I Am Writing This In Hopes That It Helps Some Of You...

So first off I have read a bunch of these stories and feel for all of you who lost someone you love. The pain never really goes away, always a feeling of being a little bit empty. The goal is not to forget but to learn how to cope with the issue at hand. My father passed away in 1985 - I have just recently learned how to cope.

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at my Grandma's house waiting for my dad to get back from an archery tournament in Toronto. He won a gold and bronze and this qualified him to compete on the Canadian Olympic team for archery. My Mom and Grandma tell me that he was excited to come home. They told him to spend the night but he was stubborn and wouldn't. Just west of London in Dutton he fell asleep behind the wheel without having his seat belt on. He was thrown out of the car after having his chest crushed by the steering wheel. The police found him dead on the scene. I don't remember what time it was but it was early morning when an OPP officer came to my Grandma's apartment to tell us that my father died. I was in the other room and thought it was my Dad. :( I heard a awful scream, one that I will never forget. It was my Mom who collapsed after the cop told her what happened. I was 7... I new it was something bad but was so confused. We stayed at my Grandma's until after the funeral and then went home. My Mom had to raise three children as a single parent and she is much stronger than I will ever be.

So that's the ****** story which ruled and almost ruined my life. Always running from something. Always ****** up on drugs or alcohol trying to forget. Trying to get away from this demon that haunts me. I have thought about hurting myself in the past. It is embarrassing to say - but I feel that if I am completely honest maybe just maybe it will help someone else, and that is something that my father would be proud of. I was never close to anyone. When I felt like I was getting close to someone I would sprint as fast as I could in the other direction. I am still terrified of losing people. I am afraid of losing friends, family, girlfriends. I am 34 now and I have learned somewhat to accept my situation. I am often sad. I miss my Dad a lot. The few memories I have I cling to. Even though I don't have that many, he was a extraordinary man. He was caring and strong. He was intelligent and strategic. Truly, the world lost an unbelievable person that day.

So the advice part. Crying helps I can tell you that. It is like a natural way to relieve stress. As I said prior, the pain never really goes away. You will always be sad, and that's OK. I have been to a shrink and she said that it is natural to be sad, even if it has been 27 years. (Wow......) I will always miss you Pop, and I will never forget the time we got to spend with each other. A part of me died with you that day, a part that I cannot get back no matter how hard I try. Talk to people. Whoever will listen because that helps a lot. Remember the time you had with the loved one you lost. The negative energy is required to be purged out of you in a positive way, crying and talking are useful methods to accomplish this. All the booze and drugs in the world with NOT help you. It is a distraction that will only either A) Kill you, or B) Put you down a path that is a massive waste of time. I am a fairly intelligent person. I could of amounted to much more in my life if I would have not got so ****** up in my earlier years. It's never too late and I know this. Everyone likes to party as a young adult, and I would be naive to think that younger people are going to stay away from that part of growing up. But I will say this, if you are getting ****** up to forget like I did - don't. I barely drink anymore. I don't use any drugs. Guess what? I feel a thousand times better. All the wasted time being hungover could of been avoided and spent doing more productive things with my life. I am no longer depressed which is a huge difference from being sad. It took a hell of a long time to get to this point. I am blessed to be alive. I will always miss him, and I am finally OK with that.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to contact me through this venue. Remember them because I think they are watching over us. And you will get to see them again. Take care.
wmc3 wmc3
31-35, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Thanks. I guess I was full of anger. I still feel like I was robbed, but at least I am not angry, or more important, self destructive any longer. I appreciate your comment.