It's been a year since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. Last time I spoke to her was through a texts she sent asking a question about a previous phone bill question which I replied with a pretty generic answer to cont no contact to help myself move on. We were together for 12years before the break up. In my time of exiled I had a lot of thoughts many unanswered questions. I did my best filling in the blanks. I saw myself as the true piece of crap that I was. How in many moments of our relationship I was mentally not there for her. How I was sometimes embarrassed by her how I would be irritated by her simplistic thinking. She drove me crazy. I was so horrible I was selfish to her emotions and selfless in my action to take care of her. I should have been both selfless in both spectrums. I turned her into someone that was from sweet innocent and caring to a lying, Deceiving, manipulative shell of her former self. Because I could not stop worrying freaking out being depressed drinking and smoking. The neglecting of my duty and honor to stand by her side as a partner. I am a horrible person. Yes I did go out of my way for her consigned a car for her, bought us a home. But I never gave her the care and love she deserved we never shared a bed when living together. How could I be surprised when she left me for someone else. It was karma paying me back for the lies the bad treatment. I had something good and I let the what ifs and worries get the best of me. She moved on to someone else that she dated while living with me now I hear through friends she is happy. Engaged. Seen a picture of him looks just like me just more together before I let my depression take over. A year ago I was like wow one month were talking about marriage and children as my side of life was stabilizing And I felt we were in a good spot. Then back from a business trip and the multiple date profile she opened up the hidden meet ups the finding a room to rent. Just to get far away from me taking a new never open box of 50 condoms really hurt. I took her for granted thinking we will always be together. I was a fool. Karma taught me the lesson I needed to learn. I really miss her. I miss her caring nature her sweetness. I miss her laugh and our long talks even the meaningless fights that would end in laughter. They now are given to someone else to love and cherish that I hope is deserving. I regret so much. So many regrets. I drive home every day from work and in my long drives I think of her the memories of the time before how we were happy. How I was in love with my best friend. How I wish I had one more chance to make things right. That day has come and gone. No chances left. I'm currently dating someone now and I see a lot of my traits of how I treated my ex with her. How I see love and affection but also the sight of depression and "why am I with this man" look. She see my good selfless nature and kindness but also take her frustration with the world on me. I see why we are together. I feel love for her and her children. But I feel I'm lied to constantly and compared to the father of her children I'm corrected constantly. It makes me feel worse. I'm currently under the notion my life will only get worse. That God has given up on me and I should end it. I lost the one true person who ever gave a damn in me because she was tired of seeing me not taken care of my self. I use to wish she would of fought for me harder seeing me doing the wrong things to ease my depression to stand up drag me to a mental hospital. But she did fight she just saw I will never get back up I mean no will wait or fight for you if you yourself was not willing to admit and accept help. I wish I could apologize to her and ask for help as a friend but in reality she happy I have been forgotten about. If anything I'm an inside joke between her and her man. If anything I just wanna give up living life. Just stop everything disappear from reality. I look at this life I created the hardships I dug myself in. I don't see a positive out look for me anymore just more pain. It's been a year and I feel worst then I ever felt because I understand my errors and the ways I wronged her. I always hope for that phone call thinking she call me when I'm about to do it. But I know when my time comes that I'm truly done with the lies and the wrongs people being nasty to others myself included. That phone will not ring fate will not come to my aid. My destiny was thrown away from myself. My purpose now is to show people to take care of your loved ones be a better man then just a good one. Never let work control your life. Give 100% in a relationship. Never give into your darkest thoughts. Be good to one another as that person you brushed off or mistreated could already be on the edge and you gave him a reason to jump. Because if you take your love for granted and not nurture it it will die and it will grow somewhere else. Sorry for my ramblings if you read this entire post. I hope you have a good weekend thank you for letting me share. Also if your in a relationship and your partner is battling major depression and he doesn't admit help or accept it please give it anyway in the long run they will thank you as they will not see it at first.
Madmanwithabox29 Madmanwithabox29
31-35, M
2 Responses Aug 7, 2015

good points/advices you've mentioned. i wish the best for you. my ex has also taken me for granted, now we're done, we've been done for a while now actually. anyways. take care. it heals with time. accept your past mistakes/flaws, LEARN, & MOVE ON. there's other girls out there but i understand if you still love or care for ur ex. i still care about my ex and hope he's doing well. Well take care!

Thank you for sharing this. This sounds like my last relationship. I think of it as practice for the future. I have vowed never to make those mistakes again. You will someone else who you are compatible with, and it will be great.