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He Treated Me Like He Never Cared About Me But I Still Miss Him And Love Him.

When I look back to the day I got married, I never wanted to marry my Husband. We had been living together for almost 2 years when I started working a second job to save up some money to get my own place. He was doing drugs (pot) and when I asked him to stop he would laugh at me and tell me no. Him and his friend would make fun of me and make me feel like crap. So I found out I was pregnant and I told him he either needed to knock it off and grow up or I was leaving and taking the baby with me. We got married 2 months later and things were okay for a very short time. Right from the beginning, I would be in tears almost all the time. He never made me feel like I was loved even though he told me all the time. He continued to smoke pot and I did take the baby and leave one night and after that I do believe he stopped.

We now have 3 kids together and over the years things have not really improved. He never did things I asked him to, I always felt his druggie friend meant more to him than I did. Whenever his friend needed something from him, he was always right there for him but I never got that same consideration. He was an absolute slob and when i worked on the weekends, I would come home to a complete mess that would take me DAYS to clean up.

Anytime we got into an argument over how he made me feel, I was apologizing to HIM for my behaviour. He NEVER showed any remorse or guilt when he made me feel bad or hurt. 

Some of things that he has done that made me feel like he didn't care included not driving me to the ER when I lacerated my throat. I had to have my neighbors take me. Our first son was born 6 weeks early by c-section so I was not allowed to drive yet he went back to work the week after he was born and only took time off after he came home from the NICU. I drove myself to the hospital every day while he was in. Our daughter had to be flown to a pediatric hospital when she had RSV and the whole week she was there, I was by myself, he went back to work. He has left me alone on Mother's Day to help his druggie friend move.

Three years ago he lost his job because he was involved in an accident at work. He fled the scene because he was going to have to take a pee test and he knew he would fail it. The cops were never involved, he was fired for fleeing the scene of an accident. Two years later I discovered pot in his pants while I was doing the laundry. I called the cops on him and threw him out of the house. I don't really remember missing him then. He was out 3 months and I let him back him because I needed help with our children. Our youngest was a year old at the time.

He blamed me for his pot smoking. He had a way of making me feel like everything was my fault and if I was upset about something he did, then there was a problem with me. These last two years have probably been the worst. I thought after he moved back in things would be a little better but he quickly reverted to his old behaviour and at this point I would get so angry at him that I would want to hit him. Instead I put holes in the walls of our home. He would tell me that I have anger management issues and that I needed mental help.

Over the course of the marriage, we had gone to marriage counseling twice. He doesn't feel there is anything wrong with him and that everything is my fault. The last marriage counselor told him I had every right to be angry and that he needed to allow me to be angry.

I have said some horrible nasty things to him while I was angry as well. I told him I wished he was dead and that I would slit his throat with a bottle. I was not a nice person when he made me feel like crap.

My husband told me in October that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. This was after we had been having the best relationship status ever. We had gone to Virginia on vacation and while there he was the kind, caring, considerate husband I had always wanted. I was so happy. I thought he finally got it! I was falling back in love with him all over again. So naturally I was devastated when he told me wanted a divorce.

The week he was to move out, I discovered evidence that he was most likely having an affair. I confronted him with the info and his behavior cemented in my mind this affair. I threw him out of the house that day.

2 weeks later, my kids go to stay at his house as part of our custody arrangement. I find out from my 5 year old that the girlfriend stayed the night. I spoke to her on the phone and she tells me there wasn't anything going on over the summer and that they only started sleeping together 4 DAYS after he moved out!!!

I was more devastated than I have ever been. I know I FELT like he didn't care at all about me when we were married but this confirmed his true feelings for me and I was hurt that I had wasted all those years with him.

We argued over the seating arrangement in his car after he moved out. He REFUSED to put the youngest's car seat in the middle of the car where it was safer and let my oldest sit with the shoulder belt. I could not talk any reason into him. I tried showing him a safety video with no luck. He also did not think there was anything wrong with the kids having met the new girlfriend so soon after he moved out. He was quick to point out what the experts thought about shared custody but not what they thought about the girlfriend. He wouldn't look at me, he spoke curtly to me and when he needed something from the house, for the kids he was in and out as quick as he could.

Here is the part where I miss him. The first week he had the kids, I cried every day. I couldn't eat anything (I actually lost 12 pounds). I spoke to him on the phone the day I was to get the kids back and when he dropped the kids off at my house that day, we talked some more about the situation. I miss the essence of him. I told him that we get along just fine as long as we are not living in the same house and that I still wanted to have sex with him. I didn't even care that he was sleeping with this other girl. That was on Friday. We had sex that day and then he slept with the girlfriend that night. I slept with him again on Saturday.

I know what I am doing is wrong but when he stands here in my kitchen and looks at me with those eyes and pulls me close to him I just want him back. I don't miss any of the things he did to me or how he made me feel but I miss that comfort level that was attained after 10 years of being with him. I told him last night that I would be perfectly content living this way but he won't give up the girlfriend. I now feel like I am the secret woman. He told me that if I tell her about this, he will never sleep with me again.

I now also feel like I was the failing factor in the marriage even though I have been told that I could not fix the marriage by myself if there was no effort on his part. In my head I know this. But my heart feels otherwise. I know he can be a loving person because he has proven it to me. He also told me he didn't know if he wanted to do it all the time. He has made me feel like I was not worth the effort.

