Miss Him Alot!

dunno why am i writing this but i really feel like it! my dad passed away 5 months ago (11th dec 06) juss b4 i turn 18 and it kills me everyday to wake up knowing that the person that i truely luved n proud of is not there for me, what hurts is that i'm studying overseas and i didnt know that he died, my mom called me she told me 2 come back because she can afford to buy a ticket, i really didnt suspect anything my dad was really fine and healthy nothing was wrong with him! and she told me that me coming will be a surprise for the family.. but when i came back i saw all my family in the airport and i really fet that sumthin was wrong from their looks! they just took me to the car and told me (man, your father passed away) .. i was speechless, i didnt know how to react i just sat down there with complete silence! i still cant believe it.. i feel like sumthin is missing now in my life, its like i'm not protected anymore or i'm not like the other guyz i know, i feel like crap everytime i saw one of my friends' fathers and i go bk home n sit in my room and juss cry! i wanna kill myself but i know it wont make a difference! i wanna do alot of things but whats the point when they wont bring dad back?! till this day i cry and cry over him cuz i really didnt get the right chance to show him how much iam proud of him! how much i luv him and i got everything i have today from him! how much people tell me that i'm lucky to have him (gosh those people had no idea!).

i went back to continue my studies in newzealand, i'm in my first year away from my family which also adds up weight on me, i know that its hard for mom n sisterz 2 get over this thing more than me and guess what? i cant do anythin about it cuz i'm here! i just get more sad everytime i think about it, evrytime i see a happy family i put my head down n walk away repeating in my mind: once i had all this, now its incomplete! ahahaha and i'm crying now again!

i miss him i really do, but i'm alo mad at him, all this smoking and drinking killed him in an innocent moment with a heartattack! i was there for the 17 years watching him smoking n drinking telling him its bad dad dun do it! he refused 2 listen (he's a father, fatherz thinks they're always right sumhow!!) n he didnt realized that his damned cigarretes killed us all not only him.. now i have to take care of myself, my studies, my inner feelingz, my family, my courieer and my whole personality as me all bymyself, now i have to convince myself that i have to be good alone! now i have to tell all my friends that i'm fine and i'm pretty okay so they wont feel bad for me and cry like hell when they're not there n breakdown slowly when no1 is looking! sumtimes i really get surprised at myself how am i laughing and talking with people just like i'm the perfect guy they'd ever meet but when they start talkin about families and fatherz i just backoff! thank god i'm still keeping my faith in life and in everytime i used to believe in cuz if not i would be sumwhere dealing with drugz n all the craps! 

now all i have to remember dad is some photos, his favourite songs and a jacket of mine he wore when he came to visit me here in newzealand.. i dont wanna live like this trying 2 remember sum1 with sum thingz,i really want him around! if only i knew what would happen i would try harder n get closer and closer to him! but what can we do? sometimes some1 comes and ask: can i help you ? you'd directly think of: yea get my dad back! but its just a hopeless desire! whats gone is gone and we're here today living our lifes in present with expectations of the future n some memories from the past.. i miss him i swear i do i can go on all day long n talk how Awesome and kool he was! how he gave me all his bright ideas and funny jokes to carry on, but it'll just make me feel worse. they say memories make you stronger with time,, but i cant see it comin! all those feelingz i used to feel i cant feel them anymore! i started loosing my nerves quicker, i dun eat like b4, i dun taste the joy of success of anything like before! i started crying all day like kidz while i've never done it before. 

if i had one more chance 2 talk with my father i would tell him: i luv u dad, without you i'm lost! you've done a great job in me you've made me realize how to enjoy my own life and you made me a good man that every1 is proud of just like you! i wanna be like you when i grow up and i wanna see you looking at me with those proud eyes and telling all your friends about me and about my bright future! why did u have to go now?! why didnt u listen when u had the chance to? but still i dun blame you i blame life i guess its cruel sumtimez, all of us will die one day so we'll meet again i hope! i'l never forget u dad i swear i wont, you'll always be around..   

Dex Dex
18-21, M
2 Responses May 5, 2007

I can relate with you hun...It hurts..I miss my father too..Nothing like a great dad..

i know how u feel i just buried my dad a week ago today iam up thinking how much i miss him i was there when he passed but i miss him so much wish i could tell him one more time i love ya