Missing My Father So So Much.I'm 27, and my dad died just over a month ago.
We were a small and VERY close family; me, my mom, and my pops. Some relatives a state away, and the rest is Europe. Now it's just me and my mom. I was living with my boyfriend of 4 years when he passed, and immediately moved home to be with my mother. My boyfriend is amazing throughout this entire process for both me and my mother, 100% here for us for everything, so I'm lucky to have him.
That stabbing pain, though. Everyday. Right in your chest. Its like, I'll accidentally think something along the lines of "oh, I should ask dad about... " then BOOM. Pain. I can't help it, he was the smartest man I've ever met and he always helped me with everything. My brain is quicker to want to talk to him than remembering hes gone, and its that lag that catches me and hurts so much. I'm not sure if this is maybe the "denial" stage? But whatever it is its feeling pretty permanent.
I was truly a daddy's girl. I loved him so much and he would have given me the world if i wanted. My apartment was only a 5 minute drive to my parent's house and I'd stop by 3-4 times a week. Sometimes only to grab my mail, sometimes i'd stay for coffee, sometimes playing 3-handed canasta. My mom talks about how he LOVED it when I'd hang out for a couple hours. ....If i had only known i was going to lose him so soon.. I would have come over everyday.
He was 55. He died a week shy of his birthday and a week and a day shy of fathers day. He died in his sleep from a heart attack. He had been taking vitamins everyday, especially selenium for the heart. He worked out everyday. He ate all healthy food (my mom is the healthiest cook around).
I am constantly thinking of how "unfair" this is. He was such a good man. When I get married he won't be here to walk me down the asile. He would have been an amazing grandfather, but my children will never get to meet him. It just hurts so much. I want him around so bad.
As much as i hurt for me, i hurt for my mom. They had just celebrated their 30th anniversary. They were the perfect couple. They did EVERYTHING together. So while I hurt, I still have my boyfriend for comfort, I can't even imagine how my mom feels. Her entire family is in Europe so the most contact and support they can offer is over the phone.
I know he is with God. In addition to being the smartest man I'd ever met he was also the most religious man I knew. While many use a death as a reason to move away from God, my mother and I have truly gone the other direction. I guess it's because we know he's ok now. No stresses from work or mortgages or anything. I know one day I'll see him again, but It's just that selfish feeling of wanting someone with you.
I just want my daddy back. I wasn't ready to face the rest of my life without him. This is honestly the worst thing I've ever been through and everyone keeps telling me that its gets better with time. I can't imagine that. The only thing time will bring is a longer periods of not having him. Nothing about that sounds better to me.
Well I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe since I cant really afford a therapist, I can at least vent it out to the internet. Although I don't feel any better. If anything I just cried throughout the entire writing of this.
If you read this, and you're religious. Please pray for me and my mother.
Kasia85 26-30, F 7 Responses 1 Jul 1, 2012