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I Really Want Him Back

I have attempted to write this story at least 2 to 3 dozen times since I added the experience to my profile but I always break down in tears and cannot finish it.  Tonight I have been tearful already because I have had a tough week at work and on top of that relationship misunderstandings can take a toll on anyone so while I am crying already I will write my story through to the end. 



I miss my dad more than I would miss my heart if it were ripped out of my chest and never returned. See my father is very much alive you see but I have not seen him or most of my family for a very long time.  They don’t live that far away either; only about 60 to 90 minutes but due to unfortunate circumstances and irreconcilable differences I haven’t seen them in a long time.  I miss my dad most of all.  He is a very good man and nothing he did caused this problem in the family. 



If I could go back and erase the last 5 years of life other than the very special friends I have made on EP and two other people I would give it all up to be able to go back to what I had previously.  Anyhow I am missing my dad tonight just like I do every night.


FUNGIRL UPDATE:  I am writing my dad a letter and I will be sending it next week.  I will be posting the letter here for all of you to read in honor of all you folks that took the time to post a comment for me and urging me to do this. I will also be coming back with updates to let you know how it goes.  Your outpouring of love, support, and genuine concern for me is overwhelming and I certainly do not deserve all this but I do want to thank each and every one of you that have posted to this story. Because of you I will take the action to repair the broken wheel and hopefully we will be riding smoothly soon.  I will let you know.




September 4, 2008

Dear Dad,

You’ve done your best to take care of me ever since I was a little. You tried to raise me with good values and a sense of right and wrong. You taught me everything you could (or at least everything I was willing to learn), and sent me out into the world with a bittersweet thought that your baby had grown up. Well, I’ll tell you what, I still haven’t grown up, but I am trying. It’s hard to be an adult, you know. Life can get so hectic and tiring. So many people give up on being good. It’s hard to watch that happen. I guess the one comfort is that there is always hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for better times. Hope for the things that last.

I do owe you-- more than I could ever pay. All the sacrifices you made and all the tears you cried were not a waste. I know you did your best for me. I need to tell you that I appreciate that. We both know neither of us was perfect. That doesn’t matter. Perfection is overrated. What matters is that you cared. You cared and you gave and you wanted everyone to be happy. More important still is that you never gave up. Sure, you lost a battle here and there, but you bravely won the war. You finished the race. You passed the test... with f*ckingly spectacular, flying colors.

So how do you thank someone like that? How do you give back to someone who has spent his entire life doing absolutely everything he could do for you? Honestly, I can’t answer that question. I can only hope and pray that God reminds me every day of what you went through for me. I can try and tell you how lucky I feel to have such a wonderful dad and I can work to give back to you a little of what you gave to me; the best gift of all, the gift of my dad's love. It’s been a long time coming, but I think I finally get it. Thank you, Dad. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One more thing; no matter what happens, Dad, I want you to know that I will always be your baby and that I do love you. I am forever “daddy's little girl” so please call me and we will talk things over because I am missing you tonight like I have every night for the last 5 years and it is time that we forget the past and move into the future. I am holding out my hand and the music is playing. If your feet can take it may I have this dance because I really am missing you?







UPDATE 4/30/2009:

I have my father and most of my family back in my life.  It has been a long journey to get  where we are and I won't say it is perfect, but I have my mom and dad eating dinner with me a couple of times so far plus we have gone shopping.  My mom has been planting flowers with me and loving me.  It is a special time in my life as I get to re-know these people.  Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes.  It is a long journey I have to get to my destination, but I feel like a burden was listed in this situation.  I love each and every one of you for all the thoughts and the comments that you have made to help me along this path.  I really do.  Okay now that I have tears in my eyes again I will stop before I break out crying.


fungirlmmm fungirlmmm 41-45, F 109 Responses May 22, 2008

Your Response


My heart aches for you free. If you need someone to chat with please PM me.

