Can't Stop Thinking Of My First Love

After 17 years of last seeing my 1st love I have found him again.  
We met when I was 14 and he was 19 and we went through so much together.  He was my first man I lived with and was intimate with and everything.  Lots of things got in the way, never having any money, him not keeping down a job, me missing my freedom, lots of things.  He moved 300 miles away to find a job and we saw each other every weekend and it was then, at 20, that I decided enough was enough and I moved abroad.
After 6 months of being awat from him I knew that I had made a mistake and came back to London, he met me at the airport and we shared the day and night together, in the morning he told me that he had a casual girlfriend and she was pregnant, he couldnt leave her.  I was devestated but it was my own fault.
I have since found a lovely man and we have a son, but I havent forgot about my 1st love, ever.  By chance I found his sister on facebook and she put me in touch with him.  We have since texted and phoned and are supposed to be meeting up in November.  I cant stop thinking about him, dreaming about him, crying for him.  I feel like I am going mad.  I know nothing can happen between us, so why am I putting myself through this torture.  Why cant I ever love someone as much as him.  I feel utterly miserable and sick that he will never be mine again.
I havent heard from him in a couple of days, maybe he has changed his mind about staying in touch, after all he has a 16 yr old daughter and is still with her mother, although we both never married.  I will leave it up to him.  I still love him so much it aches.
char63 char63
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

Well, we finally met up last week and it was amazing. I pulled up next to him on the church grounds and wound down the window, he looked in an stared at me and told me he thought I was even more beautiful than before, we couldnt stop lookeing at each other, it was so intense. We just chatted on a bench next to the canal, talked about our memories and we laughed so much! He didnt reveal much, just that he felt a bit resentful towards his partner for trapping him so early on with a child that wasnt planned, and so on. When it was time to leave we just had a quick peck on the lips. I drove home bearly able to see through the tears, seeing him has made me love him all the more. AS soon as I got home he txt me saying he still has lots of feelings for me and I told him the same. we have texted every few days since and hope to meet again soon. Nothing will ever happen between us unless we are single because its all or nothing with me. But I feel we are meant to be together and love will find a way.