I hate waking up in the morning knowing he is probably in her bed cuddling with her.  He has agreed to this arrangement but I know there is going to come a time when he will make more of a commitment to either this girl or another one and I am going to have to deal with these feelings at some point. I just can't stand that aching hole I have left inside of me. It wasn't there when I kicked him out 2 years ago.

Cyrren Cyrren 31-35, F 5 Responses Jan 3, 2010

Your Response


you have been living w a passive aggressive man all these years, look up life w a passive agressive man and i bet you say omg this has been my life.... men treat you the way you let them , he has his cake and eats it to and the fact that you allow this lets me know you have very low self esteem and that is how a passive aggressive man gets you but you have value and should not let him use you like that , he looses respect for you each time you do it and you loose more and more respect for yourself making you a weaker and weaker woman... nothing gets a mans attention better than cutting them off and ignoring them and standing up for yourself and being a strong woman who has respect for themselves... try that for a change and he will change his tune real fast.... you should value yourself or nobody else will , focus on you and not him and he will respect you more....good luck

While I can't relate to the responsibilities of having children I can relate to your sense of having felt alone and second to the pot smoking. I have myself been left alone on weekends while my boyfriend (now ex) felt the need to go out and get drunk with his friends. Drug or alcohol use simply has no place in a mature, adult relationship. I try to remind myself everyday, but sadly as time passes the reasons you broke up become less clear, because they no longer affect you in your single state. Then the memories of all the crying and dissapointment you felt start to fade on you and you're left confused. Try to remember the feelings he made you feel when he wasn't there for you, when he treated you like your concerns didn't matter. It does take effort on both sides. Unfortunately that one was hard for me to learn too. It was only after 2 therapists said the same thing that I thought, hey maybe I really can't just try harder. The point is you tried and he didn't, and he's still not trying. Nothing really has changed. Its time to move on. Good luck!

I was married to a drug addict for 28 yrs. Always thought things were my fault too. It is not you!!! I finally had the courage to leave and I never looked back. Once a cheater always a cheater and a drug addict never changes in my opinion. Been divorced 4 yrs now and he is the same drug addict I left. They have a way of making you feel like its all your fault and they try to beat you down. You are a strong person...stronger than you think. Break the cycle for yourself and your kids. Go the No Contact rule unless it has to do with the kids and move on with your life. You deserve to be treated better.

I myself am finding it hard to get over a break-up, but unlike you my ex has a new girl but him and I don't have any contact. DIAGA made a ver important point, what example are you setting for your children. I have a son and he knows that I respect myself enough not to let anyone disrespect me, or even worse letting my son see me settle or be disrespected. <br />
This is a game now to your ex, and your his game piece on his board, DON'T ALLOW HIM TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. Yes, he is with someone else, but you sleeping with isn't changing that. People, women and men, we all take advantage of situations from time to time, and he's taking advantage of this one. Stop for a moment and imagine how he feels, he's viewing himself as the ruler of your happiness or sadness, and you can't be mad because this is the power you handed to me. Since he's playing a game you need to wake up and get your head in the game, put your foot down and let him know,"I'm worth more than playing mistress to one of your random girlfriends". I guarantee you it's gonna be hard to stand up, but in the long run you'll feel such much better about yourself, and he may never say it but he'll definitely gain a lot of respect for you. <br />
I learned a long time ago, PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO TREAT YOU!! You have given him the impression that you're weak, but your not, don't tell him anything else about how you feel about him or how you feel about his relationships. PUT GOD FIRST, focus on you and your kids, and everything else will fall into place then your ex will feel like he's on the outside looking in. I wish you the absolute best, I know it's hard but it 'll get better. I speak what I've experienced not what I heard, just imagine how wonderful it will be when you look back on this experience as one of life's journey and smile to know you made it through a stronger women and mother.

wow, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. However, you sound like a really strong woman. Do not forget that you are worth more than you are putting up with this guy. Your ex sounds like he just found someone else to take his crap. Sorry for her and you, because he is not taking either of you seriously. See even if you decide to work out this relationship, most likely, he will cheat forever. Try to look inside and ask yourself why you are putting yourself through this pain? Is it because you feel you lost a sense of control, do you think maybe it's territorial. Also, if you cannot do it for it for your children. If you have any girls probably wouldn't want them taking crap from no man...and if you have boys you would want them to able to have a healthy and stable relationship. I know how difficult it can be especially after so many years, but with time and space you will get him out of your system. When he comes over do not allow him to come in to the house...try dropping off the kids at his home or get a relative to be at home so when he comes to pick them up you are not there. You are in pain right now, and when we are in so much pain we tend not to see clearly. I went through the emotions with my ex...and he was just plain dirty about how he went about it. He played me like a game and all for the excitment of it, and at one moment I found myself saying i am going to stay with him because she is not going to take him from me...but I knew I would have never trusted him again...two weeks after finding out he cheated on me I moved out. I would get up at 3 in the morning crying my eyes out, but at one point I felt free. Free from all the crap I had to deal with when we were together. He not only smoke a lot of pot but he drank everyday. He wasn't a bad person, but he wasn't good for me. I thank the lord I am not with him today. You spent enough time on a man that did nothing for you not panic because of your comfort zone. Change is in your presense, embrass it.