I Miss My DadI lost my dad on the 15th May 2011, he was rushed into hospital the week before and by the following weekend he had gone. I wrote a story about my feelings at the time and received some helpful comments. I still cant come to terms that i am never going to see him ever again, people kept telling me that things would be easier after the funeral, things are just the same if not worse. I still havnt cried, i cant, i know if i do that will be it, i wont stop, i will just fall apart and im scared that i will not be able to pull myself back out of it.
My partner, who ive been with for 27 years, keeps trying to get me to talk but i cant, i just close up. It upsets him because he lost his mom when he was 26 and i was there to pick up the pieces when he fell apart and now he wonts to help me the same way but i keep shutting him out. We have always been very very close and can usually talk about everything apart from this.
Tomorrow will be my dads birthday, 30th September and im so worried that this will be the day that i totally loose it, i cant accept he has gone because then ive got to accept that i will never see him again. He was such a huge part of my life, i go to mom and dads every day and if i didnt or i was late he would be on the phone asking me where i was and what was i doing. Dont get me wrong, he was a pain in the arse and over the years we had had a lot of problems, probably more than most but during the last few years we had got so close and although he had done things the wrong way round i knew he loved me so much and was only trying to show me.
My mom is still struggling, he was her life and now she is lost. It is so sad to see her trying to be strong for everyone else. We talk about dad all the time and we laugh about the stories, the doctor has advised her to take tablets but thats not what she needs and she knows that. She keeps telling me i need to cry but how can i do that and then risk falling apart when she needs me most.
Most nights i wake up about 3am and i feel myself filling up but then i stop myself because i dont want to wake my partner and then have to risk relying on him to get me through. I never ever thought my dad would die, i know it sounds stupid but i just assumed he would be here forever in my life just like my mom. Life is so short, we are gone before we know so make the most of every day, even if you have a bad day.