My Mistake

My darling, I love you. I love you still four years after leaving and I always will. When I met you I was 18, so starry eyed and vulnerable, yet wise beyond my years. You were 34, much to my parents dismay, and through your life's own hardships withdrawn and almost child-like. You spoke my language - we were artists - each completing the other. My passions were yours and the fire of our love was undeniable. The music, the art, the love, I hung on your every word. No one believed what we could achieve together...but I did.
We went through so much. The love and the loss. The death the despair. Ten years of success and failure. I couldn't hold on, even though I built my life around you. You turned your back on me and could be so cruel sometimes, oh but so could I. The day I left I was in tears. I abandoned my dreams and started a new career, a new life, but I never forgot you. I said good-bye and told you not to call. You respected my wishes. Why am I so proud? I couldn't get hurt again by things not working out with you but oh, if only you could crawl into my heart and experience the hell I live without you. I don't know what you're doing now. I hope you are okay. Fate gave me a new job just a mile up the road from the home we shared so now I drive by every day. Hoping against hope to get a glance of you. To see how you look. To hope you are happy, yet dreading to see you with someone new. Replacing me. Loving you. I suffer in silence. I spent two years alone. I have been seeing someone for a few years now but it is lukewarm at best. He doesn't know that I am miserable. No one can replace you in my mind, my heart. The things I have done cannot be undone. I never asked you, you never said, but I am sure there is no forgiveness in your heart for me. Even though it didn't work out - you moved on for your past flame. I would forgive you for anything and everything. If only you could have been a little more respectful. If only I could have been a little more supportive. When I prayed that you would ask me to marry you (before my father died) you didn't. When you finally did I couldn't (too painful without my dad) What if none of this had ever happened?  What if you feel the same way?  I guess I'll never know because I don't have the courage, and short of personally barging in on your life - no way to contact you.  How messy that would be if you had a new girl.  I suffer in silence.  No one knows.  No one cares.  I can't tell anyone how I feel.  I smile my fake smile and go through my day as I die on the inside every second.  Everyday.  I love you baby.  Forever and always.  Four years later.  Nothing helps.  Nothing stops it.  Time is supposed to heal?  Yeah right.  In another year I think I will be eaten alive by this despair.  My darling, with your beautiful blue eyes, nervous smile, and amazing talent.  I just can't do this anymore.  If only I could forget tristesse durera....
sadnessendures sadnessendures
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 28, 2012

So sad. I hope you fine peace of mind and continue to move on.