What Could Be Worse Than Losing A Loved One? Try This And You Will Know.
Lisa was the most wonderful person in my life. She was kind, caring, fun, smart, and much much more. We shared many interests, beliefs, and views. I loved her so much; I thought I finally found the woman that I was going to live the rest of my life with. Things started to get serious between us, and I the absolute happiest man in the world. She felt the same way about me; I know this because she told me many times. After we decided to live together, I was excited and looking forward to everything with her. I was going to propose to her in a few months, and marry her sometime next year. I would have gone through hell just hold her hand for one second. I was in Minnesota; she was in Colorado over a thousand miles away. I had no way to get to her, I am so angry with myself; I should have been there by her side. She was diagnosed with blood cancer and it wasn't anywhere near the early stages (6-14-2012). I felt bad but I had hope that she would make it. The next day she told me that she was going to get the chemo through an automatic pump so that she could be home. We said we loved each other and couldn't wait to see/talk with each other again. Little did I know, she had written a letter to her friend to contact me in case she couldn't go home. Her friend contacts me, and tells me that she had a rare allergic reaction to the chemo (6-15-2012). She told me that she had no brain activity. The next day I was told she had died (6-16-2012), I was and still am devastated. Not only did the woman I love die, but I was over a thousand miles away during the whole thing and completely helpless. I wasn't even able to hold and hug her, or even say goodbye. I have been so depressed I have contemplated suicide over and over. Her last wish in her letter was for me to follow my dreams, which was the only thing that kept me from going through with it. Losing a girlfriend or wife to the angel of death is hard enough, but not being there or even told where she is going to be buried is so much harder. People always say “don’t cry when I’m gone, but instead celebrate my life" that is much easier said than done. I am left here with many feelings. I feel empty inside, angry at myself for being so helpless and far away, sorrow knowing that I will never get to spend another second with her, pain of losing her so early and right at the start of our beginning, lost because she was everything to me and now she’s gone, alone even though family is trying to help. Only three members of my family have even -tried to help, none of my friends have said a word. I am so depressed I haven't eaten or drank anything since Friday. I have lost my will to live, yet I can’t end it because it’s not what she wanted. So it seems I shall suffer.