My Family Has Fallen Apart Before My Eyes. I'm Lonley and Sad and I Wish Things Would Get Better.

Over the past six months my family has completely fallen apart. I guess it's always been pretty messed up though.  My father was an alcoholic with the most wacked ideas about the world and how things should be.  He made me feel worthless and ignored me ever since I learned to think for myself.  As most young girls do, I wanted to have nice clothes. He verbally abused me, calling me names constantly becuase my views differed from his.  He was a man with a trust fund which gave me further reason to believe he felt i didn't deserve anything.  To this day I feel absolutely worthless. There just isn't a way for me to describe him. He cared more about world politics than his family but he only had a steady job for about 3 years out of the 20 years my parents were married.  I know it could have been worse.  He was an avid drug user, mostly marijuana and cocaine. He hid it quite well but my brother inherited his love for weed.  He has been arrested 3 times and he is only 16 years old.  My parents got divorced 6 months ago and my dad moved out of the U.S to belize.  I have only heard from him a few times, not recently but I don't really care about that.  I am convinced that he never loved me and never wanted me to begin with.  So thats fine. But he left us in bad shape financially. becuase he is out of the country he is not legally made to pay his child support so my mother works 80 hrs a week. Althought I am over 18 and do not recieve child support she is still trying to permit my brothers to live a normal life, basically by giving them everything they want.  She thinks she has to do the opposite of what my dad did to make my brothers feel it is better without them around. My 16 year old brother takes advantage of her and wants more and more every day. He does not work and spends all of my moms money on drugs and fast food. She can't say no to him becuase he breaks things and goes crazy. It breaks my heart. My litle brother used to be my buddy and someone I could talk to even though he's only 12. Since all he has seen is fighting and anger between my mom and brother he is becoming mean and aggressive. It breaks my heart yet since my mom puts me down in front of them constantly by calling me names they have learned to have little respect for me. My mom and I used to be extremely close.  SHe was my best friend.  After the divorce, I did anything for her.  I drove home an hour from college whenever she needed a babysitter and I rarely asked for anything although I am a full time pre med college student.  She has begun to take me for granted, taking out all of her frustration on me. I don't know why. I dont know what I did to make her feel it is okay to treat me like that. I will never understand.  My best friend, who i have done everything for, began dating my brother and no longer talks to me.  I did everything for her, gave her clothes and always listened to her many problems.  I even stood by her side after her ex-boyfriend spit in MY face for defending her.  She got back together with him the day after.  Now I have a boyfriend who loves me but it never around.  He owns 2 businesses and doesn't have time for me.  He has made it possible for me to move out and to get away from the family who doesn't care about me.  But i still cry every day and every night.  I feel lonley, worthless and tired constantly.  I wear a heart moniter becuase i frequently pass out due to stress induced illness. My life was never supposed to be like this.  I am 19 years old, attending an Ivy league college in which i recieved a very high grade point average my freshman year, working two jobs just to get by. I feel like I am doing good things yet it's like im invisible to the people who i am supposed to matter to. When will it get better.

thisucks4908 thisucks4908 18-21 8 Responses Jun 16, 2009

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Sorry to hear about all your family problems etc, but don't worry too much it will all work out for you, you won't stay with the man you are sort of with now as he loves you but is not in love with you but you will meet another soon after and he will be the one. Stay with your study and all will work out, this I know for sure (psychic).
I don't have to wish you good luck as you won't need it.

it always saddens me to hear of situations like your. Long ago I realized that "father" is all to frequently just a biological function. I guess you never really had a "dad" :(

Your father (and his financial support) leaving, certainly upset the balance in your familys' lives. People deal with stress in many ways, but all to frequently they turn to lashing out at those closest to them. It may be painful, but I fear the only thing you can do it to remove yourself from the situation (which you have done), and wait & hope they work through their problems and conflicts. Its a hard choice, but I think for the best.

You might want to try this. tell yourself you are a good person. I suggest this frequently, most don't bother but those that do and stick with it seem to be amazed that they actually start to believe it and believe in themselves.

good luck, stay in school, and focus on your classes. Its probably just as well that your b/f is too busy at this time, I doubt you need yet another distraction.

I am a 53 years old men, that arrived to your chat because I feel sad , and lonley. I have a 20 years old daughter, that lives withs with us and also faces social problems.

Sometimes and for some of us life is not pleasant.

