I Miss You Aarman

It was the first day in college, in totally different culture. Among all I didn't like the attitude of this guy; being too scholarly.
But in two days I started falling for him when one of our seniors during ragging asked him to sing and he sang “mysterious girl I wanna come close to you”. He couldn’t sing all the lyrics may be not even 4-5 sentences but still there was magic…..
We started getting close, or maybe I was trying to get close to him by exchanging notes, talks, some study concepts. He was not comfortable, that he told me later years but am sure that he never either restricted.
He called me to the college roof. For the first time I was alone with him, strange but we just talked and I felt very comfortable with him. I could have sit hours but he had to go back home as he was staying with his mother in the same city and I was in hostel.
I used to always look for the time when we could again sit and talk. It was wonderful, I mean it wonderful feeling being with him, feeling his closeness with few centimeters apart.
Few days later we had a fight, don’t remember what was the reason but we were not talking for some days. We never committed to each other verbally but were still kind of committed. All I remember is coming back hostel and crying for hours and eating once in 3 days when I could no longer control hunger.
He approached me and we started to talk again. He was always very introvert and to some extent I had adopted him and had cut off from all my friends and was talking to only few of our group.
I was ready to do anything for him. I would just sit in hostel and wait for his call when his mother would go for evening walk. Sometimes I used to be lucky and sometimes it was not my day. But just to wait for call I remember how much I used to enjoy!!
I would save money and spend on calling him. I don’t remember I have ever told him this. Once he gave me 2 thousand rupees and told me to take it and do whatever I want. Don’t remember what I did with it but still remember the experience and how happyI was with that gesture of his.
After all my exams I would meet him and tell him how it used be. He was topper or one of those and I was an average or little above average. I have loved all those moments we spent after exam. I remember once day I was not happy with my answers and not even sure if I would pass it but was happy that it is over in next 5 minutes and I am going to meet him. Ha ha I enjoy remembering all that.
He never liked me talking other boys and laughing with them. May be he could understand their intensions better than I could do that time that they were trying to hit me as we were not committed in group formally. One of our friends was trying for me, it was final year of my engineering and I was not able to give him reason for avoiding him. I asked my love should I tell him that I am seeing you, don’t know why but his reply was I am going to live in same city and you will return. That hurt me a lot, a lot and I mean it. Still I felt that may be he didn’t understand what he said and for sure would have wanted to say something else.
Here were we in relationship for 4 years. He went for further studies to B school and I started to work. He came to my city and for the first time. I often used to go to his home and have found many times chance to make love with each other. We never ended having s**but still those were very close and intense moments.
Luckily we got jobs in same city and almost we were seeing each other everyday. We spent nights together and I really cherish those moments. I would do anything to have those back in my life. I miss it.
I had to leave country and work from onsite for few months and that was when we started to miss each other and felt our relation was not strong enough after 7-8 years when still he felt I am not giving him time. I take it on me. I knew his nature and should not have first of all accepted the offer and even when I did, after that I should have taken care that he should have felt to miss me. I know he never liked me being close to anyone and I was with one of our team members. Close I mean I would talk to him more than anyone else. I know I had lied to him when I was talking to him not because I was enjoying with him or cheating on him but I know he would be hurt for no reason.
He came to know later and it was worse. It was my mistake and I don’t know I was too adamant to feel that he should accept that I did all that because I wanted him to be mine and that he shoudl not be hurt just because i am talking to someone and the same time had a friend but I promise he was not more than a friend. But I should accept that I am not good at recognizing people and that’s why he was more worried and I started to lie with him that I am not talking to him. He was no important in my life and because of all that mess he had become don’t know part of my stupid ignorance when I was in some other phase of my life.
I went onsite again and this time I had made my mind that I will not stay and have any close contact with him other than work. My destiny, one of the girls really ill treated me. I had to stay with her. I was almost on road with noone close by and could not tell him as he would have thought why i went first of all and my company should have taken better care and all that which i know was all valid.. but because of all that I ended up staying with him and his family.
This messed up my life totally. My parents didn’t agree to marry me with him and all those non-sense in my life, again I take it on me.. But you know actually when I see back; the mistake all I see we did was that we after being so committed and I know I was always and will always be to him in beautiful relationship we never admitted in public. That is the reason we ended up like this.
I love him too much. He taught me how to live life. He taught me meaning of everything in life. I am not able to walk a step alone without him but we are living separate now.
I am married now but live with him every moment. Live the way he wanted me to live.
Please admit as soon you are in relationship to your friends and group you trust and as soon you can with family. It is strength and important socially in relationship. Trust me!!

aakansha aakansha
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 10, 2010

Thank you for the advice. great story.