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Still Miss Her After 40 Years

I have been married 35 years to a great wife with whom I have raised 2 great kids, so the feelings I am experiencing have left me more than confused. Before I met my wife, I had dated a girl while in high school for about 2 years before she ended the relationship because she thought we should try dating others. I worshiped that girl and was devestated at that time. After a week or so having that knot in your stomach that comes with that type of rejection and about the time I was starting to rebound and move forward with life she called and said she had made a mistake and thought we should get back together again. Looking back now, I can say I foolishly ran right back to her. We continued dating for about 6 more months before we finally broke up for the same original reason. From what I recall I was again devestated but recovered more quickly the second time around as I think I became more mad at her for doing this to me a second time. She still wanted to date me and I believe we did go out for another date or two but it was never the same for me. We seemed to run in to each other frequently and my heart always skipped a beat when I saw her but we never did resume dating. So...life moved on for me and within the following year I met my current wife. Over the years when something would jog my memory of the old girlfriend it made me realize that she had really never left my heart. But I never really allowed myself to dwell on it and moved on....that is until recently. For some reason the last couple of weeks I have not been able to stop thinking about her...and continue to analyze in my mind where things went wrong years ago....and what could I have done to make it turn out differently. I have not seen or heard from her in over 30 years. She married years ago to an old classmate of mine and as far as I know still is. I have always believed that most people never forget their first true love but I am not sure why I feel so bad about it now...over 30 years later. I am just hoping that these feeling soon pass.      

damons50 damons50 51-55 21 Responses Jul 8, 2009

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Hi,
I have just read this and whilst not exactly the same as your story, my experience has some parallels.
I met a girl through a friend when I was 19 (she was 16). I truly felt besotted by this girl and asked her out on a date. She agreed and we went out together for about three months (nothing sexual just friendship) at which time she told me that she didn’t really have feelings for me other than as a friend as basically she had a crush on my best friend.
We drifted apart and I hadn’t seen her for thirty years. As fate would have we met recently. She had been married twenty-six years (recently separated) . Likewise I too had recently separated after twenty-eight years of marriage.
All though I was with a loving wife for most of those years I was never truly happy as I could never get the other girl out of my mind and like yourself every time I thought about her my heart would flutter.
When we met – for me – it was if those thirty years had never happened. My heart skipped a beat and I became nervous and love-struck again. She also said that she regretted not staying a bit longer with me as she had had a bad experience with my mate, then had a loveless marriage. After a short conversation I asked her if she wanted to go on a date and she agreed.
We have now been together two years and I have never felt as close or as loving towards a person as I do with this woman and she has said the same about me. I am now 55 and we are getting married and hope to spend the next thirty years (at least) together making up for lost time.

I feel the pain that you are going through. I know that you may still feel this pain. I believe that the best way is to pray and trust God that everything will be alright. Some here may have experienced, only a few months, a few years or decades of longing, but the heart still longs for that treasured memory. I believe that when we were created, we were designed to have innocent love. But because we were born into this broken world, we still long for that sense of innocence even if it is not there. And because death is only coming closer to us as we age, there is a lot of desperation and a lot of deep sadness that there will be complete finality and no returning from the grave if we don't do anything to rush to our former lover.



But believe that there has to be a God who redeems us from the grave so that we would all one day in the light of good. Trust God that he will take care of your former lover. Surrender to God that you really have no control of your feelings and tell Him that you want to surrender to him. Give up being the master of your mind, you have suffered enough, instead and surrender to Him. He is waiting for you to surrender your all to Him. Trust that He will make everything good, even if it is not in your current interests. In the long run, trust that His light does everything good. There will be a day when you will be able to meet your former lover in Heaven. Pray this for her. Surrender your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts and your everything to God. Give all to him and give up your mastery of your own feelings.



I will pray for you. With understanding,



Another brother

I often think about my first girlfriend, wish we could have got married and remained faithful, never straying at all. I think it is a dream of love, wanting to worship someone beyond all others and her to reciprocate, unsullied by other relationships. For two people to feel that way about each other and never have a second girl/boyfriend must be very rare. It is probably better to experiment until you are sure that you want no other person ever. Later, I think it is easy to idealise a first love, because it was the first time you had feelings like that, and of course, in some way, will always be special in your heart.

