I Called My Ex Today After 5 Years.
I called him today- after leaving him over 5 years ago and being married and having kids and not talking to him for almost 5 years. I love my husband, but I still love my ex-boyfriend. I didn't think that what we had was enough because I wasn't fully satisfied with him. When I was with him, I constantly thought of the man who is now my husband. Now that I am married, I constantly think of my ex. Anyways, I dreamed about him last night. I dreamed that I saw him and apologized for the way that I broke his heart and then I told him that I was leaving my husband and his face said, 'I want to be with you", but he said nothing. Today, after 5 years of resisting calling him, I couldn't resist anymore and I called him while my husband was at work. I just wanted to talk to him and make sure that he was okay and I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. His current girlfriend answered the phone and then while I was on the phone with him, in the backround she realized who I was and yelled, "Why don't you just ******* die, *****?!" My conversation with him was so strained and awkward. I felt like he wanted to say so much more, but his girlfriend was there. I told him that I didn't want to interrupt his life, but that I just wanted to tell him that he was always a good friend to me and that I didn't mean to hurt him and that I was sorry that I did and that even though we agreed to stay in touch and stay close friends, that I thought it was best to make a clean break so that we could move on. He told me that he didn't hold anything against me and that he understood that I had to follow my heart. I said to him a few times, "If this is totally weird- if you don't want to talk to me- I completely understand and I'll hang up right now and you'll never hear from me again. I just wanted to know how you were doing." He kept answering, "This is just unexpected." I felt like he wanted to talk. He asked me how my husband was doing, in a tone that was really, "Is he making you happy?" He knew that I have kids, so he has been keeping tabs on me somehow. God, I wish we could have talked for hours, but I knew that I was being so innappropriate calling him in the first place- especially now knowing that he has finally moved on and had his girlfriend right there. God, I was so selfish to do that just to ease my own conscience. I'm sure that I didn't do anything positive for his life. I'm never going to stop thinking about him. I love my husband, but I love my ex, too. I love them in different ways for the different traits that they have. Neither satisfy me completely. Too bad I can't have both. :(