I Really Want Him Back

I have attempted to write this story at least 2 to 3 dozen times since I added the experience to my profile but I always break down in tears and cannot finish it.  Tonight I have been tearful already because I have had a tough week at work and on top of that relationship misunderstandings can take a toll on anyone so while I am crying already I will write my story through to the end. 



I miss my dad more than I would miss my heart if it were ripped out of my chest and never returned. See my father is very much alive you see but I have not seen him or most of my family for a very long time.  They don’t live that far away either; only about 60 to 90 minutes but due to unfortunate circumstances and irreconcilable differences I haven’t seen them in a long time.  I miss my dad most of all.  He is a very good man and nothing he did caused this problem in the family. 



If I could go back and erase the last 5 years of life other than the very special friends I have made on EP and two other people I would give it all up to be able to go back to what I had previously.  Anyhow I am missing my dad tonight just like I do every night.


FUNGIRL UPDATE:  I am writing my dad a letter and I will be sending it next week.  I will be posting the letter here for all of you to read in honor of all you folks that took the time to post a comment for me and urging me to do this. I will also be coming back with updates to let you know how it goes.  Your outpouring of love, support, and genuine concern for me is overwhelming and I certainly do not deserve all this but I do want to thank each and every one of you that have posted to this story. Because of you I will take the action to repair the broken wheel and hopefully we will be riding smoothly soon.  I will let you know.




September 4, 2008

Dear Dad,

You’ve done your best to take care of me ever since I was a little. You tried to raise me with good values and a sense of right and wrong. You taught me everything you could (or at least everything I was willing to learn), and sent me out into the world with a bittersweet thought that your baby had grown up. Well, I’ll tell you what, I still haven’t grown up, but I am trying. It’s hard to be an adult, you know. Life can get so hectic and tiring. So many people give up on being good. It’s hard to watch that happen. I guess the one comfort is that there is always hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for better times. Hope for the things that last.

I do owe you-- more than I could ever pay. All the sacrifices you made and all the tears you cried were not a waste. I know you did your best for me. I need to tell you that I appreciate that. We both know neither of us was perfect. That doesn’t matter. Perfection is overrated. What matters is that you cared. You cared and you gave and you wanted everyone to be happy. More important still is that you never gave up. Sure, you lost a battle here and there, but you bravely won the war. You finished the race. You passed the test... with f*ckingly spectacular, flying colors.

So how do you thank someone like that? How do you give back to someone who has spent his entire life doing absolutely everything he could do for you? Honestly, I can’t answer that question. I can only hope and pray that God reminds me every day of what you went through for me. I can try and tell you how lucky I feel to have such a wonderful dad and I can work to give back to you a little of what you gave to me; the best gift of all, the gift of my dad's love. It’s been a long time coming, but I think I finally get it. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One more thing; no matter what happens, Dad, I want you to know that I will always be your baby and that I do love you. I am forever “daddy's little girl” so please call me and we will talk things over because I am missing you tonight like I have every night for the last 5 years and it is time that we forget the past and move into the future. I am holding out my hand and the music is playing. If your feet can take it may I have this dance because I really am missing you?







UPDATE 4/30/2009:

I have my father and most of my family back in my life.  It has been a long journey to get  where we are and I won't say it is perfect, but I have my mom and dad eating dinner with me a couple of times so far plus we have gone shopping.  My mom has been planting flowers with me and loving me.  It is a special time in my life as I get to re-know these people.  Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes.  It is a long journey I have to get to my destination, but I feel like a burden was listed in this situation.  I love each and every one of you for all the thoughts and the comments that you have made to help me along this path.  I really do.  Okay now that I have tears in my eyes again I will stop before I break out crying.


fungirlmmm fungirlmmm
46-50, F
102 Responses May 22, 2008

I just found this Jaycee and I am crying after reading it. I hope it works out and the other contact you made recently continues to work out. Love Kelly

