Just Some Random Things

I've posted here before about losing my Pomeranian Minnie. I've just been thinking...

She was put down on the 25th of July. I'll never forget the date, I swear. I've gone through a range of emotions since, which is to be expected. I calmed down for awhile there. Then about a month after she'd been put to sleep, I started crying all the time-- like I had when she'd first died. I didn't think much of it because I remember reading that sometimes it can really hit you much later on-- even months. But something I find peculiar is the fact that when she first died, I never once dreamt of her. I had a brief flash one time but that was it. She was pretty much all I thought about all the time so I was surprised when I didn't see her in my dreams. Only more recently, when I've calmed down again, have I started dreaming about her constantly. The other night it was this dream where she was standing in water, inside my old childhood dollhouse. I picked her up and asked if she was okay (and I knew that I meant was she okay in the afterlife, or wherever she is now). In the dream I instructed her to give me one lick for no, and two for yes. So I asked her again if she was okay. She licked me twice on the face. Most of my Minnie dreams have been incredibly clear. One was a lucid dream where I was facing a mirror and patting her. It almost felt real. I could feel her fur and her skinny little body. During the day sometimes I close my eyes and remember how she felt. I hope that doesn't sound weird but I just like imagining the shape of her so I can pretend I'm patting her in my mind. Sadly I remember the feel of her more towards the end of her life-- she'd always been thin but she became light to the point where you could carry her around with one hand, which hadn't been the easiest thing before. Yes she's a Pom, but she's one of those bigger ones. Or should I say was..

That's the other thing... Lately when I've been waking up, or sometimes just in the middle of the day, I'll wonder where Minnie is before remembering that she's been dead for over a month now. I feel crazy whenever I do that. How the hell could I not REMEMBER? Even for just a second? I used to wake up with her on my bed, resting against my legs. At first I knew right away: she won't be there when you wake up because she's dead. But now suddenly I wake up and wonder why she's not there and think she must just be in another room. Then I remember; she's not anywhere I can see because she's DEAD.

Maybe I should've seen her put into the ground. Maybe then it would feel more real. But it should feel real now that I haven't seen her in 'person' for over a month. I know she's gone, and I felt like I'd excepted the fact that I won't be seeing her around anymore, and yet still I wonder sometimes when I'm checking to see where all my dogs (and cat) are, "now where's Min-- oh yeah.."

She was sick for awhile there and I started to expect that she would ultimately die. And we lost her just before her ninth birthday. In that dream where she was in water in the dollhouse, I'd said or thought (in the dream) that it was 2005. When I woke up, I worked out how old she would've been that year. Four. Our dog who died before her (and who'd been her best friend) died at four, exactly half of Minnie's age (eight). I felt like it had some significance but I know; it was just a dream. Dreams might have meanings but I think the 2005 thing was probably just something really random.

It's weird though. I keep having dreams of my animals in water. Last night I had one of my cat in a bath... she's like most cats and hates water, but she seemed to love it in this one. Then I put my smallest dog, a Chihuahua in next to her because I think it looked like she wanted to get in (which is very out of character for her). Then the moment I put her in, my cat, who doesn't like her (and vice-versa) climbed out of the bath. I held up my dog in the bath in case it was too deep and noticed that it'd gone over her mouth/face for a moment. I felt bad about it, thinking how I could've accidentally drowned her. Right after Minnie's death I had a dream about both my Chihuahua, and one of my other dogs being in a bath with their heads under water. I think they're just reflections of how paranoid I now feel over the pets I have left. Yesterday my sister was using nail polish remover on her toes. She'd pour it into tissues and then rub the wet tissue on her nails. Little bits of tissues covered in nail polish fell on the floor. I started lecturing her about it, saying one of the dogs could come along and eat one of the little pieces (one in particular always eats tissues he finds). She said casually that she'd pick them up but I felt so paranoid that I crawled around scooping up all the 'poison' pieces of tissues. I doubt anything would've happened, but I feel so paranoid now.

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
Sep 7, 2009