I'll share my story as well. About almost a year ago I broke up with my one and only. Reasons, because she was acting completely weird, and second she was always thinking if we were right for each other. I broke up with her to make it easier on her. I tried it all to get her back. Keeping my composure of course, and not sounding needy or clingy. Still she asked me to leave her alone and to never contact her again or she was going to get the police involved. I left the situation alone, walked away with my sorrows and pain. She has been dating some else after a month an half of us being apart. Who knows perhaps a rebound. Almost a year later, I now take my college classes at the university of central Florida. But for reasons being I had to take a chemistry class at Valencia community college, and she's there in the same class. The moment I saw my heart skipped so bad that I felt nauseous, and I strongly believe that the feelings that once burned for her are still burning deep in within my heart.

I do not know what to do but I surely feel great about myself I had to reinvent myself to feel as happy as I am today but I have missed her dearly and yet still do. Any advice?

I too have a similar experience I want to share. It has been 30 years since I walked away from the one and only woman I will ever truly love. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving considering my circumstances at the time. I left her one day without a word, not so much as a note. I knew if I had tried to explain that I wouldn't have left, so I picked the coward's way out and left without a trace. I called her a year later wanting to explain, but understandably she was not very pleased and told me to never contact her again. I understand her feelings, but I am still dealing with the guilt and regret of how I handled the situation to this day. I have never loved anyone as much as I love/loved her. I looked her up on one of those people search sites and I have her address now and have had it for some time. She still has her same last name, so I am sure she has never married. I wanted some advice as to how I should proceed. I have been divorced for quite some time now so there is no danger of going behind anyone's back. I would get a bit more in detail about this relationship, but I feel it would be prudent to keep it to myself until I receive a few responses.

Same story here too!

It was my senior year in school my parents decided to move to another town about 1900km away from the one we use to stay and I had a girlfriend at the time no one knew we dated because her parents were crazy we dated for two years so I decided that I will stay for her and I did I moved in with her and her parents everything just went crazy from there she left me 20 times telling me that our relationship doesn't feel right andshe broke me completely eventually after 9 months of living with them she told her dad everything that happened and he kicked me out of their house and I lived in a flat on my own I was left alone in a place where I only wanted to be for her she left me broken I was destroyed for months after finishing school I went to college to study law I'm in my second year now and I still miss her she randomly would Facebook message me and ask how I'm doing and break me from the start the thing is I would've died for that girl I still will I honestly don't know what to do how can you love someone so much that it burns and kills on the inside

Relax. This is no problem because your thoughts are very common. Ignore those ignorant fools who say you have a problem. I notice the person with screen name...

jessicatty

...had a snide remark. As if she has never thought about getting back with a past boyfriend even years later. Yea right we know the truth. Everybody on the planet thinks back to the past and wonders What If. It is a natural and common thing. IMO the best way is not to to ignore those thoughts but encourage them to the limit of your imagination. You want to drown your head with so many thoughts about What If that you get bored with that person. Eventually they should pass as you replace memories of them with new people in your life. A handful of real friends with common interests and you should soon forget about that What If you still cling with and move on.

We all search for friends from childhood, elementary school, high school, and college on the internet. Most of us are curious to see if those who caused us pain have bombed out in life. Most of them have. A few have only created the illusion of success for others to look at in amazement. What they did in reality sheds the truth about their failures in life. Look beneath the layers and you find it truth. Enjoy knowing they would have been better off with you. No need to contact them and rub it in. Whether they admit it or not they already know it was their mistake and bad choice but now it is far to late.

In the end you will loose those memories of your past What If and move on with your current and new friends. Those past memories only show that you still have a good memory and may not suffer from memory loss which a good thing. You will move on from this as everybody does.

Good Luck

This may be read by someone or not, but I may feel better by writing.

I understand everyone here, all there pain and hurt.

Heres my story:

I had to leave for Europe a couple of years ago since I was fired from my old job.
If I didnt take this chance, my life would have been VERY different.
Now I have an excellent job (as an IT expert), career, knowledge of new things and have matured greatly.....

But....I had to leave the love of my life. My first love, my first time with a woman (we were both virgins) and a time in my life that was beautiful.

I left in a hurry since the job started 1 week before I left. She suffered from anxiety (she had anxiety attacks) and, I was afraid of making her sick or ill if I told her I was to leave. I asked her auntie for advice, she said "Leave without a good bye, contact her later".