Go while he is still alive.... don't wait like I did....tomorrow may not come for one of you......!pf

Thanks USAIR, I am trying... the letter causeda reaction from my brother but nothing from my dad so far. Another letter will be forthcoming.

thanks girl

FG,<br />
i don't know what problems are between your dad and your family, but if he isn't a child molester, or an abusive parent, than nothing could keep me away from my dad.<br />
<br />
You see FG, my dad died when i was only 3 years old and I have cried my eyes out of my head almost every single night since i could remember! I didn't stop until i was almost 27 years old, LOL. Im now 51 yeas old and i still love and miss what could've been if I had my dad.<br />
<br />
God Bless You and your love ones, please let the little things go and let God work out the big ones.

Poker, My dad loves me and he never touched me sexually in my life. I had a great childhood and he taught me a lot and I am today because of my father. Just too much happened and I can let it go but my family turned their back on me and I can't get the relationship back though I have tried.

I found your letter very powerful. "Life can get so hectic and tiring. So many people give up on being good. It’s hard to watch that happen." Beautiful.


No sweetie I haven't.

It's Okay! I live with it.

I don't really know you, but I commend your bravery with all my heart. It's easier to let things go by without doing the hard work of fixing a relationship. We live in a world where everything is able to be thrown away, but there are things in life that are so sacred that the passage of time can't let us give them up. <br />
<br />
My father and grandfather had a very tumultous relationship, and for years, my father didn't speak to him. The very weekend my father decided to reconcile with him, he was murdered by his caretakers, who divided up his wealth and worldly possesions for themselves, a senseless, vile act. <br />
<br />
My father never got over it, but he turned his attention to my siblings and I and was the best father he could be. Even now, I consult my Papi for everything - I don't always agree with him, nor he with me, but we stick together and I couldn't be more blessed to have him and my mother in my life. <br />
<br />
Give it time, be patient, but above all, open your heart and be ready to undertake the hard work it'll take to have a relationship with him again. It is all worth it in the end, because nothing is stronger than the power of forgiveness and love. Godspeed, amiga.

ty for your comments. Of all my stories, this is the one that can bring me to tears quickest. I love my dad and I miss him more than i would miss my heart. I do have good news about the letter however. My brother happened to read the letter that my father had left out when he was visiting. he found that what he thought was my choice to be away from the family was not true and this led him to send me a message at Christmas. I spent the Friday after New Years with my brother and his family. I saw my 2 yr old niece that I had not seen in her life. See I had contact with my nephew because he would sneak and call me when his parents didn't know (lol he is sneaky like me) but I played with those kids and gave them all the bigger presents I had bought them over the years and couldn't mail. We had a great evening filled with tears and love. I was so happy. I am actually going to stay with my brother and his family soon. All of this came about due to the simple letter I wrote above. i want to tell everyone that I still have hope that I will reconcile with my whole family and that bc of all of you supporting me I now have my brother back in my life. I still have hope that many of you will have this chance too.

Hey, one down...... You've got one on your side, the other will fall like dominoes in time. =) Have faith. A little bit ago, the situation was hopeless, but now you've got some more joy and love in your life. Here's to more.

TY all. I have talked a lot about this with you Rog so you understand more than most. l love you sweetie.<br />
<br />
La, I am praying for that. My mom did leave me a message for Christmas. She bypassed my phone to go right to VM.

Your story brought tears to mine. I can relate and can understand how you must feel especially the part " I miss my dad more than I would miss my heart if it were ripped out of my chest and never returnd. " in my case I miss my mum, dad, brother and sister who is only 6. I will stop here coz this is about you.<br />
<br />
Go girl and hope you sort things out. Iam praying for you.

Shemmy, Let me give you a little piece of my heart here as well. I have hurt so bad and wanted reconcilliation for so many years. My mom and dad have been coming to my home to eat dinner with me about once a week for the last two weeks. My dad took me appliance shopping recently. It is not perfect and in fact, is very hard for me, but I have them partially back in my life. There is hope my friend and I am praying for you now as well. Never give up hope.

