What Could Be Worse Than Losing A Loved One? Try This And You Will Know.

Lisa was the most wonderful person in my life. She was kind, caring, fun, smart, and much much more. We shared many interests, beliefs, and views. I loved her so much; I thought I finally found the woman that I was going to live the rest of my life with. Things started to get serious between us, and I the absolute happiest man in the world. She felt the same way about me; I know this because she told me many times. After we decided to live together, I was excited and looking forward to everything with her. I was going to propose to her in a few months, and marry her sometime next year. I would have gone through hell just hold her hand for one second. I was in Minnesota; she was in Colorado over a thousand miles away. I had no way to get to her, I am so angry with myself; I should have been there by her side. She was diagnosed with blood cancer and it wasn't anywhere near the early stages (6-14-2012). I felt bad but I had hope that she would make it. The next day she told me that she was going to get the chemo through an automatic pump so that she could be home. We said we loved each other and couldn't wait to see/talk with each other again. Little did I know, she had written a letter to her friend to contact me in case she couldn't go home. Her friend contacts me, and tells me that she had a rare allergic reaction to the chemo (6-15-2012). She told me that she had no brain activity. The next day I was told she had died (6-16-2012), I was and still am devastated. Not only did the woman I love die, but I was over a thousand miles away during the whole thing and completely helpless. I wasn't even able to hold and hug her, or even say goodbye. I have been so depressed I have contemplated suicide over and over. Her last wish in her letter was for me to follow my dreams, which was the only thing that kept me from going through with it. Losing a girlfriend or wife to the angel of death is hard enough, but not being there or even told where she is going to be buried is so much harder. People always say “don’t cry when I’m gone, but instead celebrate my life" that is much easier said than done. I am left here with many feelings. I feel empty inside, angry at myself for being so helpless and far away, sorrow knowing that I will never get to spend another second with her, pain of losing her so early and right at the start of our beginning, lost because she was everything to me and now she’s gone, alone even though family is trying to help. Only three members of my family have even -tried to help, none of my friends have said a word. I am so depressed I haven't eaten or drank anything since Friday. I have lost my will to live, yet I can’t end it because it’s not what she wanted. So it seems I shall suffer.
masta873 masta873
22-25, M
3 Responses Jun 17, 2012

I didn't get to say goodbye to the love of my life neither. Know the feeling. And I've come to realize that sharing or getting advices simply won't help.

I wrote this three years ago, definitely took me by surprise when I got a new response notification in my email. And yes, I agree. The people I told, felt bad bu could not really help me. The advice that I received, as well intended as it was, either irritated me or just did not help. Three years have past, and I still have not gotten 'over it'. Think about her, what we've been through, and what happened a lot. On the anniversary of that week, it all becomes to much, again. All I can tell you, is that if he meant as much to you as she meant to me. The pain will not go away, you will have issues you need to work through when you are ready. Especially dealing with the fact that we feel we should have been there to at least say good bye, it eats me up still. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you need to talk or vent about what happened and what you not only miss and enjoy remembering, but what you regret. Feel free to message me.

Wow. I know just where you are right now. Sending a HUGH, long bear hug to you so you know you are not alone in your suffering. Lost the love of my life after 6 days. A traumatic thing has happened, a cherished love has been ripped from your life, you're traumatized and that is to be expected. I was with my loved one when he passed, and while it was terrible and beautiful at the same time, it is difficult to think about but always at the ready as a flashback whenever my mind sees fit. <br />
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Please give yourself time, don't push yourself. I have days like you describe; today is one of them and what brought me to this site and to your post. After a little while I got back into the world reluctantly, begrudgingly and thought I could possibly hurry the process of joining my loved one by behaving uncharacteristically reckless in general. Didn't work and got me in a lot of trouble/brought more heartache/trauma, so I wouldn't recommend that course of action. <br />
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As insane as this seems now, life and love do go on. Not the same life and love, but there is more life and love for you to give/live. If you can't fathom that today, this week or month, that's OK, do what feels right for you and don't rush yourself. Look for signs; he sends me some through nature and words. That's no replacement for having them here, now, with you, living life, but I swear it is true - look and listen when you can. I don't know the strength of you faith, but I go on because it is the only way I believe I will ever hear his voice "in person", to converse with him again. Know that you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers. Please love/be good to yourself now and keep the faith because despite how you legitimately feel right now in life, you are NOT alone!

You know she wouldn't want you to do that. <br />
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Man up, friend, shake it off, look around and find a world of people like us walking around, pretending to be whole while they involuntarily finger the edges of the great chunk taken out of their lives.<br />
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Believe in the afterlife, that you will see her there and bring joyful stories of beautiful rivers and valleys you have seen, of great works you have done -- and yes, of good women you have met. <br />
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She will be happy that you did these things for her.

I would take strong exception to the advice to "man up, shake it off". Instead, I would say, embrace your pain, never let it fade. And belief in the afterlife just makes it that much more inviting to go and join her there.

Speaking from my own experience, the rivers and valleys lost their beauty, and the world lost its allure once my wife passed from it.