My Beautiful Boy

I'm sorry in advance as this maybe long, I don't know who to turn to or what I'm going to write so I will just type...

We lost our beloved Staffy on 30th April, we had to make the choice to put him to sleep, the most painful choice I have ever had to do, he looked so sad and I cant get the image out of my head....I know its only been 2 days but my heart is hurting like I have never ever felt before.

We have had Lloyd since he was 8 weeks old, along side his sister Peggy, they were inseparable, never ever been apart in the 10 and a half years we have had them, these two staffys were our two babies. I had to miscarriages and after suffering the second we decided to give up for a while and get two dogs, and that's why we have Peggy and Lloyd.

I'm going to now just talk about Lloyd, but you must know I feel exactly the same way about Peggy, but she is still here next to me as I type

Everybody loved Lloyd, he wasn't your normal Staff, he was a wimp and a little nervous boy, we dint know why as he had always been loved from day one....I think maybe I mothered him way too much :), they slept in our bed, took the covers from us, life was just them...he was an absolute one in a million dog, so unique and so odd lol, makes me smile thinking of the stupid things hes done...

I fell pregnant again in 2007 and this time was a success, we had Ronnie in 2008, and Peggy and Lloyd were just BRILLIANT with him, looked after him, played with him, just so so brilliant...

Both dogs have never been poorly, we have been so lucky really....

About a month ago Lloyd started coughing here and there, we didn't really take too much notice and carried on life, about 3 weeks ago he become very breathless all the time so we took him to the vets who said he had fluid on the lungs and pneumonia, he was given tablets and we was told to go back once the tablets had finished (2 weeks), we had a bit of joy thinking he would get better....on Saturday 28th April his condition started getting worse, he could hardly breath but was eating and drinking, so we thought maybe its the tablets, so we gave him lots of cuddles and affection...

On Sunday it was a different story, he was so so poorly, he didn't want us to cuddle him, kiss him, he looked frightened, we took him to the emergency vet who gave him a water injection to release some of the fluid around his lungs, we were told to take him home as his breathing was bad and he needed to take him home to be comfortable and to take him back to the surgery first thing...that night was awful, I was so scared and upset

Next morning we took him the vets who when examining said it didn't look good and they would run tests and we were to phone them midday, we went home, 20 minutes after getting home the vet called and said we must go back now as they were losing him (my heart is crumbling as I write this), we went back and poor Lloyd was on oxygen, his whole body was infected and there was absolutely nothing they could do for him, and he would be alive for a few hours, but we decided to have him put to rest there and then as we couldn't see him suffer, it was the MOST HEARTBREAKING THING EVER..I am so glad we was with him the whole time

The guilt and the hurt is unbearable, I dint sense him around me in spirit at all, I feel this is because he wasn't put to sleep at home and was somewhere strange, he hasn't come to me or given me a sign he is OK and that he still loves me, I'm hurting so much, we have his ashes at home with us and he sleeps next to us, I cant quite believe he is gone, snatched so quickly...

Peggy is so sad, I'm wondering how she is feeling, they have never been apart since they were born, over 10 years ago....now I'm thinking Lloyd hates me for all the times he was a little ratbag and I told him off.....that's all I can think about is when I told him off and how I wish I hadn't,

I cant eat, sleep, stop crying, I cant even have my 4 year old child around me being so normal (I know its not his fault), I just want Peggy with me....I miss Lloyd like I never ever could imagine, I just want to die so I can be with him and he isn't on his own, hes was so vulnerable.....I want this pain to go away, I want him home with me....please someone help me...please xx

Jodie
Pegoyd Pegoyd
31-35, F
May 13, 2012