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I Miss Him So Much, At Night It Hurt So Bad,im Forced To Muffle My Face With A Pillow To Hide The Screams

It's been almost nine months ince taylors death, and i still feel like a torn apart terrible person on the inside, i would say im feeling regretful and in some ways hating myself for it. I left public high school, after being beaten up 4 time's, and assaulted 3 time's, i couldn't handle the daily ridicule, and emberassment every day anymore. without him their at the end of the day, it seemed pointless.

 

Even my therapist, isnt solving my problem, i still feel the same i did, the moment i got the life changing email from diana. the past month, ive had dreams of watching him die, and frankly its changing the kind of person i am. i feel restless, full of anxiety, because of these dreams, thoughts, their all i think about.

I dont know what i want in my life anymore, these months you've been gone, feel like the many years ahead that im going to be alone. Sometimes i find myself waking  up at 2am, or in the middle of a nap thinking your on the other side of the phone, telling me its a dire emergency your crying your eyes, out and that you need me more than anything right now. only to wake up realizing my phone is on silent, and nobodies their.

 

I just wish god would lead me in the right direction and not the wrong, im tired of fighting i want my dad back, but i can never forgive him for his soulful belated birthday wishes, so death, and a departed father, two of my biggest problems i cant yet learn to deal with. To my dad i feel like a ghost, better yet a stranger. that at one point in time meant everything to him. my dad and i are alike in one way, we dont have the heart to tell the truth, but body language says everything.

 

Thanks to david, i realized what ive never realized before. im that gay kid, who is in hopes to someday get a random phone call from his father saying hey son, grab your brother, and your boyfriend, lets have a boys day out, at a baseball game or something. But all a kid, can do is dream right? Who am i to think, i will ever have a father, who love's me with the added decorations of being gay. sometimes i think im tuid for thinking i will ever get a such phone call because some things are impossible.

Its not too much to ask, but ill always have to remember my daddy doesnt want the daric with the added decoartions he wants the ghost of daric, who at one point in time, was insecure, and percieved to his perception of a perfect son, but i refuse to go back into the closet. Im sorry dad im sorry i screwed up your life of having three straight girl loving boys.

 

At one point in time you told me i chose this, but i didnt wake up one day, " oh ill go gay, so my parents, and family will hate me, I cannot help i like men, its part of my life, a life apparently my dad will never be part of. in the circle of my dad and his perfect two kids, i feel like the high school nerd, moments away from being shoved into a garbage can, and speeeding down the hallway, because he doesnt fit in with everyone else around him.  a couple of time's ive considered acting straight, just to get a drift of what its like to have a father, but i stop myself everytime and think.. really.. do i wanna dothis?

 

In most better yet let me rephrase that in almost all aspects of my life, i dont feel like i belong, i have feelings thinking im out of place, and just would rather be alone. I always seen myself, a strong person i never thought in a million year's id need you their so bad, when i criec. that pretty face, with those striking blue eyes, is the face ive grown to miss so much because now your gone.

 

The world tells me its easy, to listen to my heart, my heart tells me too get over you, but its the hardest thing to date, ive ever had to do. sometimes i find myself dreaming about you, kissing, and touching, waking up to only find it was a figment of my once happy imagination. In my mind, i dont think i can ever move past you, because oyu were and are such a big part of my heart, almost like you completed me.

 

Id rather behi by a big yelllow school bus, than have to retain the thoughts thatve changed the person i am. my best friend derek tells me everyday to shut my mouth, and stop opening up to people, or my friends, because all im trying to do is making people feel sorry for me. and your a drama queen, who cares if you were assaulted at your middle school prom, STOP being a drama queen. and your a MEGA drama queen, for rambling on about something that happened almost a year ago.

Derek, you and alot of my other friends need to learn. when you mety me, i played my life so bad, i made it sound like a fairytale in lalaland. when in reality, i have so many problem's,  my body hurts so bad at night time, im forced to muffle my face with a pillow, hiding the screams. you doubt me, never listen to me, and are never their for me, so why do i keep falling as your BFF?

 

For the first time in a year, i began cold turkey again, i picked up my stuffed teddy bear, and went to sleep clutching it, like it was about to die, i felt i couldnt sleep unless i nearly suffocated it.  i just wish i knew what was wrong with me, i hate the feeling of going through each day, flike im gripping the edges of a cliff, dangling just before an extremely the pool of lava.  the past couple of days ive had dreams of suicide, death,  and myself dying, i feel so apart, leftout of the game of life, everything in my life seems so unreal, yet none around me seems to care.

 

 i sit every night after im sur everyone is asleep, and silenlty cry my eyes away, clutching my over sized teddy bear, realizing now, that i feel more bad about myself, than i ever have in my life. i wish someone would understand that im different, my interests are different, everything about me is DIFFERENT. Im beyond the point that my mom needs to understand, my interests, and wants do not match the same as a heterosexual i.e my brother. were not attached at the hip.

 

my life has changed so much for the worst since 2007. true colors inside and outside of my family, were finaly showing. its not just a forgive and forget situation, you vcant forgive a group of people. who have forever, and always destroyed your childhood, and your confidence while at it.  for my birthday this year, all i got from my dad, was " i dont want this *** you call yourself, i want the kid you were, before you came out of the closet.. what a birthday present, for days i sat and cried, wondering, am i that bad of a person, that that's all i deserve for my birthday? HE DIDNT EVEN SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY :(

 

Sometime's the pain of missing him is so bad, i can hardly move. somedays i just keep to myself, because everything i say reminds me of him, and the endless day's that at one point i spent lying next to him. When i take walks, i cant help but look in the sky, and see clouds that look just like your beautiful face.

 

I fear if the music stops playing, you up in the air, will forget me forever. i feel my heart, my soul, crumbling into a million different broken piece's, because without you, i feel like nothing, i am nothing.I want to be that male princess again, it sickens me its less thant 65 days to the anniversary of your death, and i havent done ANYTHING to live up to his name. He had so much and many high expecations for me, and now look what i am, a worthless person, who does nothing, who doesnt hang out with his friend's, because he belive's hes going to die someday, because is family tells that everyday

DaricRawr DaricRawr 13-15, T May 12, 2010

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