I just found this Jaycee and I am crying after reading it. I hope it works out and the other contact you made recently continues to work out. Love Kelly

Go while he is still alive.... don't wait like I did....tomorrow may not come for one of you......!pf

Thanks USAIR, I am trying... the letter causeda reaction from my brother but nothing from my dad so far. Another letter will be forthcoming.

thanks girl

FG,<br />
i don't know what problems are between your dad and your family, but if he isn't a child molester, or an abusive parent, than nothing could keep me away from my dad.<br />
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You see FG, my dad died when i was only 3 years old and I have cried my eyes out of my head almost every single night since i could remember! I didn't stop until i was almost 27 years old, LOL. Im now 51 yeas old and i still love and miss what could've been if I had my dad.<br />
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God Bless You and your love ones, please let the little things go and let God work out the big ones.

Poker, My dad loves me and he never touched me sexually in my life. I had a great childhood and he taught me a lot and I am today because of my father. Just too much happened and I can let it go but my family turned their back on me and I can't get the relationship back though I have tried.

I found your letter very powerful. "Life can get so hectic and tiring. So many people give up on being good. It’s hard to watch that happen." Beautiful.


That was a beautiful letter hun. I hope you were able to talk to him.

No sweetie I haven't.

Awww... I'm sorry to hear that hun :(

It's Okay! I live with it.

You shouldnt have to though. I understand people have their differences but still, shouldnt be any feelings between family so harsh you cant talk to one another. <br />
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Love ya hun. :)

I don't really know you, but I commend your bravery with all my heart. It's easier to let things go by without doing the hard work of fixing a relationship. We live in a world where everything is able to be thrown away, but there are things in life that are so sacred that the passage of time can't let us give them up. <br />
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My father and grandfather had a very tumultous relationship, and for years, my father didn't speak to him. The very weekend my father decided to reconcile with him, he was murdered by his caretakers, who divided up his wealth and worldly possesions for themselves, a senseless, vile act. <br />
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My father never got over it, but he turned his attention to my siblings and I and was the best father he could be. Even now, I consult my Papi for everything - I don't always agree with him, nor he with me, but we stick together and I couldn't be more blessed to have him and my mother in my life. <br />
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Give it time, be patient, but above all, open your heart and be ready to undertake the hard work it'll take to have a relationship with him again. It is all worth it in the end, because nothing is stronger than the power of forgiveness and love. Godspeed, amiga.

ty for your comments. Of all my stories, this is the one that can bring me to tears quickest. I love my dad and I miss him more than i would miss my heart. I do have good news about the letter however. My brother happened to read the letter that my father had left out when he was visiting. he found that what he thought was my choice to be away from the family was not true and this led him to send me a message at Christmas. I spent the Friday after New Years with my brother and his family. I saw my 2 yr old niece that I had not seen in her life. See I had contact with my nephew because he would sneak and call me when his parents didn't know (lol he is sneaky like me) but I played with those kids and gave them all the bigger presents I had bought them over the years and couldn't mail. We had a great evening filled with tears and love. I was so happy. I am actually going to stay with my brother and his family soon. All of this came about due to the simple letter I wrote above. i want to tell everyone that I still have hope that I will reconcile with my whole family and that bc of all of you supporting me I now have my brother back in my life. I still have hope that many of you will have this chance too.

Hey, one down...... You've got one on your side, the other will fall like dominoes in time. =) Have faith. A little bit ago, the situation was hopeless, but now you've got some more joy and love in your life. Here's to more.

TY all. I have talked a lot about this with you Rog so you understand more than most. l love you sweetie.<br />
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La, I am praying for that. My mom did leave me a message for Christmas. She bypassed my phone to go right to VM.

Your story brought tears to mine. I can relate and can understand how you must feel especially the part " I miss my dad more than I would miss my heart if it were ripped out of my chest and never returnd. " in my case I miss my mum, dad, brother and sister who is only 6. I will stop here coz this is about you.<br />
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Go girl and hope you sort things out. Iam praying for you.

Shemmy, Let me give you a little piece of my heart here as well. I have hurt so bad and wanted reconcilliation for so many years. My mom and dad have been coming to my home to eat dinner with me about once a week for the last two weeks. My dad took me appliance shopping recently. It is not perfect and in fact, is very hard for me, but I have them partially back in my life. There is hope my friend and I am praying for you now as well. Never give up hope.

