he was around offen to see whats happening in my life,so instead of being sad,i keep him alive by talkin about him and when i score goals in hockey,i point to the sky and say''thats for u dad''.when i go sking i dedicate my runs down the mountain to people that arnt here in my life,but this keeps memories alive and i get to laugh out loud as i desend down the slopes.another way is look at the big picture.there is always worst somewhere else in this world so thank your stars u knew him.so poeple loose everthing,so have started out with nothing,food,water a bed to sleep in.pendin on culture-most are celebretin death as a new begining.use your fathers memories as your insperation to make him proud,he want that.just look up,he is watchin!dont dissappont him by giving in.thks for your time-dewy

Thanks for your comment, i totally agree and understand what you are saying, thats why i am just trying to get on with it, all my family depend on me for support so i cant let go, but you are right there are always people alot worse off than yourself, i talk to him quite often and have pics around the house, he never said he loved me or did hugs but i knew he loved me, my mum was always the same, my son used to say give us a hug nan and she used to tell him where to go but things have changed with her since dad going and the other day she walked up to my son and gave him a big hug, now he is in shock lol, he keeps telling everyone because my family were never like that, when i met my partner and had kids it took me along time to feel right giving the kids and others a hug. It made me feel terrible but i got through it, i know i will get through this, it was just a big shock, one day he was fine, next minute he was gone in less than a week. Thanks again for your words of wisdom
Lisa x

We all need our own time to grieve. I know you want to keep it together for your mother but YOU also need to release that grief too. Breaking down is not a sign of weakness and I would lean on your partner too - for your own well-being as well as others. How can you help your mother if you cannot deal with your own grief?

Thankyou so much for your comment, everything you say is right and i know that i need to deal with my pain. It is so hard to see all the family getting on with their lives as if dad was never there but i know that is what i have to do, i need to get on with things liike dad would want me to I know he will never be here in person again but he will always be with me in every other way. Thank you again for taking the time to write your comment.