Missing Dad

It's been 16 long and hard years since my dad killed himself. I still have so many emotions when I think of him. Anger, love, confusion and sadness. I often wonder what was so wrong in his life to make him want to leave it and to leave me? I have never been the same since he did it.
keenan8 keenan8
31-35, F
2 Responses Jun 23, 2007

You dad was suffering from a deep depression. It has nothing to do with his love for you or wanting to leave you. Once you realize that it wasn't personal but a serious mental illness it helps in the healing process. <br />
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I'm sad for your loss. Understandably it must be very difficult. The guilt, but it wasn't your fault or anyone's fault. I'm sure he struggled with this illness for a long time. I just hope you can somehow forgive him for leaving you; for not being there for you. He didn't mean to hurt you intentionally, he was very much in pain himself. <br />
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I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to help you understand this tragedy and that in no way are you responsible or could you have done anything. He needed professional help that perhaps was not there sixteen years ago, or he may have been too ashamed to get help; or perhaps he didn't know how. There are a million possibilities. None of which we will ever know the answer. Depression is like an evil demon. <br />
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I'm sorry for you loss. I really am. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will be able to get past this someday and be at peace. I wish you healing in your heart.

I am sorry babe, I can't even pretend to know where you are coming from. All I can say is that I am there when you need me. Having a friend that you can count on is important I think. So if you need to lean on a shoulder I am there.