Thanks BB. I am overall pretty happy considering all that has happened in my life. I appreciate you so much. I love you sweetie. Thanks for all you do for me. BTW I am going to be ini your neck of the woods later this year.

Thanks Rog. I think this is one of my saddest posts. It is peopllike you that kept pushing me forward. thanks sweetie.

Thanks Rog. I think this is one of my saddest posts. It is peopllike you that kept pushing me forward. thanks sweetie.

Good for you! I am 61 years old and the father I grew up with and yet never knew knows nothing about his first-born child, his first-born grand-child, or his first-born great grandchild. His choice. I tried letters and calls for years - none of which were ever received or acknowledged. He's 87 now - if he's even still alive. At some point, I finally figured out that the only way I could still honor him was to leave him alone in the world he clearly wants. He's more a stranger now than he ever was and I have certainly lived without him longer than I lived with him (I was 16 when I escaped his house and the malevolence he married when I was 3), but it now takes books and lots of prayer and patience while my heavenly Father undoes and redoes what my earthly father forfeited. I believe I won, however, because I ended up with Perfection who loves me perfectly as "Father to the fatherless..." If it has to be that way, to God be the glory. I wrote this to say that I am proud to have read your letter and your journey. It's a letter I wish I could have written and a story I wish I could have told, but since it won't happen that way, do me a favor and celebrate your dad as if he's a new gift you open every day of your life! Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to be his child once in a while.... Even God allows me to sit on His lap when I need to.

Yes, thanks for your comments. I know how hard that is however. I am still talking to them so wish me luck please.

What a great ending... may you and your Dad ans Mom have so many wonderful memories that your cup be over flowing with them. Life is short much shorter then we sometimes realize. I would wish you good luck but you have it already.

Thanks Faucon.

TJ's, It is amazing. Thanks for your comments. ((Hugs))

I miss my dad so much, it doesn't seem to get any better every day. My dad passed away about 7 months ago. Luckily my dad stayed with me for the last year of his life. Before that, there was a big family problem, which stopped me from visiting my parents. This lasted 16 years. After the 16 years both my dad and I have aged!!! My dad was an old man,with gray hair!!! I have wasted valuable time. I love him so much. I would lose anything of value to me in order to get him back. My heart aches and bleeds when I think of him.

hi i was sitting here reading you're letter with tears in my eyes ,that is beautiful that you took the first step in repairing you're relationship with you're family ,because with out you're family it gets very lonely imagine with out you're family especially you're mom and daddy my father and mom are decease my father and i very close and i never new my dad had this rare cancer but he had moved out of my mom's house i could'nt believe it ,i knew something was wrong they had been together for 47 yr's and you up and leave that woman something was'nt right, so one day when i got off of work .i call my oldest son and we went to my father's apt. and he was'nt looking right so i ask him what was wrong he told me nothing ,his head look like it had shrunk i start getting tears in my eyes i said to him i'll be here after work tomorrow and i did i said to him daddy i'm a call you're doctor and i told them the diagnoisis of what i saw they thought ,i was a nurse no i worked in a nursing home for like 10 yrs, @ that time ,i call the ambulance they took him to the hospital ,which was on a monday he died on a monday and was burried on a monday ,just that fast he was gone, that hurted so bad i could'nt believe my daddy was gone ,he had every thing in order ,see he did'nt want to be a burden on m,y mom ,but he would'nt of been i would of taken care of my daddy i loved that man ,he helped me raise my son @15 yr's old when i had my son ,he was hurt cause he had a future for me of going to college but he was their even after me disappointing him, then i lost my mom in 2001 day after xmas .but god can help you through anything and that's where my faith lye the bible say in all you're ways trust in me in all you're ways do not trust in man understanding ,but in all you're ways trust in me, and i'll keep you in my prayers ,see god love when you pray for other people. make peace with you're family god don't agree with you when you hold pride and ignorance he despise that ,that's in scripture. bless you and ,i pray that you all be bless and with the lord in it ,it will work ,more prayer ,more power .bless you and good luck ,let me know how it's going,,diane moss amen ,bless you all.

