I Still Miss Him...

Well actually, my Father died on 31 May 2000. So it’s almost 10 years now. It was the day before Acentions Day which is also known as Father’s Day. Well it definitely was both for me. I’m sure I’ll never forget this date.

Even though a long time has elapsed, there are still days when I truly miss him. HoliIdays of course, like Christmas or other special days in life. There are so many things in my life which he couldn’t see. And I regret not only that lost my father, but although that I lost the time that I could have spend with him.

 

My father died 4 days before my 18th Birthday. It’s the age when you legally become an adult in my country. He helped me planning a big party, which we didn’t celebrated in the end.

He and my Mom were both admitted into the hospital during one week. My father should get a bypass in one of his legs. We, I mean Mom and we Kids, we didn’t know that he was serious ill. We thought it was just a standard surgery. Well he was a heavy smoker and he had lost one of his fingers because of cancer half a year ago, but we thought that this was the only affected part of his body. When he died the cancer was in almost every part of his body. He must have known about his condition and his chances when he was admitted into the hospital. He was a theatre nurse after all. I guess he didn’t want us to worry, so he didn’t told us how seriously his condition was. We visited him the day before his surgery and I was able to say him goodbye, even though I didn’t know that it would be the last.

 

Like I said my mother was at the hospital at the same time. The doctors diagnosed her with benign brain tumor. Her surgery lasted four hours. She was completely healed and she doesn’t have any health problems today. The time of death of my father was 15 minutes after my mother woke up for her anesthesia. Perhaps he wanted to make sure that she is okay. The last time she saw him was when the taken her to the hospital, cause the two hospitals are around 50 kilometers apart.

 

The hospital contacted my younger sister (14 years old then) first, than she called me (17) and we called my older sister (26). Together we went to the hospital to see him one last time and to collect his personal belongings. Then we drove to Mom’s hospital. She was still at the intensive care unitand the doctor told us that we are not allowed to tell her the truth about his death. So we had to lie when she asked about him. That was really hard. The next day she was transferred to a normal station and the doctor said that we could tell her.

 

It was really hard time. Remembering that time still hurts but it is part of my past. Part of my life and my life goes on. Even ten years later I still miss him, but it’s not a constant pain anymore. It’s part of who I am.

After his death I swore to myself, that I’ll try to be happy and to live every day of my life without regrets. Well, it doesn’t always work. But I do my best.

tayen tayen
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 18, 2010

Your welcome Tayen. Time does pass fast and there is so much to experience both happy and sad. You are working through it and of course only you can do that. Wish you well. <br />
<br />
Raven

I already feel better this morning. I guess it was to much at once yesterday evening. Sometimes sleep really helps. ;-) <br />
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Well when you loose someone you love, it’s always hard to find the right words. I guess there is nothing you can say which would fit for the feelings in this situation. <I> It simply doesn’t cut it. It’s just another empty phrase. But it‘s better than saying nothing. <br />
<br />
We all loose people we love in our lifes. We all get to know this pain sooner or later. We don’t choose it and we can’t prevent it. It helps me to know that there are others who truly understand. And I hope that they have friends or family who help, like I do. <br />
<br />
After my fathers death I realized, that I don’t wanted to waste my life. Time passes so fast and we get buried in our daily problems. I just want to do my best. <br />
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Ahh. I wrote to much again. Actually I simply wanted to say: “Thanks, Raven”.

I think everyone has been silent because this is such an intense thing. I have lost both of my parents and actually used to cry at the thought of them dying when I was only 13. There are events in life which change you, and this is one of the greatest. For it is one of the greatest proofs to us beyond all that has been said of death- that we are mortal. <br />
<br />
Raven