I Love You Forever .

i Can remember being really close to my father up until the age of 10 . We used to spent lost of time together but all of a sudden he started to direct his anger towards me. I respected him and never was willing to amswer him back . Around the age of 12 i realized that he had started to change and was never home . My Mother was always working to feed us and buy us the things we needed, and i would leave the house to spend he day with my bestfriend that lived down the block Everyday. i remember i Would come home late , And just go to sleep . i Was completely unaware of anything that happened in my house during the day. i have a younger brother who at the time was 10 and he never wanted to leave the house , he stayed in all day and played his video games until it was about time my mother got home , and he would hug her , then go to sleep. A year later , our house was taken and we had 30 days to get out of the house. i Moved to the next city , but still continued to go see my friend constantly, my friend went on vacation for about 3 months and my father didnt let me go with her , so i was stuck at home.. during my time at home i would always be alone. i would clean the apartment or the windows or anything to keep me busy , i decided to knock on my brothers door and try to get to know him more, we would talk but had never had a real conversation about ourselves. i started to play videogames with my younger brother , and i realized all the things that happened in my house while i was gone. my mother would come home and make food for us, and do laundry and clean. i noticed that my mom was always crying and decided to know why.. my father would come home and yell insulting things at my mother about all the things she did at home. i never understood why nothing we did was ever good enough. I Would take my bestfriend, who faced the same situation at her house everywhere i went. we were always together, and that just gave my father more things to insult me about calling me a "lesbian" . It got to a point that i couldnt take seeing my mother cry , he never physically hurt us , but i knew it was emotional abuse. i decided to confront my father about all the things he told me , and instead of having a calm conversation, i got the same insults and i was called a "****" and various other things for no reason. my father would scream at us because of the food we made, and i always questioned my mom about always eating top ramen for dinner or rice or just beans, but i then realized that was mostley all we had. I trusted my dad so i would ask him to buy us food and he would just ignore me. At about 9 O'Clock my father woud dissapear and wouldnt come back . none of my family believed what was going on and said my mother and me were crazy. i tried to ignore what happened in my house for along time until i confronted my mom about getting a divorce. It was none of my buisness but i knew something should have been said to her. we Moved out of my fathers apartment and after acouple of moths moved to an apartment where whe could finally have our own things, and no one would insult us for being ourselves.i didnt hear from my dad until about January ,2012 Because he wouldnt return my calls , when he finally did i Didnt even recognize him. He had became a religious cristian , a vegetarian , and was the man that opened the church . i Tried not to spent time with him because he would constantly tell me he wanted everyone to believe he was a good guy , and we exaggerated everything. June 6th i recieved a call from my grandmother , she didnt want to tell me but told my mother instead. i went outside and found my mom crying, she told me my father had had a heart attack and had passed away. It was very hard on me and also on my brother .. at the Open Casket We felt NO unwelcomed. my aunts told me my mom was not aloud to see my dad , and neither was i . just my brother. I spent about an hour outside of the place until i finally got my mom and brother nd went in to see him. i was determined to see him one last time . i realized my father had gone to go visit everyone but me, and it just made me hate myself even more. my aunts told me they would give me my fathers ashes when they were ready , and told me they would call sunday. On Sunday i went to my fathers church because i had made a promise to him i would go atleast once, and i was unwelcome. i called up my aunt and she told me she would never let me have my fathers ashes , and they were to be thrown on a mountain of her choice. to this day it has been 8 months 8 days since he passed . and i have not yet seen my fathers ashes . i find myself crying and Missing a couple days of school a week/ month because i feel like this has all been my fault. of course , i mean everything except my fathers death . i feel Alone And Guilty for all of this.