I am so sorry for your loss Diane.

Hey fungirl...I am glad you got things worked out. How's it going, still good?<br />
<br />
I miss my dad too. We are all meeting at his gravestone this week to remember him and celebrate his life.

I am so sorry for your loss Ima. Things are okay and I see him quite frequently. I am supposed to go to a festival with him soon so we will see.

i never had the opportunity really to get to know my father, when i did i was too angry and detached. He passed away in '04 and i have felt a void since that never fills. My mother is alive and we have no relationship either. for those who have the courage to forget and go back i applaud you. I have severed those existing ties and i do not wish to reattach them but i do miss what i think it feels like to have a mom and a dad, someone to talk to, get advise from, and to feel that unconditional love that some feel from their parents. i would never knw what that feels like, and as i said that void just never fills.

You are so right that the void never fills and it is a feeling that is beyond comparison when you get even a small piece of that back. I will not even pretend to know what happened in your scenario but for your sake I urge you to make sure you are reconciled completely with your decision before it is too late. Sometimes forgiveness is better for the forgiver than the forgiven.

fungirlmm~ you are very articulate in what you needed to say and I think I can learn from what you are saying. i too am estranged from myost of my family...due to my ex-2b I only hope I will have as much as you did in finding the courage to ask for time to talk. I fear they never will, even though I took him out of my life for a time so we could work on things I doubt he will ever fully understand what he hashappened here...I wish you and yours love, laughter and happiness.~TMM

Awww that was amazing!!! Your a strong person and I idol you for your strength. I looooooove you!!

Brave soul. Brave soul!

When i was 9 my parents had a divorce cause my mom found out my dad was using drugs, well i was brokenhearted.. But i did get to visit my dad when there was no class, Whenever i was there i would help him plant his crops that was my way of fun there. He didn't have television so i always went out of the house and played with the other kids. Every night he would tell me how he loved my mom so much and feels like committing suicide cause he was so lonely there he was also very poor there. He always told me how happy he was whenever im there but he's still alive im right here right now. :)

God bless you all : )

Thank you Dreammmer.

Okay. have fun.

Fungirlmmm, you seem like an extremely sweet-hearted girl. I realize that my comment is coming far on the heels as it might have played out already, but I do want to say that I think you are a wonderful, sweet-hearted girl. Much love to you, sweetheart.

Wite, I missed you comment and my heart is breaking for you. No parent should put the strain of potential suicide on their child but at the same time it sounds like you were your father's saving grace. I wish I could hug you right now because i can only imagine the nightmares you had thinking that you might not have you father each time you went home to your mother's.<br />
<br />
thanks bonvie., I appreciate your caring and your comments. ((hugs)) In fact I saw my dad. He cooked me dinner.... haha fish sticks... carrot sticks... and chocolate pudding. it is just something stupid from my childhood but it made me laugh.

My father died before I was born in 1944. He died serving with the raf in ww2. I never had the chance to talk to my father, but one day in the future I will. Please take the chance.

heey there:)<br />
i lost my dad when I was six, I also have lost many people in my life, I know its<br />
not easy, I hate it when people say something about their dads and I feel really <br />
sad because I cant join in, well I though I couldnt, I now know to just join in and share<br />
my memories. <br />
I love memories, and to me as long as I have those memories, I know that my Dad is <br />
always going to be in my heart, and keeping a close eye on me.<br />
<br />
Dont think bad things, like wanting him back, change those thoughts into happy ones, and<br />
always smile at those memories, because I know he wouldnt want you to be sad over him!<br />
<br />
Keep Smiling! <br />
and message me if you want to talk because I know what it's like! :)

