I Miss My Dad, Even Though...

 I love my father, and I know he loves me - and I don't want to let him down, I want to make my dad proud since I never saw much of him growing up; my him and my mother seperated when I was very young. I have really taken the opportunity to spend more time with him since I have gotten a car and grown old enough to have my own rented place. And I love the man I have found. I lie in bed some nights crying when I think of how said my father must have been, not being able to see my brother and I. 

He admits to having cried so many nights - struggling to scrape up enough money to both pay Child-support and get by, while never getting to see us...My mother was so harsh on him - never ever really even trying to be civil with him. Dad always tried to be friendly, sometimes with horrid results. 

Now I've moved back down to the town near where I was raised with my Mum, and I miss him so much. I think about how much better about myself he makes me feel. He always respected what I had to say and I just damn wish I could make those years where he had such a rough run with my Mother ruling his life dissapear. He didn't deserve that - no-one does. 

He is such a good man, so friendly and down to earth - always doing his very best to make everyone happy. He is one of the few reasons I still live I think. But I'm so saddened by the fact that not everyone will know the great man he is. He won't have a biography written on him; he doesn't get to have millions mourn his passing on live TV. His memory will only live on in the hearts of those who were close and knew him. This is a momumentally saddening fact. So many miss out on sharing the happiness I felt around him. I can only hope that others appreciate their fathers as I do my own. 

I keep on imagining my father sitting there next to me in the cinema, during the opening credits of a movie I directed sometime in the future - and turning to see the pride in his eyes as it comes on screen "Dedicated to my Loving Father."

I feel like I'm letting him down when I'm not writing or using my time to be creative - but I get so lethargic sometimes and numb. I have to listen to music to stimuilate my emotions so I can get things off my chest like just now. I havn't cried so hard as just now while writing this. I literally just held my face while uncontrollable sobs gripped me halfway through. I can't even begin to describe how alone I feel.  

 

Maul Maul
18-21, M
1 Response Mar 7, 2009

Maul, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry you lost your father and I am so sorry you feel alone...