I Miss You

I started this group when I was missing my ED and I didn't have the courage to really admit it with a story.  But I did miss it. I missed it with all my heart. I cried about how I hated myself for not letting my walls down to let her in.  I am happy I did't but if anyone else feels like this they can talk about it here. because i thinks its ok to miss it sometimes.

sacredvision sacredvision
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 17, 2009

I completely agree with the first commenter. I've been so glad to come back to school after being in treatment, but suddenly I feel like nothing. When I left I had no friends because they had all stopped talking to me to convince me to get better. But now that I'm better and there's no going back I'm suddenly feeling lost. I am SO incredibly glad to have my friends back again, but dealing with relationships is really hard. I was so numb before to everything except my sickness. It was the only thing that really mattered, I was good at it, I shunned hunger so much that it left. I still don't really have that back. There's no way in hell I would go back to anorexia. But right now I miss it like it was my best friend.

i miss it like an old house or city..like i want to go back and visit..even though when i had it it was the most terrifying thing i had ever experienced. i look 'good' now, toned because i go to the gym a lot now and eat healthily, but i miss being very skinny so much..i miss the lightheadedness, i miss the delight at being able to fast for days..i even miss having blue lips and nails and lying in bed in the afternoon, i miss chopping up vegetables at night to eat in the morning and i miss sitting in the coffee shop outside my school in a pile of jackets with people stopping in to say hi and then walking out again. i miss being out of the 'loop' and being in my own private world. because it was easy. it gave me a hiatus from the pressures and intensity of living a real life, and gave me a way out of thinking about possibilites and potential. i didn't feel afraid of myself or that i was too much because my mind was quietened by starvation.<br />
going back to normal was the best and hardest thing i have ever done. and the times of missing it are getting fewer, so i'll probably stop thinking about it eventually.