Oh mistake!!! Horrible and stupid mistake!!

I called her 2 days after my flight. I let her now I was coming back in a year, that I would go back for her, we would get married (we wanted to before but couldnt) and live happy, free, in love. It was part of what I thought was a plan.
I WAS COMING BACK.

But, she suffered terribly being alone, walking the same streets, going to places she went with me before.....she suffered very, very, very much.

I was madly in love even without her as my dreams and hopes rose up and up, waiting and yearning to see her and get married. I was the happiest man alive, I told everyone I was getting married to my fiance.

Then......she went cold. Our calls were not full of love and "I miss you's", she was distracted, she changed, she rebelled.

I confronted her, she said after a tug o war of words: "Im with someone, since months back....."

I nearly had a heart attack. I stayed awake for at least 5 days.
I was a zombie. I would cry in front of my computer, I didnt give a **** if the boss or my coworkers were around. I cried in the metro, walking back home, in my room....

After some months we started to talk, as friends. But, I met a girl.
She was nice in every way, I fell in love.....I thought I did.

We got married in a civil union. We traveled and lived together, but my ex was still in touch with me. She had a new boyfriend, I had my wife. We were OK with that.
But not my wife. She wanted it to stop. So I did.......and I never heard from her till 1 month before my ex gf's wedding.

When we spoke, she told me she didnt love her soon to be spouse, it wasnt the same.
She was married because she was getting older, her darn family put preassure on her and she was grateful for her boyfriends dedication.....but not in love.

I wasnt deeply in love. We actually argued alot, my wife and I, and I missed ever more my ex girlfriend. This made my life sad and miserable. I had fights at work, stress and I eventually left despite having a great wage, position and future.

I went back home with my spouse but my family didnt like her. My father in the law didnt like me either! Bad situation.

At last....I go visit my ex at her beauty salon. She called me before and was excited to see me......we were going for a cafe after 5 years of not seeing each other....I was very nervous and excited......yet, I get there, and she was cold, dry and mean.

She made me feel horrible, she did not want to talk and bid be farewell.

I cried my eyes out.

Now she is married, has a daughter and I cannot find a way to contact her.......and I am terribly upset, since, I feel, she has forgotten me. I feel like she hates me, that she wished I never met her.

My wife and I still argue, but we are temporarily separated.

I do not want to argue anymore. I am tired, I feel sick. I am sad all the time.

I feel I cannot mend my marriage, since we have hurt each other, with words, oh so badly.
Our marriage is going down the drain.......

I feel as if my wife was an intruder, she never let me come full circle with my ex.
I WANTED to continue with my life, with my wife and have peace. But she was jealous, and I hated her for it. She interfered in something that was mine, and she never ever understood that I only wanted to have peace, healing and renewal.

Now, I have a part of my life that is incomplete. Questions never got answered, feelings were never mended, and the wounds never healed because of her interference and lack of understanding. She imposed her selfish will and failed to understand, despite my explanations, that I was all for her, but I wanted to close the circle then keep moving forward.

I am very very hurt because of this. I have not forgiven her for it.

I hope to move on.........I pray for this every day.

If you can, please take a look at what I wrote to the person who initially wrote this post. I really feel all this pain you are going through. I pray that you will be able to surrender to God. For myself, I have done so much to try to be in control my own life, my own emotions and feelings but I realize I can't. Please consider trusting and surrendering to God and trust that He will make everything good in the end.

So, thirty-one years ago I broke the heart of my first boyfriend. I was fifteen and he was fourteen. We dated for such a short time, maybe four months our freshman year in high school before I broke up with him because he was so possessive. And also because he was convinced at fourteen we would marry right after we graduated. I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't commit at fifteen to a lifetime promise. Our break up was horrible. The situation devastated him and filled him with such pain and anger, he has never been able to let go. Even thirty years later if he runs into a mutual acquaintance or one of my family members, he brings up how I broke his heart all those years ago. And it is not in a joking way. I feel as if I am being haunted and punished for something that happened such a long time ago and wish there was a way for him to forgive me. That broken-hearted fourteen year old boy is now a broken-down middle-aged man and at some point I wish he would take responsibility for what he is feeling. And forgive me. And forgive himself.

