Losing Him Is Causing Me To Lose Myself.

My father was a challenging man, to say the least. He suffered from both antisocial and bipolar disorder.He had heart problems, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, psoriasis, arthritis and anger issues. He was manipulative and controlling, yet loved my twin sister and I above anything else in the world. He "needed" us, he depended on us. It got to the point where we could no longer live in the same house as him and I moved out first. A few months later, my sister moved into her new home with her fiance. Not even a month after she moved out, our father had a heart attack and passed away.

Even though my father was difficult, he was always honest. I knew what he thought about everything. I could talk to him about anything and always expect the honest answer. I miss the honesty, it is such a simple trait but very difficult to find in a person. I miss his reasoning. As crazy as he seemed, every theory he had always seemed to make sense. During the holidays, I wrote down all the things I remembered him saying that I try to live my life by. Quotes I will always remember. They are crude, but once you look past the crudeness, you realize there is a lot of logic in them.

Keith Bailey Quotes:

"Do not believe what others tell you. You can not trust them. Do research and make an informed decision."

"You don't owe anybody anything."

"Love is actually missing someone when they are not around."

"Find a faith that you actually believe with all your heart. If you don't believe it, it will do nothing for you."

"Choose your first wisely because you will always wonder ' what if  ' when it does not work out."

Keith Bailey passed away April 8, 2009 of a heart attack. My sister and I became the executrices of his estate. It was always the three of us. People have said that everyone becomes a saint when they die. Untrue, I will never forget the hell he put us through. My sister and I were expected to, basically, raise our father. We cooked, cleaned and helped with his work from the time we were 12 on. Our grandmother helped to raise us and our little family somehow got by. Grandma developed Alzheimer's and was put into a nursing home about 6 months before Daddy died. She was his best friend and vice verse. When he died, she progressed very quickly and passed away recently.

I am having a very difficult time getting over my father's death. Its been almost a year now and everyday I pray to God that I can reconcile. My sister's wedding is coming up in 3 months and he is not going to be there to walk her down the isle. I miss the honesty, the advice and the traditions. Although he was my biggest critic, he was my Daddy. At 22, it seems strange to be dealing with all of this. My father used to be a buffer for me. I knew how to handle his criticism. Now, his two sisters want to tell me how to live my life. I have been taking care of myself for as long as I can remember so this is unbelievably frustrating. My buffer is gone. He was also the only person who my sister ever listened to. She is a lot like him. I just miss him more and more. People keep telling me that it will get better, but it does not. I never realized I was semi dependent on him. I just thank God every day that my dad made me strong enough to handle the obstacles that keep getting thrown at me. Since his death they seem to keep getting bigger and bigger. I am afraid that I might lose my positive outlook on life. I am afraid I am going to lose me. I try to be honest with people as I always have, but my honesty has not been helping. I feel myself annoying the people closest to me and pushing everyone away. I never used to be this secluded. All the challenges are making me a different person, I just hope its a person I want to be.

b14rynney b14rynney
22-25, F
Feb 27, 2010