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Missing My Father So So Much.

I'm 27, and my dad died just over a month ago.

I'm devastated.

We were a small and VERY close family; me, my mom, and my pops. Some relatives a state away, and the rest is Europe. Now it's just me and my mom. I was living with my boyfriend of 4 years when he passed, and immediately moved home to be with my mother. My boyfriend is amazing throughout this entire process for both me and my mother, 100% here for us for everything, so I'm lucky to have him.

That stabbing pain, though. Everyday. Right in your chest. Its like, I'll accidentally think something along the lines of "oh, I should ask dad about... " then BOOM. Pain. I can't help it, he was the smartest man I've ever met and he always helped me with everything. My brain is quicker to want to talk to him than remembering hes gone, and its that lag that catches me and hurts so much. I'm not sure if this is maybe the "denial" stage? But whatever it is its feeling pretty permanent.

I was truly a daddy's girl. I loved him so much and he would have given me the world if i wanted. My apartment was only a 5 minute drive to my parent's house and I'd stop by 3-4 times a week. Sometimes only to grab my mail, sometimes i'd stay for coffee, sometimes playing 3-handed canasta. My mom talks about how he LOVED it when I'd hang out for a couple hours. ....If i had only known i was going to lose him so soon.. I would have come over everyday.

He was 55. He died a week shy of his birthday and a week and a day shy of fathers day. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. He had been taking vitamins everyday, especially selenium for the heart. He worked out everyday. He ate all healthy food (my mom is the healthiest cook around).

I am constantly thinking of how "unfair" this is. He was such a good man. When I get married he won't be here to walk me down the asile. He would have been an amazing grandfather, but my children will never get to meet him. It just hurts so much. I want him around so bad.

As much as i hurt for me, i hurt for my mom. They had just celebrated their 30th anniversary. They were the perfect couple. They did EVERYTHING together. So while I hurt, I still have my boyfriend for comfort, I can't even imagine how my mom feels. Her entire family is in Europe so the most contact and support they can offer is over the phone.

I know he is with God. In addition to being the smartest man I'd ever met he was also the most religious man I knew. While many use a death as a reason to move away from God, my mother and I have truly gone the other direction. I guess it's because we know he's ok now. No stresses from work or mortgages or anything. I know one day I'll see him again, but It's just that selfish feeling of wanting someone with you.

I just want my daddy back. I wasn't ready to face the rest of my life without him. This is honestly the worst thing I've ever been through and everyone keeps telling me that its gets better with time. I can't imagine that. The only thing time will bring is a longer periods of not having him. Nothing about that sounds better to me.

Well I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe since I cant really afford a therapist, I can at least vent it out to the internet. Although I don't feel any better. If anything I just cried throughout the entire writing of this.

If you read this, and you're religious. Please pray for me and my mother.
Kasia85 Kasia85 26-30, F 9 Responses Jul 1, 2012

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Reading your post is like writing about my situation! I'm 27 and lost my dad just over a month ago, a week before his birthday and a week and a bit before Father's Day. I'm so lost without him! He was a very religious man and his death has brought me closer to God. I miss him so much. He died from a cardiac arrest. He had heart problems for 22 years. :(

Its awful to lose a parent and after just one month its still so raw. My father died 41 years ago when I was 11. It took 10 years before I could live without feeling there was a huge empty hole inside me and feel whole again. We never lose our love for our parents who die, especially when it's sudden and far too soon like with your father. Although you will always mourn his loss you'll carry the deep love that you had for him and he for you for your entire life and that will make you stronger as time goes by.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I loss my father on June 11, 2011. He was 79 and died after about a year of poor health and three terrible months of pain and suffering. I miss him terribly. The past week or so it was just the numb, empty feeling. Today has been such a hard day. I don't think 30 minutes have gone by that I didn't think about him. I'm not sure what's worse - the numb, empty feeling or days like to day that he is just constantly in my thoughts. <br />
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I wish you lots of strength and compassion. I know I sometimes need it myself. I just felt like saying and wishing that to you. Reading your post, I knew exactly how you felt. Best of luck to you and your mom.

Ill pray for you. Im sorry for your loss. And thank you for the kind words

My condolences on your loss. My father died when I was 11 and I cried every night for a year and then let him go after that year so I could move on with my life. One month is a short time. You will have the memory of a man who loved you very much. He will live in you for your entire life. That is a wonderful gift. The extreme pain does go away but it takes more than a month. Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes to move on. Eventually the memory of his love will sustain you.

Thank you for your kind words. Im sorry you had to lose your father at such a young age. :(

Thank you guys for the kind words. I wish I could say I see improvement in my pain, but I don't. I took my mom to a widow support group today. I wish I could find a "losing a parent" support group. :/

People will tell you it will stop hurting so much and you probably won't believe how that could possibly happen. But it does, well in a way, you think more about the good things and learn to deal with the pain. People help, surround yourself with those you love and everything will be fine. I never believed good things could come from something so sad until they did. The sadness still comes but the happy memories stays it most of the time. I wish you and your family well.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. It is one of the hardest things to have to go through. I to was a daddy's girl and still am. The pain you feel will get better in time Just remember to grieve your Dad but, keep his memory a live in your heart, Which I am sure you will. I let the grief over take me when I lost my dad. It took close to 30 years to finely let go. Don't make this same mistake, your dad would not want you to. And, when you walk down the aisle with your future husband at you side Your dad will be with you. And, your children will know him from your memories and your Mom's. It's okay to cry and let it all out. Take it one day at a time, and it's okay to talk to him. I still talk with my dad, when I am driving in my car or just taking a time to reflect and need to talk to someone. I just talk to my dad, it does help. Don't think about what you should of done, there is no going back and changing things, His time on this earth was up and God called him home. Enjoy what you had and keep him alive in your heart. drop me a line if you need to just vent.

My deepest condolences to you and your mother. This was a beautiful tribute to your Dad. If it helps you to wrote down your thoughts to help you mourn, then go ahead and post stories here or in a journal. I unexpectedly lost my father four years ago. The ache in your heart never goes away however you will have some days that are going to be easier than others. I will pray for you and your mother in that he gives you both the strength to get through this most painful time in your life.

Thank you for the prayers and I'm sorry for your loss as well.