Misguided Love

My first love called this summer after 30 plus years.  He said, "Do you know who this it?"  I thought of him immediately, but couldn't believe it was really him.  He asked if I was happy, I tried to keep calm, like visiting with and old friend, but my heart was leaping and I felt so much more. He said he was married, had 3 children, and had been married thirty two years.  He gave me his number, but I was stupid and didn’t give him my cell number.  My emotions were out of control, what we had together came flooding back to me and I was transported back to the love of my youth.  I thought I had buried my love for him.  I cried myself to sleep that night not wanting to give up my love one more time.  It took all the nerve I had to text him and leave a message, knowing that he would then have my number, and hoping he would call me back.  His first message was “I think about you all the time".  I messaged him back and said I think of you too, and to call me. Our conversations remained casual as we reminisced about old times together, and talked about our children, sometime mentioning our spouses. My life really felt out of control now, sneaking around and talking when my husband wouldn’t find out, keeping my cell phone numbers erased, and crying much of the time about the loss of my first love.  He filled my mind both day and night, and I felt like I was going crazy.  I called him, what I told myself would be the last.  I said I couldn’t keep talking to him, because my husband would find out.  He told me that he had really loved me, and that he always had a special place in his heart for me. He said it had been very hard to get over me, and he asked, “Was it hard for you?” I said I made the decision with my head and not my heart, because of the pressure of my parents not wanting me to be with him. My thoughts were taken back to the words of my dad saying he’s not good for you and he will never make you happy.  Life is ironic, because, the one my dad thought would make me happy, had abused me emotionally and physically, for our entire marraige, until he blacked my eye about eight years ago. I  think seeing his abuse, me not being totally financially dependent any more,  and  finally standing up for myself,  finally forced him to stop the abuse. Now, he is treats me with respect and is a good spouse. My regret is that  the change cannot remove the scars of the past for myself or our kids. If only I hadn’t let others persuade me, maybe I would still be with my first love and my life could have been different. Trying to hold back tears, I said, “I loved you too,” and we said good by.  I cried and cried. Could I go through with letting my love go again? I was in a fight with my head and heart, and my heart was winning.  I just needed to talk to him no matter what! I called again, and he was happy that we could still be friends. We’ve talked about meeting, but it’s not possible, because he works out of state, and is away from his family most of the time. Conversations have sexual overtones at times, but I cannot bring myself to end the emotional affair with my only true love... All I think about is him, mentally trying to control my feelings, not wanting to get in over my head, but knowing that it’s too late.  I know that for now I can’t say good by, without one last chance at least seeing each other. We both have family commitments, but I can’t stop thinking about seeing him one more time. Until then, my heart and soul is forever his. 
dare2love dare2love
56-60, F
10 Responses Aug 7, 2010

As one of poems says maybe when your lives have ben rearranged you can be together. hugs love2day

Oh my goodness!!! I have loved my ex for 20 yrs. He broke up with me but he and I would see each other often. It wasn't enough for me and when i wanted to get back, he didn't want a relationship then. I moved on, met my husband and got married. Myhusband has hurt me mentally through our nearly 14 year marriage. It has caused my feelings to change. But I also realized I have never been IN love with him. But I love him- we are the best of friends and he has grown up alot. My excintacted me last year. I knew I always loved him, but was not aware that my feelings were that deep. I know he feels for me too. He is married but I heard from a reliable source he is not happy. He even told his mom that he had talked to me.<br />
My ex has children and since his parents did not marry until he was an Dut, I know he wants different for his kids. My parents were together until my dad passed, so I want that for my kids. My ex is the one that keeps us grounded. He will not start an affair with me. I am glad because if it had to end it would hurt me even worse.<br />
We found that we work near each other and pass each other at least ten times a month.<br />
Sometimes we will stop and talk. We hug as if we don't want to part.<br />
<br />
This is hard. I think of him all the time and wonder if he thinks of me. I sort of think of it as thus is not our time and if the universe wants us to be together, circumstances will allow it. I know we would have been a good couple. No one is perfect, but I would be more taken care of with him than I am now. <br />
I will always love him. There is no such thing as him having a special place in my heart- he is my heart.

Thanks for sharing your experience, It's crazy thinking about having such feelings for someone after so many years. I really don't see a way that we can ever make it work, but I know in my heart that I feel driven to reconnect with him. This time my heart is control!

thanks for your posts they are like my counseling while I am presently crazy in love w/ the other man and in a very similar situation

That is another part of the problem that have to deal with if I go through with this. I've been married going on 24 years and I definitely do not want to hurt my wife. She knows my past and even some of the girls that I dated and would have no problem if I talked to them on a social site. She has never met this certain woman who I wish to contact, but definitely would have a problem if I did ( I mentioned this to my wife and that is why I know ). I think my wife feels threatened and although I've tried to convince her that I'm not about to rip up our life and leave her on a whim she still has issues with this. She kows that I was hurt all those years ago before I met her. So really when I put this into perspective it's really just curiosity more than anything else . So the question remains can I keep this at discrete distance and not get overwhelmed and again there is the other women to think about. I might cause an emotional crisis in her or there might not be anything. I trying to come to grips of whether or not this is worth it, so I'm being patient and to think of all the boundaries involved.

I asked my old love today, if he had it to do all over again, would he call. There was no hesitation that he definately would. I feel, that circumstances of time changed what was to be, and we can't change that, but I think we both enjoy a bit of what once was. I still hate deceiving my husband, but for now I guess I'm selfish, and will continue my emotional affair with my first love.

It's been bitter sweet I guess, I've let go of some the hurt from the past, and when we talk it's just like we were never apart. We laugh alot, and enjoy talking about our families, even spouses. We are still planning on meeting sometime. One reason I would not do again is, because we will never be able to share anything but the past, because our future, is already with the family we have, and neither of us want to give that up. The reason it was worth it to me was that it confirmed that he had loved me as much as I had loved him, both thinking of one another over the years. I'm convinced that will never change. One funny thiing, His daughter and I share the same birthday and she also has my name. It 's also his wife's grandmothers name, but I think it's me he thinks of. He was the first to wish me happy birthday today! Good luck, on your decision, but be prepared for some deep emotions.

I also have a first love that is just 30 years past ( I can't seem to get her out my head lately). Although I have not contacted her since then I feel I need to think with my head and not my heart. I feel that I won't be able to control my feelings if I let go, which is, what I'm afraid of if I contact her. <br />
Your story is very inspiring considering your somewhat similar circumstnces to my own ( except for the abuse). I really have no clue on how to approach this or even if I should and just remain unseen and unremembered.

You are right, I did allow myself to be abused because you just get used to someone elses control over you, and don't feel you have any other choice. It was not until I had a job, and became more independent, that I faught back. A little too late for my children, and too late before physical abuse, but the abuse has stopped, and I really feel like it was a miracle that he changed and I was able to forgive him. I did seek counseling after the black eye, and I no longer kept the abuse from my family. I know I didn't deserve anything that happened to me, but now I now you have to demand respect and take nothing else. I know it's not possible to go back and do things over again, but I really think I should have followed my heart with my first love, and I think he feels the same although we are both commited to our families. I will say If my husband ever starts the abuse again it will be over regardless, I don't have to take it anymore.

I am saddened at your situation and that in this day and age you still allow yourself to be physically abused when there is help out there. If possible try doing something that can uplift you so as to be able to stop any more abuse. Remember you deserve to be respected and only you can stop the abuse with the advise of counsellors. It is sad to say but many times we women allow oursselves to be abused due to low self esteem and wanting to take the blame and responsibilities of our abusive spouse. May you find the light and happiness for you.