I Wish We Could Be Best Friends Again...Lately, I've been missing her a lot. She's regularly in my dreams and sometimes I wake up having a panic attack just because I saw her in my dream. I want to email her or something but it might be too much for her. You see, I was the one who ended it. And by ended it, I mean I just randomly stopped talking to her.
Here's our story.
Lexi and I met in highschool. I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. We both tried out for the softball team. I was already in the team when I was a freshman (out of pity really) so I was automatically in. I didn't pay much attention to anything back then, until I saw her swing that bat. I was in awe. Then I watched her more closely and I was amazed by how she threw that ball: how accurate and fast it was. I thought wow, this girl kicks serious bum! Obviously she made it in the team and she became our pitcher. I was always an outfielder so I got to watch her do her thing at every game. She seemed shy and reserved, and we only really talked during our games and practices. A year later, we were both in the team again, but this time, my bestfriend then was also a close friend of hers. We ended up talking more so we became closer to friends rather than teammates. That year, her class had an out-of-town trip for three days. My bestfriend then was also in that class, so she begged me to go. I caved so I actually went. Surprisingly, I ended up hanging out more with Lexi than my bestfriend. My bestfriend and I ended up staying in her hotel room with three other girls, and she ended up kicking me off her bed in deep sleep. And that was the start of our friendship. She then asked me if I wanted to hang out and see a movie with her, which led to us sneaking in to see another movie... and this began one of the most memorable summers of my life. From then on, we were constantly on the phone, talking or texting. We hung out when I wasn't busy with family or working. She introduced me to a whole new world of rock/alternative music. Come to think of it, she was the only friend I had who wasn't in any of my classes and actually wanted to hang out with me outside of school. She was the first friend I had who didn't care about how much money we had, just as long as we could hang out, whenever we could.
I loved everything about her. She valued my opinion and she wanted to share everything with me. I, on the other hand, was the opposite. She would read me her poems and short stories, and she would ask me what I thought about it. I never asked her for her opinion on things like that, but I depended on her view of life, and I ran every important life decisions by her. That year, I found out that my family was moving out west. It was devastating for me, and for her. I knew I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her until I had to leave. I quit the extracurriculars I had, except for softball of course, just so I would have more time with her. I didn't go to my prom to go to a concert with her, my first concert ever. During our last few months together, we planned our future: once we're both done school, we'd try to live in the same city, maybe live together for a while. We planned to be 60 and still be best friends.
And then I moved.
We still called each other almost every day. Texted all day long almost, and when I visited 6 months later for Christmas, it was like I never left. That Christmas, I realized that I was in love with her. Being so far away from her made me miss her even more. One night a few months later, I couldn't take it anymore and I told her how I felt about her. I was hoping she would feel the same way, but she only thought of me as her sister. I was hurt, and she said she couldn't believe that I would do this to her. She said she was hurt too, and that it was all my fault. I tried to take back what I had confessed to her but she said we can't be best friends at the moment. I didn't hear from her for three weeks. And it actually took me that long to get over the hurt and my feelings for her. Then she talked to me like nothing happened. We were back to the normally chummy best friends we used to be. I remained hurt from rejection which eventually turned to acceptance.
A couple of years later, we started growing apart. Long-distance was taking a toll on our friendship. I only saw her maybe twice a year. I talked to her less often. We had less things to talk about. She didn't know the people I talked about and vice versa. I was focused on making money in the future and she didn't like that. Then I started realizing how stupid I was for allowing her to put the blame on me for falling in love with her many years ago. It wasn't my fault and blaming me for it was not fair.
I then started to hate her.
We started arguing over email. She started complaining about things in her life, and of course I did the same. It got to a point where I felt suffocated by our friendship. Reading her emails was getting on my nerves and the long-distance thing wasn't helping. Eventually, I got so fed up that I stopped talking to her. I stopped replying to her emails, and text messages. I felt like I've given up a lot for her and she ends up blaming me for something I couldn't control. Maybe it was immature of me to feel this way, but I really hated her.
A couple of years came by and I decided to message her. I explained to her why I cut the cord. I told her it wasn't her fault, and that I just felt suffocated and felt we were growing apart. I told her that I knew I didn't handle the situation well and that I could've saved our friendship but I didn't see that as an option back then. It seems stupid and immature now, but back then, I felt relieved. It was freeing to cut ties with her.
Now, two years later, I miss her. I know she's done school now. We're both out in the 'real-world' now. I'm doing well for myself now -- I have everything I could ask for, except for her. I have never bonded with anyone like I did with her. I wish I could share all this with her. I have had a lot of ups and downs in the past years since I ended our friendship and I feel that ending our friendship allowed me to grow more as an individual, and it allowed me to discover more about myself. I just wish it was the same for her, or better. I think we both needed to experience life without each other.
Now I wish I could have her back. Success is nothing without a best friend to share it with.