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The Green Light

I hopped into the shower gingerly. I was afraid I’d slip.. my body was so weak. I don’t understand why…so weak that I was afraid of my physical stability..it was slowly but SURELY tearing down my already wavering emotional stability. I’m not making sense…

My legs are weak.. I spiraled into a gory fantasy. I’d slip, fall and hit my head on the sink or toilet bowl.. maybe I’d snap my neck, maybe I’d develop an aneurysm and fade away when I LEAST expect it… and then comes peace. He was my solace.. where do I find it now? In death? No I’m not going to DIE for a man. But, if death is in the horizon, who am I to contest fate?

I did not die in the shower… I made it back to my room. I had been hiding offline on msn. THE GREEN LIGHT! I broke into a smile! A WIDE smile.. I haven’t smiled properly in days. He was online! He used to be online for me .. but maybe he’s online for HER now.. my smile faded…

Give me the green light.. if only the MSN green light indicating that he was online was the green light for me. He hasn’t forgotten me!!! .. Then again, he hasn’t said a word on MSN. Was he even thinking of me? Fat chance.. he has FORGOTTEN ME!

Usually he’d call me, say he’s home and online, waiting for me to get on. We’d watch something together.. chat.. and go to sleep together. I know why I’m not sleeping. I can’t hear him snore anymore..can’t hear him breathe.. it was SO SOOTHING..I loved the gentle lull of the rise and fall of his adorable chest and he lay tucked into his cozy smackey bed.

I do have a video he took of him sleeping though. HE took it for me when he went traveling. Just to get me through the night. Should I chuck it on? Then where’s the clean break? .. Surely I can sleep without him!

He’s so adorable… He talks in his sleep. He laughs in his sleep. Sometimes he dreams of Street Fighter- that he has reached a high score. He gets excited in his sleep… I don’t have the smell of his armpits with me anymore.. I know it’s weird.. but it’s SO BEAUTIFUL to me! I chucked away his smelly T Shirt.. the smell that got me through my lonely nights…. Only an empty bed awaits me now..Was I too rash?

It’s not green anymore.. it’s yellow.. he’s away. He has left.. left my heart..left to be with HER. Maybe he’s talking to her now..he’s giving her the kisses that belonged to me.. the laughter he shared with ME…. give me the Green light bubba.. I … I .. m i s s… you…
An Ep User An EP User 2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

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:) yeah.. i preferred the couch before he saved me... and it's back to the couch again... the only other thing that comes close to comfort is the warmth of my dog..

I'm sorry....I hope your heart heals soon (:

Such a broken heart....very sorry for your pain. I understand how difficult it is to sleep in an empty bed. I don't sleep in mine anymore. I prefer the couch or futon so when I wake up in the middle of the night I can watch TV while I try to fall asleep again.