Sometimes major changes and more time on your hands can make you reflect on happier times in your life , stay busy , be postitive and take a look around at what you have got that makes you happy , the past is the past ... Great memories

Wow man.. this is def going to happen to me, dated a russian girl through highschool and completely worshiped her but let the the other head get the best of me, now iv got a kid on the way and its been years and i still see her around and ny heart skips a beat everytime too. My current gf was two girlfriends after and even then i satyed single for a year and a half after.. idk what to do.. ill never be over her. And i cant go back to her bc of some personal things. and get this she lives 2 min a way and my best friend is still dating her sister and that was sweet cuz when we were dating me and my bestfriend could still always hang it was perfect.. i really ****** up man.. it would be nice to hear how your story ends up keep in touch with me somehow just not sure what to do. Its been probably 6 years. Damn it.

I was so indulged in the culture i even learned the language and everything, the music.. idk it just sucks it was a huge part of my life.. nothin beats this

I honestly hope this doesn't happen to me, it's christmas morning and I woke up, as I often do, thinking only of her, the one that got away. It was 5 years ago and I havnt seen or heard from here in about 4 years but I can still remember the perfume she wore, her smooth skin and soft kisses; five years and it feels like yesterday. My wife is sleeping next to me as I write this and knowing my heart longs for another makes me feel guilty, what kind of monster I must be for feeling so melancholy as I remember small things about her. I hope these feelings fade away but after 5 years of this, what's another 35? life and her ironies are sometimes too cruel to be true yet here we are. Dayna, if you read this one day, I still love you and miss you so terribly. I would do anything

If you can, please read my post which is at the very top - I only wish the best for you. I understand that you cannot control your feelings as many of us can't. We cannot control how we feel about past lovers and the returning of those feelings. I believe that God can take care of your former lover. I believe that if you surrender to God, you can also give up control of your feelings. I am in this process too and also letting go. Trust that He will do everything that is good in the end and that God will do what is right.

You tried it with the old flame a few times, it just never worked, and you should remember that. You gave it all the chances you could, it was not the best thing for you, you moved on, you should be happy with your life now. Remembering that it didn't work will help the feelings pass.

You did what you thought was right at the moment,lets face it if you were truly happy in your marriage, when you look at that picture of her you would have remember for a moment and nothing else but you didin't you went ahead and look up her.Now you are following your heart,with people you love geting hurt.You cannot tell your heart how to feel something else,now that you have chosen to go ahead then you must go forward.You will have people that will judge you,let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.Just be happy and enjoy lost time.Good Luck

What can I say? I contacted my first love. She did remember me because I was her first and I never really knew that. When we broke up 32 years ago I was devastated, I realized then that I had fallen in love. Fast forward 30 years later I was organizing my parents 50th anniversary party and looking through old pictures I saw her and For a month I could not get her out of my mind. I knew I had to find her and contact her to break that spell. I contacted her and she and I went for a roller coaster ride to the past. She too was devastated over breaking up those many years ago.

I just couldn't break that spell and neither could she. She left her husband after 22 years and 4 kids, I left my wife after 24 years and no children. Do I have regrets? Of course I do. Security being the first thing on my list. I ache for the things I have done and there was a lot of tears for what I have done. But all through that I could not deny the woman I loved 30 years ago and still do and more now.

To her I am a hero, but I don't feel that way. I feel like a cad when I think back.

My advice to you is if you don't want a heart attack don't do it. Seriously the emotional torment you will go through will rip you apart. It did to me.

We will be together shortly and I will start my new life. Economically she couldn't move and I have decided to give up everything to be with her. I am no hero.

Same story here. Nearly 40 years have passed, I'm married, have three wonderful kids and a great wife, but I still miss her. She was amazing and my heart was broken so badly that I had to reinvent myself over the years. I wonder if it is partially when we reach a time in our lives that we start looking back and missing a part of our youth in conjunction with repressed feeling that make themselves manifest once again. The ambivalence of being grateful that I was able to love her while I did, verses wishing I never met her is maddening. Its easy to say, but you have to keep looking forward.

Look we cannot control how we feel thats what makes us human,she will always have a special place in your heart and just remember the pass is not earsable its what makes us who we are today and keeping the memories alive.I also miss my past friend but am marry to a great guy so instead of dwelling what i could have just think what you have.You take care if you would like to write private i'm here.

