No One Will Ever Know Me Like He Did

My ex and I met during my senior year (his junior year) of high school. It was an instant attraction but problems with mutual friends kept us from admitting how we felt about each other. I was friends with his brother who was a senior as well, and as graduation approached I spent more and more time over their house and therefore more and more time with him. It didn't take long after school was over for us to finally admit to how we felt and we decided to go out. For a year and a half our relationship was the best thing I had ever experienced. We were crazy about each other. We fought, but it was over petty things and we usually would just both start crying and apologizing profusely and move on. However, we started fighting about his friends, especially one in particular. She had gone to high school with us as well, graduating in his class. She was wild and reckless, always drinking and smoking despite the fact that she's diabetic and was always sleeping with a new guy, who usually had a girlfriend. While their relationship had definitely only been friendly for the first year and a half of our relationship, I slowly saw the signs of her moving in on him. She began to talk about me negatively and tell him that normal couples don't fight the way we did. He began to avoid talking to me on the phone when he was with her (they went to the same college, I was two hours away) and continuously asked me not to tell her that I had seen him while I was home because he would tell her they couldn't make plans because he wasn't allowed to leave the house. Eventually, all of the fighting over this friend led to our breakup, which I know was what she wanted but the fighting became too much for him. We didn't speak for almost a year, except a phone call to wish each other a happy birthday. During the fall of my senior year in college, however, things changed. His family had a farm upstate four hours away from home, two hours from my school; I was the halfway point. He and his brother had stopped by on their way just to say hi and an argument between us ensued. Not about any blame, but about our feelings for each other and how we wanted to handle it. Halfway through a sentence he just stopped and kissed me, and I felt exactly the same as I had when we first kissed and every kiss after that. For the next nine months he continued to come up and see me at school and we kept it on the DL from everyone at home except his parents, and all of my friends at school knew about it. I was so happy again, he was back in my life. Unfortunately, I began to hear stories from people at home about how they heard that he had been going out with this girl and that girl, a few of which were during the time we were hooking up again. I was frustrated but knew that I couldn't prove that he was so I chose to ignore it. During my senior formal, he came as my date, but spent he night on his phone trying to call the friend who had caused all of the problems before. The last straw was when I came out of the bathroom of the hotel room we had to ourselves and he was on the phone. He hung it up, threw it across the room and said "Stupid *****. She's probably to busy ******* another guy to answer my calls." I was furious, but didn't say anything. In fact, I haven't said anything to him since that night. When he took me back to my apartment the next morning and went to kiss me goodbye, I turned and gave him my cheek. He knew I was mad and stormed out. That was the last time I saw him. 

It's been almost a year and I'm really starting to miss him again. I'm realizing now that he had a way of knowing how I was feeling without me saying a word; he could tell just by looking at me or hearing my voice. And he always knew what to do to either fix it, or just to let me cry and talk about it. It's beginning to sink in that I'm most likely never going to find a relationship like that with another person. I can't even tell my friends that I miss him, let alone other problems that are going on. Half the time I didn't even have to tell him, he could just tell. He was truly my best friend and now I feel so alone without him, but I also think that I'm just missing the good times and the hurt that came with him towards the end gets put on the back burner. I thought I was over him until I actually picked up my phone to call him last month. Thank goodness I realized what I was doing before I connected the call. Since then though, I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if I was doing the wrong thing by not confronting him about the friend. But that doesn't even matter now, I pushed him out of my life and I have to deal with those consequences

montee87 montee87
22-25, F
Apr 13, 2010