Sigh...I haven't talked to him (except through text) since we broke up. The other day I was checking my voicemail, and the voicemail always (annoyingly) goes through old messages before you hear the new one. Anyway, there were two old messages from him, and listening to them hit like a ton of bricks. Just hearing his voice again..it made me really, really upset because I have always loved his voice. It was always so calming and reassuring, but now I felt like his voice was mocking me somehow. Saying, "Ha ha ha. This voice may sound calming and reassuring, but it's coming from a guy who hurt you majorly. Ha ha ha." Sounds crazy, right? But that's just the way I felt.
I miss the way he would tell me "You're so gorgeous." The way he would stroke my hair when we cuddled together. The way he looked into my eyes, I always loved his eyes. I miss hearing about his day, I miss his laugh, I miss him actually giving a crap what I am up to.
At this point, I would be very happy to simply be friends with him. It kills me knowing I may never see him in person again. Granted, I know seeing him in person would probably just send the pain rushing back, but I'm not sure I even care about that.
I find myself wondering how he can just move on so easily while I'm going through all of this. Everything, literally everything, reminds me of him. I turn on the TV, Doctor Who's on, I have to change the channel because he and I would always watch that show together. I want to play Assassin's Creed but can't because he's the one who introduced me to that video game in the first place. Everyday I see guys who remind me of him somehow, whether through their appearance, manner of speaking, whatever. It just drives me crazy.
I want to get over him but do not how. I don't even think I'll be able to date other guys, because right now the only guy I want is him. I felt so sure that us breaking up was the right thing to do, hell I know it was, but that doesn't make the pain go away. Not at all.
livingalie1 22-25, F 6 Responses 4 Sep 30, 2011