8 Months Off Hell

back in march i split up with my ex girlfriend of about 1 year going out, we worked for the same company and although it was long distance about 2 and half hours we saw each other most weekends. to begin with she was very needy and used to text me all the time outside of work, and email at work and it was very intense i got to find out that she had been assaulted and how her last break up had resulted in her being taken in to medical care as she had a bit of a break down, i felt trapped and to be honest had a weed problem which i had told her i had stopped but other than the time we were together i was smoking in the week, but being irratable and a bit moody all the time we were together and i convinced myself that after her operation which meant she was off work for three months with me driving up most weekends that i wouldn't want to be with her, i felt trapped. she had family problems and a brother that used to terrorise her and her mum, and her dad worked away all week so they were in a horrible situation, with me being out my head on drugs then i was so self centred that i was not very supportive, and at times even tried to finish it which im not proud off and still struggle to live with. after continuing this till the new year we had broke up about 3 times and i instergated it but then would call back and sort things out. 

she went on holiday i didnt even call her and when she got back her brother had tried to punch her and i was more put out that she didnt want to talk to me, we carried on for a couple more weeks but then we had one to many arguments and we split by text.

after this i realised that i was wrong and quit weed and had to go do course and did work with a counsellor and descovered why i had acted in the way i had, i couldnt cope with someone loving me and sabotaged it, and had been cheated on by three ex's so just figured that would happen again. but then took responsibility for the monster i had become.

with working at the same company i then tried to get back together but she had decided it was too far, and we didnt speak for a while, i sent her a letter to apologise and then got the its not you its me rotuine which hurt, working in that company took me down and i couldnt cope with it and after about 3 months split she phoned up work related for the first time and for some reason i told her that i had stopped drugs which she went mental at and we spent a couple of days emailing back and forth but we got over that and it just went to NC for a while.

i lived in constant fear of the call and work depressed me so much, i stayed off weed but the emptyness off losing both things caught up with me, and in the end i had to ask to leave the job i was in and move, as it was a daily reminder of what i had lost and how bad i had behaved.

about a week before i left 08/09/09, we were chatting on email about stuff and she was making reference to how some bloke had said she was too tall to marry, and that another was saying how fit she was to her gay friend and i overreacted and accused her of doing it to hurt me, we ended up then me playing the victim and accusing her of being over me before and considering all that i did then i should have not even gone there. and we then had the last contact.

i have since started taking anti depressants and am now picking away from the office and reliving last year but not able to be who i am now and not the druggy scumbag i was last year. i don't go out spend my time boring my friends and family about her, and have kind off given up on myself, i so want to treat her as i should have, but she has moved on and i am stuck in the past.

this is written in the hope that someone can relate to this and offer any insight.

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2 Responses Oct 29, 2009

I wont go into depth, My Ex GF split with me after 5 1/2 years. We spent some amazing time and some very bad times. Its been over eight months and i still love her this will never die. I will always think about her and always wonder what she is doing. This is just normal. Everyone tell's you that time is a great healer. This is true but you must keep NC. It hurts and without a word of a lie it's killing me we spoke everyday for 5 1/2 years. seen each other as often as we could. End of the day she turned round and said she no longer loved me and that she needed space. No matter what you do you will always think about them. The best thing you can do is work out. I don't mean bulk up i mean go for a jog even a power walk. This lift's yourself esteem. When you work out you release some hormone (not sure what it is called) and this helps you take your mind away for even an hour. plus you feel better that you have worked out. It's been 8 months for me and i have few offer's for a new GF. However i am not ready. I am not happy with myself so how can i expect someone else to? Don't listen to the old saying TO GET OVER SOMEONE GET UNDER SOMEONE . It doesn't work. you only mess someone else up. <br />
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good luck guy's <br />
remember it;s not a race take your time and start enjoying you!!!!!

I can sort of relate to this. I dated a guy who was heavy on smoking pot, he was charming and and caring to begin with. I had a few issues with family and before I met him I was with someone who cheated and then instantly cut all contact with me, it shattered me. From then on I had serious trust issues and the guy who I last dated couldn't handle it. But in saying that, he treated me poorly did not respect me at all. It was like he changed into a different person overnight. He tried to break it off several time but I could not accept it and became very attached and I amitt I went overboard with my texting. His pot was more important than anything else. I know people who smoke it so he use to use me to get his hands on some thats how much he needed it. And he would only want one thing from me. I could not also handle that he had regular contacts with a couple of his exs, I was scared he would get back with one of them it became a reality. He got tired of us both arguing all the time now he is giving it a proper go with his ex. We were never ina proper relationship due to the fact he wasn't ready but now he is with her and it honestly breaks my heart, I even had a breakdown because of everything. I love and miss him so much but his pot addiction has been a big part of the situation. I wish he would do what you have done given up and realise what he has lost. Its only been two weeks of us not talking but I hope he comes around to things eventually. He should have treated me better, I deserve to be treated good. I also found out a few weeks ago that he was cheated and screwwed over by one of his exs who he was i love with so he thinks its ok to be this way and thinks he has to be in everything for himself.<br />
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Maybe you should give it time, sort yourself out. Then late on down the track give her a ring or text just tell her how you feel. And if she has completely moved on, Im sorry but you will have to do the same. You learn from these types of things, you may think you will never find any one else but you will and treat her the way she should be treated. But try and leave things on a good term with your ex. If she truely loves you she will be back in time, you need to give it time. I hope this kind of helps. I know its hard, I have been going through 10 months of hell. Keep yourself busy in the mean timeand look after yourself.. :)