My whole life i have always had a close relationship with ALL of my family members. But ever since my dad has passed away my family doesn't seem close anymore. Like when we have Thanksgiving or Christmas parties i feel it is a chore for everyone to show up and come together. but when my dad was alive family gatherings seemed naturally magnetic. Like we all couldn't wait to show up and be together. So unless there is some sort of explanation to this i continue to think that my dad was the glue holding everyone together, or that his death was in some sense was the death of the family bond.
It will be 4 years since my dad passed away next year back on February 12, 2011. About two weeks before my 14th birthday and a month after my sisters 1st birthday. The day of his death we had planed to go to the movies together. (I lived with my mom while my brother and sister lived with my dad because of there divorce. I saw my dad every other weekend.) But before we were going to the movies he went motorcycle riding with his nephew and cousin. They had been riding for maybe a hour to two when my dad told them that he was tired so he went back to his truck. His cousin and nephew decided that they were done so they made there way back to the truck to find my dad in the drivers seat. they thought he was sleeping so his cousin shook him to wake him but he never woke up. once they knew he was dead my dads cousin or nephew pulled my dad in the back seat and gave him CPR while the other called for a ambulance to meet them driving on the road but he was already gone.
While this was happening i had called my dad a few times but he didn't answer which i was thinking that he was still riding his motorcycles until it was getting late enough to were i thought he must have forgotten.(In my head at the time i was actually so worried that something bad had happened. My dad never forgot about us doing anything. His kids are his joy.)
So around 9pm that night i was on the computer with my moms phone plugged into the charger next to me when i saw on my moms phone that my dads phone was calling. So i answer jokingly saying "it about time" when my dads nephew was on the phone saying Bryce can i talk to you mom and i said why whats wrong, then he repeated to let him talk to my mom. So i walked into the living room to my mom and step dad on the couch when i handed my mom her phone saying Jake is calling from dads phone. My mom sat there listening for a couple of seconds when her and my step dad left the living room and moved to another room while i just sat there. I don't know how i knew but i instantly started crying. When my mom came in she had been bawling i asked her what happened and she said my dad had died. me and my mom and step dad sat on the couch and cried. It was the worst day of my life.
Ever since that day my family doesn't seem the same. Like we all lost a piece of our heart. There's not a day that goes by that i don't miss him completely.
Now almost 4 years later im 17 and i dont find life for me being more happy than unhappy. In the last 2 years my mom has become a alcoholic and i worry about her ridiculously. She is the best mom i could ask for sober during the day but right when she has the first one down shes a different person. An angry immature person. No madder how many times i tell her how i feel its either im sorry or an argument. She drives drunk and threatens her life and others. Almost everyday i think about suicide and how i could see my dad again and be happy but I don't want my family to go thew the that. But if my mom was also gone i don't know if even that would be enough to stop me.
"I will see you again, this is not where it ends, I will carry you with me, til' I see you again" - Carrie Underwood
armchairlama9 armchairlama9
18-21, M
1 Response Aug 16, 2014

Mate I am so sorry for what you're feeling.
It's never good to lose anyone close to you. And it doesn't get much closer than your dad!
Families are very different now.
Back when you and your cousins were born, I expect families were much closer. Brothers and sisters in contact with each other. Cousins meeting up for the holidays if not more regular.
When you're fairly tight, all's well and everybody gets on.
But if you lose someone you're really close to. It just rips the heart and soul from those around them.
Now you're all older and have perspective on life's events. But it still hurts.
What's the deal with moms problem? Is that as a result of the same loss or is it something different?
What do you think about doing something to celebrate your dad?
Maybe something private that you could do. Or. If you're up for it. A massive family and friends get together?!
Something where family and friends could gather. Tell stories about your dad. Things perhaps you never knew?
Might take a bit of organising. And we're not too far from the silly season so some may be busy and unable to attend.
But if you gave folk a good deal of notice. Maybe organised a picnic or barbecue....
What do you think???