My father died on 14th February 2012 at 11.58pm..i kept looking at the clock thinking not valentines day...well not any day in fact.... he had prostate cancer, bowel cancer that spread to the lungs then eventually spread to the brain.. i am 38 and i feel like i can not go on i keep replaying that night over and over in my head believing that any minute now my dad will wake up and say to me and my brother, i have had a very long sleep and feel much better now and all will be ok..the truth was he was in great pain and he was on morphine so he was asleep all the time but i kept hoping he would just open his eyes for a minute so he knew we were there and to my delight he did for 2 minutes opened one eye with the other one half opened and just looked at myself and my brother we told how much we loved him and squeezed his hand so tight and stroked his face he was trying so very hard to say something but didn’t have the strength to but i no he would of said i love you. i cared for him in his last months but never thought he would actually die. i feel like i have lost a large part of me that i will never regain and don’t want anyone but my dad to repair it. he was absolutely everything to me i told him everything he gave me the best advice and he was always right about everything i now and no one else to talk to, my friends try so hard to get me out for a walk for fresh air but i feel like i don’t want anything but my dad and i too feel like screaming to everyone how can u all carry on like this!! i guess you always think that will never happen to me and when it does it is like someone has ripped your heart out and put a flame to it. today it is 1.38pm and i am still in bed with no interest in getting up or eating or talking to anyone just want my dad back, it is his funeral on Tuesday and i am going to see him for the last time on Monday. i am going to play a song that was one of our favorites and i have wrote a letter i will put in his jacket pocket. i am so sorry for everyones loss of their father on here it is unimaginable hurt and pain. a pain that i do not feel will ever go away just maybe learning to stride through life as if u are on a cloud.

Your dad would be loving you from above now mystyfie30 just think, no more pain for him and everlasting joy

I am so happy that things are looking on the good side for you and your family

If you cant do anything else, try using the network! Face book, mayby put an ad out there,twitter,skype,etc. Maybe ask some of his good friends that you know.

So happy good things have come from this and I continue to hope things become even better. So happy for you and you're family you have reconnected with. Many more good times ahead!

i lost my dad, and i know how it feels...don't dishearten yourself. daddy's always love their little daughters...<3

Fungirl you are one lucky lady, you will never know what it is like to not know your dad at all and you are indeed blessed to have a mum who loves and cares for you too. Treasure your parents luv and thank God for them every day.

sometimes a body has to get lost so they can once again find themselves.<br />
i am happy for you....<br />
love em' up because they aren't gonna be here forever.

You are so blessed and lucky! I'm so happy that you are talking to him. :) I hate my dad but I've always longed for that father daughter bond. I hope you two are still talking!

I know I am a couple of years off from when you posted but its good to hear that things went well. How are things now?

this brought me to happy tears....I hope things are still going well and you've been able to get even closer to your family since this was written. xo

its only been 7 weeks since my dad passed away and it is still so fresh in my mind i still get tears manly when i am alone i miss him so much i spent the week end with mum painting hiss bed room it was hard

my parents have been gone for 12 and 11 years now. there isn't a day that goes by, that i don't think of them.
for U, the time might pass slowly. the calender and your life will actually fly by.
what U do with that time, is up to you.
hang in there. U R not alone,

thanks for that this is my 1st death in the family that i have had to deal with and i had to do most of the arrangements ect so now i have the time to think and remember him it will get better in time i know thanks again

I cant bear this pain anymore, its hurting me more than anything. I cant have my dad back and couldn't keep positive attitude ,which is not possible practically. I want to give up my life for myself which gives me relief. But i cant do so my mom, she feels like am everything to her. I cant hurt her, but she doesn't know and cant understand my sufferings. But i promised I'll take good care of her and relieve her from hard times she is going through. I love u mom. And i hate u dad for leaving me alone. Its all your fault, you should have thought about me while u were leaving me. You left with no choice and way to get u back. But dad please come back for me......