I think here's a way.. get out, break the situacion . But most of the times we are not brave enough. as I say to may self:

I'm suffereing with my cowardice

be brave and try to be happy

i'm in the same situation as you except my mom is nice and I'm even 19 and in college to be a RN. Listen finish college and dont get pregnant by that guy cuz you will be stuck you see how are dads turned out. Your gunna make it your smart girl you just need to focus on school and try to talk to your mom and tell her mom i'm accomplishing a very hard goal, becoming a doctor. I'm going to help you survive when I'm done I love you but I don't want to be treated like **** we need to stick together because dad is gone. Tell her that and I hope everything works for you. God bless us.

i'm in the same situation as you except my mom is nice and I'm even 19 and in college to be a RN. Listen finish college and dont get pregnant by that guy cuz you will be stuck you see how are dads turned out. Your gunna make it your smart girl you just need to focus on school and try to talk to your mom and tell her mom i'm accomplishing a very hard goal, becoming a doctor. I'm going to help you survive when I'm done I love you but I don't want to be treated like **** we need to stick together because dad is gone. Tell her that and I hope everything works for you. God bless us.

Your father's alcoholism and cocaine use would have made him very, very difficult; even adults would probably have had difficulties relating to him, and you were a child. None of this was your fault. You were not useless, your father was.

As for your mother, she is probably filled with guilt, so when your brother started smoking weed and getting into trouble it made her feel terrible and she over compensated. Because you and initially your younger brother, were no trouble, she did not have to concentrate on you. Unfortunately, your younger brother is learning that the only way to get her attention is to act out.

You are probably better off out of the situation, at least at present. It will also give your mother a bit of time to realise what a great daughter you were if she is not able to take your help for granted day to day. Instead, concentrate on your studies, your friends and beginning to create the life you really want.

As for the absent boyfriend, you may want to think about whether you really want him in your life either. OK, he is a step up from your verbally abusive and demeaning father, but if he cannot spend time with you when you are this distressed, what good is he going to be to you when you start getting your life back on track. Having a decent work/life balance is one of the main contributory factors in having a decent relationship, be it boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. I know you feel grateful to him, and he has helped you out of an impossible environment at home, which makes him a good friend - but does it really make him good boyfriend material. Don't you want more?

Both the above people have made good points. (Not sure about your beliefs, so I am unsure how much comfort menaal's remarks are.)

Remember, you know yourself better than any of us know you, so take any advice from us that seems relevant and reject any that does not fit.

Sorry to hear this. I have had a roller coaster of a life too although due to very different reasons but I can relate as I too have excelled academically but suffered on the family front.

First of all look at the positive things in your life:

Your ivy league education

your BF whose supporting you even when he is busy

Your smart mind

so youre not absolutely alone or deprived. When God closes a door he opens a window.

I have gone through a stage in my life where I realsied that God DOES exist and we just need to reach out to Him. He also does not burden us beyond what we can bear, even if it seems otherwise. When the mess seems totally over the top, its time to call upon God. Pray, pray and pray. meditate. I'll tell you my personal meditiation technique. Try doing it at 4 or 5 am if you can manage it. Talk to God. Tell him you submit to Him and you need him as NO one else can see you through things as they are now. Lay out your feelings. With God there is no holding back. Talk as long as you need to. Pray in earnest and ask for guidance, peace and love. Trust me its very very calming and liberating.

Realise that what does not kill usm makes us stronger and wiser. Whatever is happening is happening for a reason and trials and tribulations are part and parcel of life. They help us put things in perspective. Mark my words for you WILL see this happening in a few years as I have.

Hope that helps.

Hi. Please don't look at my profile - or if you do believe me when I say it's a battle of my own.

Otherwise, you have a hard tale to tell there. Thank you for telling it. People don't do that to others they love deliberately. Your Mum doesn't realise it because it's been a gradual transition - you were able to forgive a lot, then slightly more and slightly more etc. Your line was always there, but you didn't notice when she crossed it so it feels like it was sudden.

Your brother is exhibiting textbook behaviour for a child treated in this way by the person supposed to be showing him responsibility: spoilt.

Your best friend will not remember you listening to her - not consciously. She will have twisted it into chatting with a friend, and told herself over and over that nothing was ever wrong for you to listen to. It's a crying shame, but it happens. Friendship is about taking as well as giving - you have needs too, and people need to start realising that. Have confidence that you can ask things of people - and those who give are truly your friends.

I don't know what else to say, other than please please don't do anything stupid - the world needs more people like you around, not less. Put yourself out there for other people. Your family may be a mess, and it's left you a wreck. However, there are people out there who will talk to you, and bounce views off you to see what happens. You'll find inspiration there somewhere.

A source of help (you sound very qualified to give it I must say) is horsesmouth. Please look it up - your experiences could well save someone's life, and someone else's could save yours.

Finally, do something you'd like to do, solely because you want to. Anything - dance, draw, write, run, pick any sport and play; anything. Oh and yell at your Mum. Understand exactly what's happened, and you will come across the stronger. It'll break her heart if she realises the situation she's put you all in, but you'll be there to catch her - you have to realise when it's sunk in and stop battering her verbally then - you're family. Family's strong.

All the best, young one (I'm 22). Take care and make sure you're studying because you want to! Oh and if a guy doesn't have time for you - you should really get out before it turns ugly.