My Dad

My father was 63 years old when he passed away this past December. Even though he was sick for many years, the shock of his death is still very real. He was diagnosed with CLL (Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia) in 1988 and didn't actively become sick until October of 1992. He was sick for a short while and then went into remission. We did this every 3 years or so for about 14 years. Then last year he got very sick and couldn't seem to get this strength back. He just kept getting thinner and thinner. The chemo treatment they were using was a last resort and it really made him much more sick. They had to stop. Then the first day of October we were told he had also developed Pancreatic Cancer that had already spread to his Liver. At that stage there is nothing really that can be done. There is a type of chemo that can help to prolong life, but the shape he was in he couldn't handle it (although he did try, he was always a fighter). He only lived another 2 months and 2 weeks. He died on December 9th in his and my mother's home at around 5:08 pm with my mother, me, my brother, and my aunt (his sister) by his side. I just sat there. I didn't cry. I had cried so much since October grieving for the loss that was to come, that I almost felt peace when he died. I instantly felt like he was healed and dancing in heaven. I know that's good and he would not want to be here suffering, but the loss I feel is so heavy and dominant that it is in my mind everyday. I don't know how to stop this pressing down of pain in my heart. I have been sick ever since December with upper respiratory issues (bronchitis and sinus infections) and people are saying it is the grief and stress but I don't know how to stop that? I have been on 4 antibiotics and they haven't done ANY good. I just miss him so much, I can't believe he is gone. He was so sick and frail, at his death he weighed less than 100 lbs and he was 6'1. He was a very strong, proud man. He was a highway patrolman for 30 years and always took care of us all. I know it's only been a little over 4 months, but I just can't believe he's gone. I just hear him saying my name, playing with my daughter, talking to my mom, just that way he was. I miss it and I'll never have any of it again.

loribethNC loribethNC
31-35, F
1 Response Apr 22, 2007

i can understand your feeling, i lost my dad to cancer in 1978. He had cancer of the adrenal gland .my prayers go out to you and your family. time will heal all tose in need<br />
your friend lildundas12