I can't argue with you, my wife deserves better. Maybe I should never have married if I was not capable of falling in love properly. I went through five girlfriends and waited seven years before I knew that I would never fall in love again. I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to have a family so I didn't resist as we moved toward marriage. I never ask my wife to marry me, I could never have done that. She adores me and always has. I did and do like her a lot. It would not be a lie to even say that I love her with all my heart, I just never fell in love with her in a girlfriend-boyfriend kind of way. In my defense I have no control over that part of fate, it either happens or it doesn't . I've always tried to be a good husband and father. My ex-girlfriend did something to me that I don't understand. She made it so that after her, I was never attracted to any other woman. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not gay but I'm not attracted to guys either L.O.L.. God knows I tried to be normal. I have just had to learn to live with it. Maybe I deserve to be miserable? I try to be happy even so.

Hi, that happened to me, female and I am so embarrassed over it. I wonder if and how you deal with it. I know this post is from awhile ago..thanks for sharing

you guys deserve to be miserable, but your wives deserve better.

You have no heart, just like most women who are capable of dumping a guy then moving forward without a flinch. Just like a an assassin, who kills then forgets and looks forward for the next kill.

Your story is the same as mine... 40 years since my ex girl friend broke-up with me for the 2nd time for the same reason. (I've also been happily married for 35 years). One day about 4 years ago My dad gave me a box with about 100 love letters that my ex girlfriend had written me, including one that she had written a couple years after she was married (asking me to write back, but I never did). Like a fool I read them all. All of the hidden feelings I had for her came to the surface, and I couldn't control what I did next. I tracked her down on the internet and mailed her a long letter telling her I had discovered I was still in love with her and had been all these years. Not a good Idea because I have to live with what she wrote back to me. She said my letter found her happy with all aspects of her life. She has 4 married daughters and 5 grandchildren and waiting for more. Her husband still honors and adores her even after all these years. She said that she wanted me to know that she always cherished her first love experience with me. She said that for her it was over when we said goodbye.She thanked me for the letter and ask that there be no further communication of any kind because it would only hurt me more. Then she said she was sorry that my life had not been happy and that she hoped that I could finally find closeuer and happiness with what I have.

So you can see she put me in my place perfectly. It only makes me love her more. I'm sure she'll think of me as the unfaithful jerk that I am for the rest of her life. She could have continued to cherish what we had shared together, but I blew it.

I'm really sorry to hear all the pain, regret, mind and heart analysis of not only yourself but her and your situation. What you could have said, or done. You talk about running straight back to her. I bet you wished you had made her work for it so that she didn't throw it away the second time. This may or may not be true. I rushed back to my ex the second time after we broke up, and regretted it (still
Am) as he dumped me again for the same reason. Looking back, I wished I'd made him chase me to ensure that he really did love me and not take me for granted, and if he hadn't of done that, i would have known not to bother. Now all I'm left with is memories of more good times with him which I miss and more hurt of when it went wrong again the second time. This had really put back my healing process. I hope to God that some other man (or him if he proposes) wins my heart and I can fall deeply, deeply in love again.

It is a fact that when someone dumps you, you love them more. Or if someone cancels your dates sometimes especially as you might have been excited to see them. These are all tools of seduction and getting someone addicted to you and sadly I didn't do any of this to my ex, however he did it to me. Thus showing why I am still addicted to him, and he not me.

I haven't got any advice for you. Just I know what it feels like to have the pain of love.

I do know one couple that ended up marrying after the first break up. She dumped him. He then cut her off for many weeks/ months and when he finally came around, she'd missed him so badly, they are now married. I heard this story AFTER my ex had already dumped me and I had gone back to him, as when he first dumped me he did actually still love me so I think this would have worked on getting him addicted to me (he wanted to feel Closer to me anyway) as he had been dumped once before and never really fully healed so he very much sees pain and love as the same thing. Sadly as I only heard about this no responding for weeks, when I was back with him, I couldn't try it out (in both our interests as I was already In love with him).... And there is no point now as he is not really/not in lOve with me anymore I don't think.

I too have the same problem. I want to forget about the past, but it's been in my head for the last month to the point of tracking her down to where she lives. I am married and plan to stay that way......but the feelings persist and it was 30 years ago. She never explained why she wanted to break up and I was too " macho" to ask why. I guess now that I look back I should have. I have not attempted to contact her out of fear and respect because I don't know what kind of problem I might present to her or even if she remembers me.