My Family Has Fallen Apart Before My Eyes. I'm Lonley and Sad and I Wish Things Would Get Better.
Over the past six months my family has completely fallen apart. I guess it's always been pretty messed up though. My father was an alcoholic with the most wacked ideas about the world and how things should be. He made me feel worthless and ignored me ever since I learned to think for myself. As most young girls do, I wanted to have nice clothes. He verbally abused me, calling me names constantly becuase my views differed from his. He was a man with a trust fund which gave me further reason to believe he felt i didn't deserve anything. To this day I feel absolutely worthless. There just isn't a way for me to describe him. He cared more about world politics than his family but he only had a steady job for about 3 years out of the 20 years my parents were married. I know it could have been worse. He was an avid drug user, mostly marijuana and cocaine. He hid it quite well but my brother inherited his love for weed. He has been arrested 3 times and he is only 16 years old. My parents got divorced 6 months ago and my dad moved out of the U.S to belize. I have only heard from him a few times, not recently but I don't really care about that. I am convinced that he never loved me and never wanted me to begin with. So thats fine. But he left us in bad shape financially. becuase he is out of the country he is not legally made to pay his child support so my mother works 80 hrs a week. Althought I am over 18 and do not recieve child support she is still trying to permit my brothers to live a normal life, basically by giving them everything they want. She thinks she has to do the opposite of what my dad did to make my brothers feel it is better without them around. My 16 year old brother takes advantage of her and wants more and more every day. He does not work and spends all of my moms money on drugs and fast food. She can't say no to him becuase he breaks things and goes crazy. It breaks my heart. My litle brother used to be my buddy and someone I could talk to even though he's only 12. Since all he has seen is fighting and anger between my mom and brother he is becoming mean and aggressive. It breaks my heart yet since my mom puts me down in front of them constantly by calling me names they have learned to have little respect for me. My mom and I used to be extremely close. SHe was my best friend. After the divorce, I did anything for her. I drove home an hour from college whenever she needed a babysitter and I rarely asked for anything although I am a full time pre med college student. She has begun to take me for granted, taking out all of her frustration on me. I don't know why. I dont know what I did to make her feel it is okay to treat me like that. I will never understand. My best friend, who i have done everything for, began dating my brother and no longer talks to me. I did everything for her, gave her clothes and always listened to her many problems. I even stood by her side after her ex-boyfriend spit in MY face for defending her. She got back together with him the day after. Now I have a boyfriend who loves me but it never around. He owns 2 businesses and doesn't have time for me. He has made it possible for me to move out and to get away from the family who doesn't care about me. But i still cry every day and every night. I feel lonley, worthless and tired constantly. I wear a heart moniter becuase i frequently pass out due to stress induced illness. My life was never supposed to be like this. I am 19 years old, attending an Ivy league college in which i recieved a very high grade point average my freshman year, working two jobs just to get by. I feel like I am doing good things yet it's like im invisible to the people who i am supposed to matter to. When will it get better.