My first love
called this summer after 30 plus years. He said, "Do you know who this it?" I thought of him immediately, but couldn't believe it was really him. He asked if I was happy, I tried to keep calm, like visiting with and old friend, but my heart was leaping and I felt so much more. He said he was married, had 3 children, and had been married thirty two years. He gave me his number, but I was stupid and didn’t give him my cell number. My emotions were out of control, what we had together came flooding back to me and I was transported back to the love of my youth. I thought I had buried my love for him. I cried myself to sleep that night not wanting to give up my love one more time. It took all the nerve I had to text him and leave a message, knowing that he would then have my number, and hoping he would call me back. His first message was “I think about you all the time". I messaged him back and said I think of you too, and to call me. Our conversations remained casual as we reminisced about old times together, and talked about our children, sometime mentioning our spouses. My life really felt out of control now, sneaking around and talking when my husband wouldn’t find out, keeping my cell phone numbers erased, and crying much of the time about the loss of my first love. He filled my mind both day and night, and I felt like I was going crazy. I called him, what I told myself would be the last. I said I couldn’t keep talking to him, because my husband would find out. He told me that he had really loved me, and that he always had a special place in his heart for me. He said it had been very hard to get over me, and he asked, “Was it hard for you?” I said I made the decision with my head and not my heart, because of the pressure of my parents not wanting me to be with him. My thoughts were taken back to the words of my dad saying he’s not good for you and he will never make you happy. Life is ironic, because, the one my dad thought would make me happy, had abused me emotionally and physically, for our entire marraige, until he blacked my eye about eight years ago. I think seeing his abuse, me not being totally financially dependent any more, and finally standing up for myself, finally forced him to stop the abuse. Now, he is treats me with respect and is a good spouse. My regret is that the change cannot remove the scars of the past for myself or our kids. If only I hadn’t let others persuade me, maybe I would still be with my first love and my life could have been different. Trying to hold back tears, I said, “I loved you too,” and we said good by. I cried and cried. Could I go through with letting my love go again? I was in a fight with my head and heart, and my heart was winning. I just needed to talk to him no matter what! I called again, and he was happy that we could still be friends. We’ve talked about meeting, but it’s not possible, because he works out of state, and is away from his family most of the time. Conversations have sexual overtones at times, but I cannot bring myself to end the emotional affair with my only true love... All I think about is him, mentally trying to control my feelings, not wanting to get in over my head, but knowing that it’s too late. I know that for now I can’t say good by, without one last chance at least seeing each other. We both have family commitments, but I can’t stop thinking about seeing him one more time. Until then, my heart and soul is forever his.