It Was My Fault.

If I hadnt rushed my dad by rage calling his cell phone and he wouldnt have speeded and died in a car crash. Its my fault and I live everyday being reminded that its my fault. I can't stand my mom anymore. And my siblings won't even look at me. Sometimes I think about commiting suicide just to join him. But if I left no one would care for my brothers and sisters.
Itdoesntgetbetter Itdoesntgetbetter
18-21, F
3 Responses May 5, 2012

I was mad at my dad when he past away and I said a few things to him that I shouldn't I wish I can take it all back, I was probably too young to think about what I said. I wish he was still here

I am in agreement with notmyself and please stop blaming yourself your dad was in a terrable accident but it was one of them things YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME! You are going through Greaving and you,your mother and siblings really need to go to see a councillor to help you all go through this terrable time and come out the other side as a group!

your thinking way too deep into that. theres no way those two have anything to do with each other. do you really think your dad raced home to see you after you blew up his phone? he's an adult. he was busy. to be honest he prob didnt even care that you were calling him. more of just an annoyance. think about when your family calls you non stop. you dont try to race home, you think "stop calling me". and not for nothing, people get in car accidents because they dont pay attention. you dont know what he was doing or what he was looking at or who hit who or really any of that. maybe he had a text, maybe he sneezed. theres no telling with something like that but killing yourself is so much worse. these are the scars people bear in life. you had to get them a little early but it happens. millions of people lose their parents every day and we all move on. no one has that great last moment and everyone can find something to blame themselves.<br />
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the one thing to remember is that you were doing what you always do. calling him repeatedly is your rountine. its one of many that makes up your familys over all routines. sooner or later, a few of these routines cause some problems; it comes with the territory. you cant deviate from the way you live because it may have been a factor in an inevitable tragedy. what you asked him to get milk and he was mugged? what if you got in a fight with him and he had a heart attack? are you supposed to never go out of the house again? are you never supposed to lose your temper at someone? no way. thats who we are and thats how we live our lives. we learn lessons, we learn to appreciate more, but over all, we are still the same people. <br />
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my dad died in january. i have a lot of regrets about everything that happened and i have honestly been a wreck but ill tell you 2 things about the night he died. 1. we had a fight and said some bad stuff. 2. an hour after he went to bed (died in his sleep), i went in the room to grab something and stubbed my toe. it made a loud noise and he didnt move. i went over to him and held my hand over him. i was about to shake him when i stopped myself because i didnt want to wake him up. i made the last words i said to my dad and the last words that he heard, the most hateful things i could say. whats more, i could have saved him. now ill tell you something else. out of all the things ive been feeling, i have never once felt bad about that stuff. i have never blamed myself and im really indifferent to how things could have turned out. im not sayingt that to make myself feel better either. im telling you i dont feel bad about that. you know why? because me and my dad argued. it was what we did. it made my relationship with him very real and we aklowleged what we didnt like in each other. additionally, i dont feel bad about not waking him. why would i? i thought he was sleeping and not for nothing if that was any other night, it wouldnt have mattered. that or i would have woke him and really pissed him off. what am i supposed to do now? learn from this? never lose my temper again? wake everyone up in the house a few times a night? no. he was asleep. your family and mine are going to live our lives the way we always do and if we have to face a few bumps, then thats whats going to happen. everything you do has some level of risk. you could burn the house down when you cook, you could fall down the stairs, you could choke on your food. you can change these things or face the risks. its not like you shot an apple off his head and missed. you didnt go out of your way to do something risky. the point is dont blame yourself for bad results that may follow from living your life. whats more,youll be a stronger person for this. your family needs you and you need them. you dont heal from a death, you just learn to make room