Night Or Day, They Are Both Tough To Get Through

It's been over 18 months since my ex packed up and moved away. I was totally blindsided by it, we had just celebrated our anniversy (she planned a big party, lots of friends/family). I was in shock for weeks, depression then hit and finally absolute rage. I had no contact w/her for several months. Then things got really deep, around thanksgiving we started talking (we have a house together trying to sell). She said she made a mistake wanted to work things out, so we talked. That lasted until just before Christmas and it stopped. The roller coaster started over again. The divorce was granted in March, missed getting it finalalized on her birthday by two days.Haven't spoken to or seen her since the first of November last year. I started getting on with my life, got a new job, moved away from the area and closer to family (lost house to foreclosure). Things were ok over the summer. The last few weeks though, she has come back to haunt me. It started in dreams here and there, but now its daily almost constant. I try not to think about her, when it happens I try and get focused on something else. Fact is, I miss her, I still want her, even though she screwed me like she did, I'd take her back. It isn't healthy. Perhaps it's because of where I moved to. I'm isolated from my old friends and struggle to make any new outside of work ( I am a service tech and work alone and rarely am I at the office). This is what she decided, not me. There was no talking or discussing of problems, she just up and left. I was the one who filed divorce, twice. I let the first expire, I wanted to work things out, I thought she did to.
So why, after all of the thinking, analyzing our marriage, seeing where it was bad, my faults and hers, why do I still miss her so much ? Why can't I get it through my head, that I need to take a look at me, at my life, figure out who and what I am and move on, without her. I tell myself this daily, that I am better off without her. Now if I would only believe it, maybe I wouldn't miss her. Maybe I am getting close to the edge. A lot of things in my life have been in my thoughts, but none compare to missing her. I hope and pray it will go away and soon.