8 Months Off Hell
back in march i split up with my ex girlfriend of about 1 year going out, we worked for the same company and although it was long distance about 2 and half hours we saw each other most weekends. to begin with she was very needy and used to text me all the time outside of work, and email at work and it was very intense i got to find out that she had been assaulted and how her last break up had resulted in her being taken in to medical care as she had a bit of a break down, i felt trapped and to be honest had a weed problem which i had told her i had stopped but other than the time we were together i was smoking in the week, but being irratable and a bit moody all the time we were together and i convinced myself that after her operation which meant she was off work for three months with me driving up most weekends that i wouldn't want to be with her, i felt trapped. she had family problems and a brother that used to terrorise her and her mum, and her dad worked away all week so they were in a horrible situation, with me being out my head on drugs then i was so self centred that i was not very supportive, and at times even tried to finish it which im not proud off and still struggle to live with. after continuing this till the new year we had broke up about 3 times and i instergated it but then would call back and sort things out.
she went on holiday i didnt even call her and when she got back her brother had tried to punch her and i was more put out that she didnt want to talk to me, we carried on for a couple more weeks but then we had one to many arguments and we split by text.
after this i realised that i was wrong and quit weed and had to go do course and did work with a counsellor and descovered why i had acted in the way i had, i couldnt cope with someone loving me and sabotaged it, and had been cheated on by three ex's so just figured that would happen again. but then took responsibility for the monster i had become.
with working at the same company i then tried to get back together but she had decided it was too far, and we didnt speak for a while, i sent her a letter to apologise and then got the its not you its me rotuine which hurt, working in that company took me down and i couldnt cope with it and after about 3 months split she phoned up work related for the first time and for some reason i told her that i had stopped drugs which she went mental at and we spent a couple of days emailing back and forth but we got over that and it just went to NC for a while.
i lived in constant fear of the call and work depressed me so much, i stayed off weed but the emptyness off losing both things caught up with me, and in the end i had to ask to leave the job i was in and move, as it was a daily reminder of what i had lost and how bad i had behaved.
about a week before i left 08/09/09, we were chatting on email about stuff and she was making reference to how some bloke had said she was too tall to marry, and that another was saying how fit she was to her gay friend and i overreacted and accused her of doing it to hurt me, we ended up then me playing the victim and accusing her of being over me before and considering all that i did then i should have not even gone there. and we then had the last contact.
i have since started taking anti depressants and am now picking away from the office and reliving last year but not able to be who i am now and not the druggy scumbag i was last year. i don't go out spend my time boring my friends and family about her, and have kind off given up on myself, i so want to treat her as i should have, but she has moved on and i am stuck in the past.
this is written in the hope that someone can relate to this and offer any insight.