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I Miss My Best Friend :(

I am incredibly sad right now. I am filled with guilt and sadness after having to have my 12 year old dog put to sleep. :( I feel like I failed her. ThiS was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life! It hurts so much.

My husband and I had to rush her to the ER Monday night after she vomited and collapsed into some sort of seizure or stroke. She was diagnosed with diabetes in may, so I thought maybe it had to do with that. An X-ray revealed she had a huge tumor On her spleen. Apparently 75% of these tumors are cancerous, and the vet wasnt very optimistic. He said the tumor could rupture at any moment, and she would bleed to death. There was the option of "exploratory surgery" at a cost of $3,000. My heart sunk. There was no way I could afford this being unemployed, and there were absolutely no guarantees.

The incredibly sweet vet tech Told me about her experience with her dog who had the same diagnosis, and even though she could have gotten all treatments and surgery free of charge, she chose to let him go. This helped at the time, but here I am guilt ridden. :(

I have always gone the extra mile when it comes to my dogs. I've bought the best foods, refused to expose them to potentially toxic flea and tick treatments, and even started home cooking my dogs' meals after she was diagnosed with diabetes since it was better for her. This killed me. Having to make the decision to let her go. I just didn't want her to suffer. It still hurts so much. I am crushed by the guilt, wonderIng if I did the best thing. It was such a rushed decision, but one that HAD to be made. I also feel guilty that I wasn't there when she was put under. I just couldn't go through it. I held my dads hand while he died and was haunted by those images for so Long. I didn't want to remember her that way. The vet tech told me she has put more dogs to sleep than she could count in her long career and would never be present for her own. Again, this helped at the time, but now I feel I should have been there despite my fears. :( If only I could go back.

I feel like I've betrayed her. :( I miss her so much and would give anything to have her back. My heart feels so empty without her. :(


Aquabluesrq Aquabluesrq 31-35 1 Response Aug 24, 2011

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Awww.... I'm so very, very sorry. I cannot properly express how much I feel for you, I've been in this exact position before. You absolutely DID THE RIGHT THING. I know it is nearly impossible not to feel guilty, but you really and honestly have no reason to. It was a giant tumor and your vet is right - nearly all tumors in dogs are cancerous (it is the opposite for cats). My cat, however, had her entire lungs filled with cancer and I lost her in much the same way, so I know what you're going through. Had you gotten the surgery, there was a) little chance of success and b) a huge chance of more pain for your beloved friend. You did the best thing you could for her, you really, really did.<br />
<br />
Huge hugs and don't feel bad for crying or being upset. Shed as many tears as you need for as long as you need, you're entitled. And do not feel that you betrayed her, I honestly with my whole heart believe that you didn't.<br />
<br />
My heart is still empty too, even after six years. It will never go away, I'm afraid. But that is the lasting impact of a beloved and loving pet, and it lets you know just how much you cared and how lucky you are that you were blessed with such a wonderful dog. Hopefully soon you'll be able to bless another dog with the same love and compassion which will be returned to you tenfold.<br />
<br />
Sending you love and comfort across the ocean,<br />
~t