Living Without My Dad

When you have that one person who is always there for you and giving you advice and is constantly looking out for you every day is really nice and gives you a feeling of warmness, comfort and wanted and important because you feel protected. But when that one person is taken from you and you can't do anything to get him back because it's out of your hands and left for destiny and faith to handle, it takes away that feeling of protection and sureness that you once had. You wind lost and confused and trying to find that one thing or person that allows you to feel that protection again because its what you always had and what you always wanted. I'd be lying if i said i was ok or fine or getting better, because every time you think things are going ok something else comes along and I'm the one in the middle tossed around like a puppet because I can't do anything to help. I miss my dad so much. He was my dad, my friend, my teammate, he was my family. Everyday I get up, I try to remember what it was like before the whole case; I look at pictures of years ago and I see the happiness back there and I wonder if I'll ever be able to smile that joyous, happy, and energizing smile that I once had. It all seemed so easy so happy and then I don't know what happened that turned it all upside down and that 2008 problem happened. I can't really remember the last time I didn't cry for a whole week. I don't like to cry but I also can't not cry. But when I cry, I get feelings that I have gotten used to which is why I try to talk to people but sometimes it just doesn't change my feelings. I always remain feeling weak, vulnerable, defenseless, unprotected, angry, sad, alone, and different from everyone else. It's like my destiny was to be suffering for an eternity. Lately, I've had to go through the murder of my cousin, and now my little brother is in the hospital. I can't seem to catch a break. I just wish that those feelings of protection and comfort and strength that I had with my father, I wish I could once again feel them because those type of feelings are what everyone needs and seemingly everyone has except me and I always wonder why. He was one of the two most important people in my life, and now with him away my life doesn't feel quite complete. Sometimes I wonder how I will be able to handle the moment when God takes them to his side and I have come to a conclusion that for a while I will be broken but that with time I accept it because it was God's will. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the united and happy family I once had and I yearn for the day that I will have that again. I just hope that these emotions and insecurities don't make me push away those close to me who are trying to make me strong during this time because they actually care and love me. I haven't hope yet because that very much wanted united and happy and strong family will be mines again, I just hope its not too late for me.
djmkt2 djmkt2
13-15, F
1 Response Jan 12, 2013

I can relate to you i just recently lost my dad two days after this last christmas.Dad and i were close sinces moms death and enjoyed him.After my step moms death dad decided to go to asisted liveing and sold his house.I visited every week and did fun things with him.Then in augest of last year he found out he had lung cancer aventually he needed oxagen.To watch a strong man that u depended on become week and fraile dependant on me.I was happy to help him.When the nurse called for my husband and i to come there dad was dyi8ng.I felt alone so prayed to God that dad would go in peace and not suffer.We said our byes to him as i lay next to hi8m holding him.He asked when i go what will happen to you.Told him dad i will be fine i have God in my life and my supports.He closed his eyes i knew he was gone.I have wounderfull memories of him and mom miss them both

yes, it is very hard to deal with family deaths especially people so close to you. i completely i understand because like i had said i just lost a cousin very close to me and it hurt really hard. i'm the type of person to smile and laugh and show fun and happiness when in reality i don't always feel as happy as i look. your family is in my prayers and remember to keep your chin up because i know that those loved ones that we are not with would want to see us strong and capable to get through anything.