My Dad Died 3 Months Ago Today

i was lucky enough to get 26 years with my daddy.. i have to keep telling myself that because now he is gone and it hurts so badly. my dad was an alcoholic and ultimately died from cirrhosis of the liver at age 58. unfortunately, we had no idea he even had it until 3 days before he died. i have nothing but loving and fun memories of growing up with my dad, he was an awesome dad and i loved him unconditionally. his alcoholism started to effect me around middle school i think. he was a great dad in almost every way, his drinking caused him to isolate and withdraw from the family. i never even realized i had serious issues relating to my dad until the week prior to his death. it was uncomfortably ironic how everything played out...

i got to "say goodbye" to my dad in the hospital.. if seeing him in a coma barely breathing and unable to move counts as that.. i held his hand and sat by his side for hours the day before he passed. it was surreal and looking back seems like a dream. our relationship was strained the last year of his life due to my anger/resentment as well as MY own struggle with heroin addiction that had caused me to hurt him and the rest of my family. this has left me with a whole **** load of "unfinished business", guilt, despair, anxiety, regret, confusion and so on.. i walked around in a "haze" from the time he went in the hospital on oct 26 until right before xmas. i relapsed the day he passed (oct 29) the second i got home from the hospital where he died i got in my car and drove to pick up. by some miracle i managed to find the will to get sober again and have now been clean since dec 14th. however since then it feels like reality has come crashing down on me. i just started reading about ACAs and found that i fit the profile almost to a T.. i have a son of my own who is almost 2 now and i do NOT want to repeat this viscious cycle. i am just having such a hard time being able to grieve this enormous loss and still be the happy loving & PRESENT mom that my son deserves. some days i feel like i can beat this and then theres days like today when i just cant do it anymore . i just want to run away and focus on myself for a while but then i feel guilty and horrible for thinking that. anyway.. long story but yes i really really miss my dad...
lovebink lovebink
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 29, 2012

I miss mine too; immensely. He died approx. 3 months ago. The hurting does not subside.<br />
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