Twenty Years Later

I have missed him terribly and thought about him almost every day.
We met when I was 15, he was almost 17 and the connection was very strong. But I was just exploding into the world of sex and boys and was completely confused by everything. I have to admit, I behaved very badly and ended up losing my virginity to someone else entirely - something I will regret for the rest of my life. The one thing I would change if I could go back in time.
When I was 17, he was almost 19 and we re-conciled. This time we did have sex and spent even more time together. I thought the sun rose and shone over him even though I knew he was not an angel by any stretch of the imaginatioin. But I accepted him and I don't think he'd had much acceptance in his life until then.
Eventually, my parents offered to pay for my university tuition - only, if I got rid of him. By now he was using drugs and drinking and going to places I didn't really want to follow so I agreed. Plus, I wanted my father's approval like any young teenaged girl does. So I let my love go.
The last time I spoke to him was when he rang me to tell me he'd just had a baby girl. I was excited for him, but secretly wished it was me giving him a child and making him so happy. But I was too young for that and our lives were on thoroughly different paths.
I got on with my life, even fell in love again with a completely different man. We married and had 3 kids, bought a house, worked our butts off to upgrade it, got nice cars, but still something didn't sit right with me. I managed to gain my father's admiration only to discover that I no longer cared whether I had it or not. I wanted to live MY life, not HIS or the life HE thought I should live and I began slowly to rebel again in little ways.
I drank wine - and enjoyed it. I allowed myself to have a hobby outside of my homelife. I did some extra training. I started wearing the clothes I liked. I got a tattoo (THAT didn't go down well at all!) Then I shifted away from the over-bearing influence of my parents and decided to live my own life albeit a little belatedly!
But it was always there in the back of my mind - my first love whom I'd let go - and I was never sure that it was my own decision entirely or based on my parents dislike of him and their firm hold over my life.
Then, surfing around on Facebook one day I found him! Or more to the point, I found his daughter. I had always remembered the name he'd called her and now and then when I secretly looked for my first love, I typed in his daughters name instead to see if that got a hit. This time it did!
And on her page was a message from her dad - "happy birthday love dad" - left earlier that day. 20 years - to the day - since I last spoke to him, there he was! I msgd him right away and he got back to me immediately. We have been messaging ever since.
And it's great! I now am putting everything into perspective where he is concerned. Embracing parts of myself that he'd loved, that I'd let go over the years but also, letting him go. This time, it's me making the decisions, not my parents.
I am married with 3 kids, I have a family whom I can't disappoint or betray. But I will always love my first love and that's ok.
BBWKiwimouse BBWKiwimouse
36-40, F
5 Responses Jul 11, 2010

I'm still connected to my first love, 40 years later. We're good friends, no pining, no problem. Hold your friends tight- life's too short.

please don't connect. I allowed my wife to connect .They messaged each other but one day the meassage was little passionate.Itold my wife not to disturb his family life.But all this has now adversely affected me.I somehow am not able to trust her as even after my advice she was in contact with him.I am hurt.Don't do this ladies.Please don't.Ithought I was too mature but see here I am confessing my dislike .

And very good advice it is too! I totally agree with you! I have already put the walls up so that he can't get back in again. It would be too easy to think that things could be different if given a chance to revisit them, but I know that's not possible. It's nice to have all my old questions answered and a little closure where he is concerned, but we can't go back in this life, no matter how much we may wish to. <br />
I hope those of you who have not had the chance to reconnect with that all important first love will read this and take on board the advice of two people who have, to tread very carefully if that chance ever arises!

I just want to say - be careful - I also connected with my first love, after 30+ years, but we didn't stop at messaging. Next came phone calls, and then a visit. Now my heart is breaking for something I can't have. Please take my advise and stop this now, while you still can.

Yea, it's all about having that closure, isn't it? The chance to say things that were never said and to put it all to rights in your heart and head. I am indeed very lucky and hope that you too have a similar chance some time. :)