Thanks BB. I am overall pretty happy considering all that has happened in my life. I appreciate you so much. I love you sweetie. Thanks for all you do for me. BTW I am going to be ini your neck of the woods later this year.

Thanks Rog. I think this is one of my saddest posts. It is peopllike you that kept pushing me forward. thanks sweetie.

Thanks Rog. I think this is one of my saddest posts. It is peopllike you that kept pushing me forward. thanks sweetie.

Good for you! I am 61 years old and the father I grew up with and yet never knew knows nothing about his first-born child, his first-born grand-child, or his first-born great grandchild. His choice. I tried letters and calls for years - none of which were ever received or acknowledged. He's 87 now - if he's even still alive. At some point, I finally figured out that the only way I could still honor him was to leave him alone in the world he clearly wants. He's more a stranger now than he ever was and I have certainly lived without him longer than I lived with him (I was 16 when I escaped his house and the malevolence he married when I was 3), but it now takes books and lots of prayer and patience while my heavenly Father undoes and redoes what my earthly father forfeited. I believe I won, however, because I ended up with Perfection who loves me perfectly as "Father to the fatherless..." If it has to be that way, to God be the glory. I wrote this to say that I am proud to have read your letter and your journey. It's a letter I wish I could have written and a story I wish I could have told, but since it won't happen that way, do me a favor and celebrate your dad as if he's a new gift you open every day of your life! Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to be his child once in a while.... Even God allows me to sit on His lap when I need to.

Yes, thanks for your comments. I know how hard that is however. I am still talking to them so wish me luck please.

What a great ending... may you and your Dad ans Mom have so many wonderful memories that your cup be over flowing with them. Life is short much shorter then we sometimes realize. I would wish you good luck but you have it already.

Thanks Faucon.

TJ's, It is amazing. Thanks for your comments. ((Hugs))

I miss my dad so much, it doesn't seem to get any better every day. My dad passed away about 7 months ago. Luckily my dad stayed with me for the last year of his life. Before that, there was a big family problem, which stopped me from visiting my parents. This lasted 16 years. After the 16 years both my dad and I have aged!!! My dad was an old man,with gray hair!!! I have wasted valuable time. I love him so much. I would lose anything of value to me in order to get him back. My heart aches and bleeds when I think of him.

hi i was sitting here reading you're letter with tears in my eyes ,that is beautiful that you took the first step in repairing you're relationship with you're family ,because with out you're family it gets very lonely imagine with out you're family especially you're mom and daddy my father and mom are decease my father and i very close and i never new my dad had this rare cancer but he had moved out of my mom's house i could'nt believe it ,i knew something was wrong they had been together for 47 yr's and you up and leave that woman something was'nt right, so one day when i got off of work .i call my oldest son and we went to my father's apt. and he was'nt looking right so i ask him what was wrong he told me nothing ,his head look like it had shrunk i start getting tears in my eyes i said to him i'll be here after work tomorrow and i did i said to him daddy i'm a call you're doctor and i told them the diagnoisis of what i saw they thought ,i was a nurse no i worked in a nursing home for like 10 yrs, @ that time ,i call the ambulance they took him to the hospital ,which was on a monday he died on a monday and was burried on a monday ,just that fast he was gone, that hurted so bad i could'nt believe my daddy was gone ,he had every thing in order ,see he did'nt want to be a burden on m,y mom ,but he would'nt of been i would of taken care of my daddy i loved that man ,he helped me raise my son @15 yr's old when i had my son ,he was hurt cause he had a future for me of going to college but he was their even after me disappointing him, then i lost my mom in 2001 day after xmas .but god can help you through anything and that's where my faith lye the bible say in all you're ways trust in me in all you're ways do not trust in man understanding ,but in all you're ways trust in me, and i'll keep you in my prayers ,see god love when you pray for other people. make peace with you're family god don't agree with you when you hold pride and ignorance he despise that ,that's in scripture. bless you and ,i pray that you all be bless and with the lord in it ,it will work ,more prayer ,more power .bless you and good luck ,let me know how it's going,,diane moss amen ,bless you all.