Sorry for your pain

I am very glad that you got the chance to reconnect with your Dad and it worked out for you. Some of us dont have that second chance. Good luck

This story was so touching. I loved my Dad with all my heart. He meant so much to me. I have a blog dedicated to memories of him on my profile. Check it if you like. I'm going to put some finishing touches to it and then post it as a story on Father's Day. My Dad was the greatest man I've ever known. Thanks for such a sentimental piece. I'm so glad you reconciled.

Thank you for sharing that it should come with a tissue warning though, i found it very touching and so sweet of you to say that the music was playing and you asked for his hand for a dance ok my eyes are a faucet again just thinking about it. Thank you again you are so lucky!

I'm sorry dear.

its good to have family, I moved away after my last tour in Iraq. My brother was killed in Bagdad by an IED, I couldt face my mother after that. I was the one who came home on leave and talked him into inlisting in the infantry with me.

it wasn't your fault. I know that's likely not helpful but it is true.

Very nice..

What could I say to my Step son that could give him that same sorts of courage you had to have?

Well honestly the worst that could happen is rejection. If he is willing to let the past go then let him know that no matter what happens you will be there for him.

He is acid head now. Needs rehab but won\'t go

Sometimes honestly Be thy when someone chooses drugs over their lives then they have to hit rock bottom for themselves.

It\'s scary for husband who has not been able to deal

I hope this has worked out. If it's still an active problem, feel encouraged to write to me. I am pretty good at this type of thing

2 More Responses

My dad died

I am very happy for you. I miss my Dad very much as he passed away 6 years ago in June. I hope and pray that both you and your Dad keep up your relationship together.

I am very proud of you. I just wish I could contact my dad like that. Its good that you and your family are back together again. I hope and pray it stays that way for you. My dad passed in 91, but I still think of him everday.

i lost my father to cancer yes miss him dearly can i get an add

To know the depth and heart of you Jaycee, is beyond my priveledge and definitely my honor. We all need a father, the one we truly inside can "be" that frightened five year old that hasn't yet figured out life.. and it's all right. Life is not fair or just or even sane sometimes, that "why" its so important to have these crucial amazing people in our lives as our foundations. I wept tears reading your story. I felt, for a moment.. your pain. And now.. I celebrate your joy of re-uniting! Blessings & love...

I am so very happy for you! I wish I had done the same as you, then I would have been there when my Mother passed away.

How petty it all seems now, but in 1986 it was oh so real and hurtful. I did attempt to reconcile with the remainder of my family 14 years after the break-up, but as they say, you feel like a stranger within your own family, and no amount of contact will ever bring back those lost years. I left it too late. 27 years on there is no going back for me, but I am so happy that it worked out for you.

Stay happy x

My daddy just past away on 21st im so lost he was my best friend I dont think I can go on

I am so sorry for your loss

Relationships with family, can be very hard. To heal and rise above the past is seeking closure and shows a lot of maturity. It will never be "perfect" but at least it will be better.

I never got to know my dad I was 2 when my dad died of cancer

hes in good hands now i promise u

your father will always look at ur direction good and the bad times no matter how rough it might gotten and more to come but always remember u are his daughter he always look at the times that you spend together and many more to come your family might be cracked like a shell but sometimes people must look at the times yall spent together of any memories yall have spent as a family that what really heals the relationship of family it shows how much oneself cares and even they might not agree sometimes they just need to sit they ***** down and talk about it and stop acting like its everyman for themselves because nobody can live in pure solitude not even the pure evil brings living among us

good for you! It's so hard but it's so right... I know this is old but it fills me with positivity. Kudos for being strong enough to forgive.

We are still going strong. I saw him this week in fact. Things are a lot better than before.

It takes a lot on both sides to have any relationship. The fact that you let love overcome your differences, speaks volumes. And things will only get better & better with time. A daughter, should have a father in her life. I understand exactly how you feel coming from the other end. Love you Jaycee and admire your strength.