I've had an odd experience recently and it led to me asking a question on this website. When I was 16 I was at a party and kissed a girl I'd known but never paid attention to. I only kissed her because all my friends had picked up girls at the party, and to be honest, I regretted it the next day. I lacked the courage to explain to her in the days that followed until she asked me calmly if we were going out or not. I said we were, and the next couple of dates were awkward because I didn't know her and really didn't think we had anything in common.

A few months down the road, I fell in love with her. She was a kind, thoughtful, gentle and warm girl. I realised that my feelings had changed one night while waiting for her at the train station. When she got off the train I realised that she had subtly changed into a pretty and self assured young woman. We grew closer until one day she said that she wanted a trial separation. She had quietly outgrown me and was ready for life, a job and grown up things in general.

That was the end of the relationship, although we stayed friends for a while. That stopped because I was distraught that she was now seeing someone else. I told her I didn't want to see her anymore because of the boyfriend. She explained she had stopped seeing him, but didn't ask me to change my mind although I could see she was upset. We parted that night on good terms, and I saw her once 5 years later. She was married and had a kid. I was engaged but I felt like a little boy talking to her.

Then facebook happened, and I saw her profile. For a fortnight I had a really strange existence where it felt like our relationship was very recent and all the many things that had happened to me since then had somehow been before that. I had known her for 18 months and been with my wife for 20. I would suggest it was almost a dissociative experience. I also began to feel aftershocks of the emotions I had at the breakup, and realised I loved her as a soulmate but with full understanding that she definitely did not feel like that, and indeed would be freaked out if she knew.

I sent a message saying that I'd seen her online and wondered if she would be ok with an exchange of messages, etc. I said that I fully understood she might feel otherwise, in which case I wanted to let her know I would always remember her well. It turned out she had checked me out online, too. She was happy to hear from me, and we talked about our families, but on short notes. I have no intention of pursuing her, and I love my wife and kids. It is definitely not sexual, which is odd in itself - I would settle for a meeting and hug, and an exchange of memories. She's some kind of feminine ideal, and I just want her to know but also appreciate that I love her, but am not desperate, and not going to chase her.

It's so odd - such a strange ache, but not entirely unpleasant. Probably in part, a mid-life crisis, but hey ho. Love's weird.
gelidor gelidor
46-50, M
1 Response Dec 12, 2015

She has asked me to meet her. Weird thing this life, huh?